Seems like it’s been forever since I’ve settled into this chair. It feels like my first treatment all over again. I’m anxious and nervous but ready to get it over with, because after today, I’ll be half way done with AC-the Beast! I asked for some extra hydration today to maybe help with the side effects. I’ll be back tomorrow evening for another hydration visit.
I know I have bigger things to worry about than my looks but sometimes it’s an additional bummer. Losing the hair on my head has been tolerable. Most of the time I forget that I have no hair until I feel a breeze or a child looks at me funny. Even the patchy eyelashes, I have gotten used to. Losing my eyebrows, though, is proving to be more difficult for me. Starting AC really freaked them out. They had been super thin for a while but in the last few days, they have decided to just peace out. There were 41 hairs remaining yesterday morning. Yes, I counted. Today I have 34. No shape left to follow. I have to rely on my memory as to what they should sorta look like. I am literally painting them on now, hoping that I don’t end up on one of those funny emails with the cholas who draw them on with sharpies. You’ve seen those, right? Jokes aside, I’m pretty self conscious about it. I mean, it’s clear that they are painted/drawn on. But I don’t think there’s anyway around it. Apparently yesterday I was going for the slightly surprised look.
Sometimes this is all so surreal. Even with my family history, I never actually thought it would happen to me. I never imagined that I’d lose all my hair, have a port placed in my body, or often fear my future. At the beginning, I had little fear. I’ve been riding on everyone’s positivity for so long. But lately, I feel the fear slipping in here and there and it needs to stop.
Nighttime is the shittiest and I feel really vulnerable. My mind races from one terrible thought to the next. I often wonder if there will ever be a time when the Big C doesn’t rule my world and thoughts. Then I wonder what my new normal will be? Because I know damn well I won’t be going back to who I was, physically or mentally.
I recently got several beautiful mantras, great tips, and meditation suggestions from some of my Kick Ass mamas. I did a mix of them last night and things went pretty well.
My favorite trick that was shared with me- “Right when that negative thought comes into your mind. Press pause, visualize godizilla’s gigantic foot coming down and smashing that thought. The thought is dead and gone. Works every time!”😂
How funny is that? But, damn, it works! I also started a Gratitude Journal last night at the recommendation of my acupuncturist. It is supposed to be the very last thing I do before my head hits the pillow so that my mind is focused on the good while I recharge for the next day. It felt silly. But I guess it’s not as silly as me writing about my life for all to read here… 😜
Fun fact- About 30 seconds after putting on my “Mom Life Is The Good Life” shirt, Wyatt did a huge burp and spit up all over my left shoulder but I was running late so I couldn’t change. Quick swipe of a rag… 😬
Oh and for everyone attending the Women’s March this weekend, this ones for you…❤️