The time has come to say goodbye and go our separate ways. We have been through so much together, so it’s going to be tough going on without you. But I will be ok.
You made yourselves known pretty early in life and I wasn’t ready. I hid you in tight sports bras and baggy t-shirts. What else could a 6th grader do?
By the 7th grade, we were on better terms. I had learned to live with you guys. That’s what it was, we were just coexisting with each other. I never felt comfortable letting you shine in all your glory. As I got older, even my mom would say “flaunt them while you got them!” Who knew that one day I wouldn’t ‘have them’?! Not me. But I was always so self conscious and I kept you under wraps for a lot of the time.
Then you really outdid yourselves at our wedding. Schwing! Thanks for that! I mean, it took a handful of ladies to control you that day and smuggle you into the weirdest contraption of a bra so that you could really strut your stuff. And you both looked fantastic.
You went on to feed my first born for 13 months and for that, I am beyond grateful. I had planned to use your skills for my second baby but that wouldn’t be the case. But I know you tried.
We’ve been through thick and thin. You know, thick like my freshman 15 and sophomore 20. And thin like our half marathon days. Get it? Thick. Thin. I hope I’m still funny without you.
You are a part of me and it will be an adjustment going on without you. But you’ve had a great run. And me, well, I have to keep on keepin’ on. You’ll always have a place in my heart. I’ll never forget you, probably mostly because I’ll have some pretty crazy scars to remind me of where you once stood.
Thank you. I love you. Now it’s time for you to go.
I couldn’t help but laugh when I had to sign away my left and right breast at my pre-op appointment. Literally, I signed a form that allows the surgeon to remove both the left and right breast. It’s not funny. I don’t know why I laughed, John and the nurse didn’t seem as amused. I’m guessing most people are pretty upset when signing that form. I wasn’t happy about it either but I have no other choice and it’s time to do the damn thing.
As of right now, I am scheduled as an outpatient, meaning I will go home the same day of surgery. Of course, this can all change depending on how things go. I wouldn’t be mad if they made me stay overnight. I mean, no matter where I am, I’ll be drugged up on pain meds and uncomfortable so why not be in a place where they can monitor me….and nurses can do the dirty work of emptying my drains.
Yes, drains. I will have at least a couple of drains coming out of me. This is where nurse John will play a major roll and will be helping me empty them. The drains will stay in as long as I am still producing “stuff”.
Oh and if anyone was interested, my white blood cell count……..went down even more after my second blood draw. So I am back on those shots to stimulate the growth of white blood cells. Only 3 days worth so not too bad. Medicine is pretty crazy huh?
Today was the first day I actually got a nervous stomach (and that weird urge to pee) when I thought about surgery. Luckily today I also had the pleasure of meeting with a bunch of fellow survivor sisters. I’ve said it before, people come into your life right when you need them. Today was no exception. These women, in all stages of survivorhood, made me feel powerful. And so supported. I am beyond thankful to have met them all.
Tomorrow, John and I will be leaving the boys with his parents for a week. It makes me sad and I will totally miss them but they don’t need to see me like that. I won’t be able to hold them so it would just be a tease… for us all. That week separation might just be the hardest part of the whole surgery thing. Pain- I can tolerate. Not having my babies will be rough. Not having my boobies, well shit, that’s going to be rough too.
People are ultimately good. There will always a shithead here and there but overall, good. I was reminded of the good today while I was at the mall for a quick errand.
I have been trying to get myself organized for surgery, which is a week from today. Part of that organization has been getting my jammy game up to par. AKA- I needed button down tops since lifting my arms will be a pain for a few weeks. Target didn’t have much so I headed to Nordstrom with a gift card I had. I found the softest button down jammy shirt and headed to the checkout.
Harlon had been yelling and crying that he wanted to look at the choo choo- there was no choo choo…- so I gave him my phone hoping he would calm the heck down. While waiting in line, a lady walked up and smiled at Harlon and took a peak to see what he was watching. I immediately felt shame for giving my 2 year old a phone so I smiled and quickly looked down. The lady who rang me up was the same one who did my mastectomy cami fitting so we got to talking. Just then, the other lady behind the counter mumbled something to my girl. Turns out, the woman who had smiled at Harlon wanted to pay for my top, she had overheard our conversation and my situation. I couldn’t find the words immediately. I think I just blurted “really!?” Then the tears filled my eyes. And my head started to sweat. A lot. That happens when I get flustered, I sweat. Gross, I know. But I gave her a huge and sweaty hug anyway.
Even tonight, I still don’t have the words. I can only say this- I am so grateful for each and every person that walks into my life. ❤️
It’s been a while since my last post, I’ve been busy slamming in the fun before I’m out for 6 weeks. Lots of Disneyland and Knotts Berry Farm. Visiting friends. John and I just got back from a nice mini vacation at the Newport Coast. It’s been great.
But since it has been so long, I do have a few updates. When I saw my oncologist the week after my last chemo, she wasn’t surprised that I still felt like crap. All of the accumulation was taking its toll.
Also at that appointment, she had to talk me down. Way down. Like tears were happening. I felt certain that my lump was growing for a few days before my appointment with her. I was stressing on it. She assured me that all she felt was normal breast tissue. Phew. But I was still not ok.
Here’s the thing, and forgive me if I have already mentioned this, but she doesn’t typically believe in scans after treatment unless a patient is symptomatic, which I am not. But I just could not get down with this. My brain needs to know what’s up. Especially since I had felt like I was going backwards for those few days. She finally agreed to give me a scan after everything to make sure nothing has spread. Knowing this puts me at ease.
I had to go back for another hydration a few days after my oncologist appointment because I wasnt improving. Hydration is supposed to make you feel better pretty quickly so when I was still feeling shitty at the end, they scheduled me for a couple more days the next week too. Thankfully, I was able to start drinking more fluids as the days progressed and I cancelled the appointments. Each day, I’m feeling a little better.
Today, I went in for a blood draw and my white blood cell count is too low again so my oncologist wants me to go back in Thursday for another draw. I’m assuming everything needs to be up and well for surgery on Tuesday.
Tomorrow is my pre-op appointment so I’ll be sure to relay any information from that. Until then…
Parenting tip: If a milk cup goes in the car, make sure the milk cups exits the car… 🤢