It’s been 10 years, today, since my mom passed. I feel like after all these years, I should have some eloquent things to say. Still waiting for the right words I guess…

I’m typically a very positive person but I have yet to find a positive that comes from losing my mom. I still get a sudden urge to call her when big things comes up- and little things. All things really. It saddens me to think of all the big milestones she has missed.

But you know what really screws with me? Living through the same disease that took her. I want to ask her about treatments, tests, side effects, thoughts and feelings- compare stories- and I can’t do that. I want to be able to cry to her when things get too scary because I know she would get it. Somehow, she always did have the right words.

I haven’t been great with dealing with my emotions over the last decade. Not just with her passing- with a whole lot of stuff. I hold too much in, I build walls and distance myself- it’s unhealthy but it’s my way of processing difficult things. I tend to slap a smile on and use lots of (maybe too much for some people) dark humor and keep on truckin’.

Perhaps I’ll get to have some sort of famous person breakdown here soon from holding it all in? Kidding. Seriously kidding. {cue Britney 2007}

Onto my oncology follow up. I’m back to needing to focus on a healthy diet. I’m skipping too many meals which leads to dizzy spells. Otherwise, my exam went well. My skin is healing nicely and all mouth sores have disappeared.

We are holding off on the aspirin regiment right now because we are seeing if I’ll get accepted for a targeted therapy double blind study- meaning I might get a drug that has been effective in treating metastatic triple negative bc or I might get a placebo pill. If I get accepted to this study, I’ll be part of something potentially really great for the C community because if the drugs prove to work on non-metastatic disease, it can then be approved for use. To qualify, one must be positive for the BRCA gene and HER2 negative. Note: my tumors were considered triple negative which means- Estrogen Receptor Negative, Progesterone Receptor Negative, and HER2 Negative. And I am BRCA 1 positive.

It’s a little scary to be a part of a study like this but also exciting. Although, before I get too involved, I have to see if I even qualify. Again, I’ll be sure to report back.

And thank you Ed Sheehan, for this: