Mom Guilt 

Mom guilt. Its real and it’s turned a corner from the days of giving in and feeding Harlon, yet, another PB&J because it’s all he wanted. Or from bribing him with a piece of chocolate so we could leave the park without a complete meltdown. Or from sending him to the babysitters because I had a cold and needed a day to rest. Or, the doozy, from sending him to a babysitter everyday so I could go to work and feel like a functioning part of society. 

The guilt that fills me now is different. Not being able to complete daily tasks for my kids takes a toll. I literally rely on others, for days at a time, to feed, bathe, and care for the children I chose to bring into the world. I’m too exhausted to even put them to bed- even if that only means sitting in the room until they fall asleep. My need to be horizontal is too great. 

Yes, in a couple of days I’ll be back to my normal. But nothing can give me those days back. My kids feel the energy. They know something’s up. My hope is that they won’t remember all of this. Just that they’ll look back and laugh that mama was bald for a little bit. My real hope is that all of this doesn’t fuck them up too much in the future. And yes, I understand that these days are necessary in order for me to heal and be around in the future to see just how fucked up things get. (Hopefully not too bad 😳)But that doesn’t make it any easier for me right now. 

This isn’t a “feel sorry for me” post or me asking you to say anything to make me feel better. Time will make me feel better and hopefully we will all forget these shitty moments. I mean, I’ll forget. Chemo brain is also real. 😜

And as someone once told me “someday this will just be a story you tell.” ❤️

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AC Aftermath 

Here we are, back at Kaiser for an oncology follow up and hydration for the AC aftermath. This is my big doin’s since I’ve been pretty much sleeping since chemo yesterday. The oncology appointment went well. I get to stop my blood thinner injections on March 10th. Yay!! Overall, I’m feeling ok. Suuuuuper tired and a little nauseous but ok. 

Tonight’s Hydration Homie- Mr. Filloon himself 💖

Since my diagnosis, I have seen the looks I get from people. Mostly pity looks but also shocked looks. And when I have the boys with me, the looks get more concerning. Yeah, I may be young. Yeah, I have two young kids. But I’m not the only one who finds themselves in this situation. I wish I had time to sit with each one of these people to explain that. And to answer any questions they may have, at least answer them to the best of my ability- from my experience. 

So, a reminder. I am an open book. I have never tried to sugarcoat any of this. I also don’t try to dramatize any of it. Ask me anything. Anything you may be curious about. Usually the first question I get is “did you find the lump on your own?” Yes, yes I did. Thankfully I did self breast exams often, as anyone should. So go for it, don’t be shy. 🤗

In case you ever wondered what the port looks like, here’s a fuzzy pic. They insert a needle in the middle of those 3 points.

And…

AC # 3

I should have completed this post before the drugs kicked in but I didn’t. So I hope you can follow. If you are wondering what the drugs make me feel like… have you ever finished a bottle of wine to yourself? No? Oh, yeah, me neither 😜…. but I hear you feel a little giddy and dizzy. And sleeeeeeepy. That’s sorta how I feel.  

Chemo wasted

Today was my third AC. Like usual, we started with that damn Red Devil. I get queasy just thinking about it. It gives me a weird taste in the back of my throat so I tried mints as well as ice chips today while the nurse pushed it. Ehhh it helped. Then we moved on to the Cytoxan. That shit is a bitch! That’s where I begin to get a little loopy. But it’s also where my sinuses go fucking nuts. My nose starts to run and then suddenly it feels like I jumped into a pool without plugging my nose and the chlorine gave my face a little enema. That feeling lasts the whole hour and a half but starts to disappear once I’m back on just saline. I have been a little nasueated since I’ve been home but managing staying on top of my meds and fluids and the pot when I need it. 

Nap time. Because I literally can’t do anything else after this chemo.

I learned something a little fun today. When talking to a nurse about a wedding I’m in post surgery, we got on the subject of prosthetics. Apparently, Kaiser works with Nordstrom to supply prosthetics and bras and it’s covered under my Durable Medical Equipment coverage. I’m pretty pumped to have the option of a chest if I want it. The authorization is in the works but I will wait to get fitted until after surgery. 
Those are boob salt and pepper shakers back their. It’s ok, you can be jealous.

Another thing that pumped me up today. This big ass bottle of Kombucha that Krissy brought home today. I had no idea they made large bottles, it’s life changing💜 I also came home to one rad dude with a rad new haircut. Thank goodness Aunt Krissy took him because he was looking like a rag-a-muffin. (That’s what my mom used to call me when I didn’t want to comb my hair as a kid  😄)

I wanted to be rad too. Then he told me to take it off.