Mom guilt. Its real and it’s turned a corner from the days of giving in and feeding Harlon, yet, another PB&J because it’s all he wanted. Or from bribing him with a piece of chocolate so we could leave the park without a complete meltdown. Or from sending him to the babysitters because I had a cold and needed a day to rest. Or, the doozy, from sending him to a babysitter everyday so I could go to work and feel like a functioning part of society.
The guilt that fills me now is different. Not being able to complete daily tasks for my kids takes a toll. I literally rely on others, for days at a time, to feed, bathe, and care for the children I chose to bring into the world. I’m too exhausted to even put them to bed- even if that only means sitting in the room until they fall asleep. My need to be horizontal is too great.
Yes, in a couple of days I’ll be back to my normal. But nothing can give me those days back. My kids feel the energy. They know something’s up. My hope is that they won’t remember all of this. Just that they’ll look back and laugh that mama was bald for a little bit. My real hope is that all of this doesn’t fuck them up too much in the future. And yes, I understand that these days are necessary in order for me to heal and be around in the future to see just how fucked up things get. (Hopefully not too bad 😳)But that doesn’t make it any easier for me right now.
This isn’t a “feel sorry for me” post or me asking you to say anything to make me feel better. Time will make me feel better and hopefully we will all forget these shitty moments. I mean, I’ll forget. Chemo brain is also real. 😜
And as someone once told me “someday this will just be a story you tell.” ❤️