Holy crap! After what feels like FOREVER, I finally got my brain MRI results back and they are CLEAR!!!! I type this as I celebrate with a ham and Swiss croissant and a Golden Milk Latte. I eat when I’m sad, scared, happy, stressed…. I also smile at these times so just imagine me smiling and doing a happy dance while I eat 😁

It’s pretty crazy how waiting for results related to health can be debilitating. It’s something I need to figure out how to deal with in order to stay sane. I need to find someway to get past the mental block that prevents me from enjoying my time with my family and my friends. I spent so much time staring at my phone because I didn’t want to miss the call or email that I missed out on a week of my life. 

This being said, even without waiting for results, I want to be carefree again- in all of life. I realize that’s probably a hard thing to attain these days but I miss being naive. I want to just be able to have a headache and think “oh man, I have a headache, where’s the Advil?” I don’t want to have to worry that it could be something worse. I don’t know that I’ll ever get those days back but I have to figure out something.

Let’s talk MRI’s real quick. I had never had one on any part of my body before. I’ve had plenty of other scans but didn’t know what to expect with this one. I also didn’t ask many questions, so that’s my bad. 

When I got to the hospital, a lady greeted me in the lobby and walked me back to where I usually get prepped for scans. But then she kept on walking…. right out the back door of the hospital. We got outside to where two trailers were and we hopped on a lift thing and went on up. It seemed odd but I went with it. Once in the trailer, I wasn’t given much direction other than take off all jewelry and empty my pockets. Then I was guided through the narrow room to the machine. I was told it would be loud and that I’d be wearing earplugs. I got to talking to the other man there because he looked familiar. I asked if he ever did CT scans on a pregnant lady. He looked confused and told me he’d probably remember that. I agreed. 

So I prepared to get on the table with my earplugs in and the lady tech starts talking to me about my diagnosis. It’s muffled because of the plugs but I can hear enough. She’s asking me if I’m “all good now”. That’s a loaded question. And then asks me if I’ll be having a hysterectomy. I tell her yes and she proceeds to say, get this, “Good! Because cancer always comes back in your lady bits. My friend fought to get her other boob removed and a hysterectomy and then she died at 38.” Ummmm whaaaa? 

Next thing you know, I’m being shoved into the tube. I lock eyes with the male tech and desperately wanted to shake my head in a way to convey ‘what the fuck?!’ But I wasn’t allowed to move… 

The next chunk of time (maybe 15 minutes) was filled with the loudest sounds I’ve ever heard even with the earplugs and headphones placed over the plugs. Clinging and clanking. Noises that sounded like I was in the middle of a battle with Pacman and Donkey Kong. Knocking, so clear I felt like someone was actually trying to get my attention. Car alarm sounds, grinding, shaking. It was a lot. 

Luckily, I’m not claustrophobic and felt some comfort in the tube- which felt similar to an airplane bathroom, both looks wise and air conditioning wise. Then I get pulled out, a contrast was injected (I didn’t realize that was going to happen until I got there) and slid back in. Another handful of minutes pass with the same noises and I’m pulled out- with a massive headache.  I literally asked the man if it’s that loud so that your brain gets angry and they can see stuff on the screen. He laughed. 

That was all last Thursday and I’ve been reliving it since. I kept closing my eyes and thinking about his facial expressions when he lowered me back to the real world on the lift. I asked if he could see anything and he told me legally he couldn’t say. So I cracked a joke about doing some illegal stuff and he chuckled. I figured if he saw something terrible, he wouldn’t have laughed at my poor humor. 

Me, looking way too far into his facial expressions, is what barely got me through the last week. But I made it and I’m ready to pick up again.