I’ve been eating my feelings lately. Mainly with Trader Joe’s Pumkin Biscotti. To be real- I’ve written a lot of this post in tears. Some in anger. And some just feeling blah. Maybe it’s the menopause. Maybe it’s all of the bad news my pink sisters have been receiving lately- because they aren’t just stories anymore- they are my real friends.  Maybe it’s because all of this is still so scary at times. Maybe I’m coming down from the high of celebrating my baby turning 1. Whatever it is, it’s been hard and I’ve been weepy. So weepy. 

Yes, I said pumpkin up there. And you are right if you’re thinking we’ve probably already decorated for Halloween. Harlon asked me on Sunday if we could get out the Halloween stuff and who am I to say no? I mean, if Disneyland can decorate now, so can we. And at this point in my life, I do what I want. And you better believe I’ve been lighting that pumpkin scented candle every day since. 

This week didn’t have one easy drop off for either boy at school. Harlon repeatedly told me on the way that he does not want to go to school anymore. He wants to stay home and learn letters with me and brother every day. Both kids cried hysterically when I dropped them off in their classrooms and my heart broke. I fought back the tears, knowing that this is something that lots of parents deal with. I just haven’t figured out how to do that yet. 
Harlon has been saying a lot “Mommy you came back for us.” And every time I say “Of course, baby doll.” And he’s always telling me he “just wants to be wth me.” But what happens if the day comes and I’m not there to pick them up? I don’t come back?  I absolutely hate that these are things that I think about. And I really hate talking about them but I hope this helps me process the feelings and the fears.  In the meantime, I’m trying to counteract it all with positive visualizations throughout my days. 
Today I had an oncology follow up to see how the Xeloda is treating me- I just took my last dose of the first cycle this morning. I’ll have 1 week off and will begin again next Wednesday for two weeks. So far, I have only noticed some increased fatigue, dry finger tips and slight pain in my right foot. But with all that has been going on, I can’t directly pin point these problems to the Xeloda. On top of those things, my moods have been so very off which is most likely the result of my total hysterectomy and surgical menopause. 
We are going to raise my Zoloft dose in hopes to try and balance out my emotions and my higher than usual anxiety levels. I’ll also be starting Restoril in regards to my insomnia. My thyroid levels will be tested again tomorrow to see what’s up and if the Synthroid is helping or if it needs to be increased. 

I had to go to the doc the other day too, not my usual PCP, for a lump I found on my foot. Initially I thought it was a bug bite. When it didn’t go away after 10 days, I freaked. Lump. Any lump. Anywhere= PTSD. Thank goodness it’s just a ganglion cyst. Nasty, I know, but I’ll take a cyst over the other options. Anyways, since it was a new doctor, I met a new nurse. The universe knew that I needed to meet her in that exact moment.

Turns out, she is a 5 year triple negative BC survivor, also BRCA 1.  This is big for me, to meet another TNBC survivor and to see her thriving. We’ve exchanged numbers and I hope to meet up with her soon. My rad lady posse keeps growing 💜

I was able to get back to acupuncture yesterday and it was nice to focus on my healing again. My acupuncturist and I always have these therapeutic conversations and I walk away feeling like, ‘yes, I’ve got this.’ 👊🏻 I also hope to be cleared to get back to yoga very soon. 

As a reminder, I never post these things for pity or sad faces. I post the truth, my feelings- so that you all may be able to understand me and my life. And so that if someone out there is feeling the same or dealing with something similar, I want them to know they are not alone. 

Also- if anyone has an at home booty workout that is legit- help a sister out. No boobs means I want to get a rocking boo-tay! Not looking to be sold on something but a few moves to lift that sucker up would be greatly appreciated. I’m over this pre-pubescent tween boy look I’ve got going on. 

Just for funzies, here’s me in my Britney moment at Wyatt’s birthday party. Thank you Lizard Wizard for providing the snake of my worst nightmares 🙀

 

And this new tank from my cousin Mandi sums a lot of crap up. 🤗