Moonlight 🌕

Tonight was. Straight. Up. Magical.

I attended an outdoor yoga class under the full moon and I have never felt so connected to myself and my practice. It could have been so easy, as soon as those raindrops smacked my windshield on the drive over, to say nope. Turn around and head home, where I could be comfy cozy and warm. But I was so pumped to go to this class so I kept on truckin’.

Each rain drop that hit my mat sounded like a tiny drum. The palms rustling in the breeze were so calming. Birds whistling away, topped it off. Shit, people pay good money for sound machines to mimic these noises!

I never actually saw the moon through the clouds- but I didn’t have to.

It all reminded me of one of my favorite quotes- which again, I always screw up but goes something like this, “you can’t control what happens to you, you can only control how you react”. So I lifted my face to the sky.

What I also found really great, not one person complained. No one rolled up their mat and said “screw this, I’m out.” And when class was over, everyone seemed truly happy. It. Was. Magical.

But don’t get me wrong- because , for some reason, I feel like I always need to clarify- I’m not always this happy, positive person who can sit in the rain for an hour and smile. Oh, no. But I try to see the good in all. I try and choose joy as often as possible.

Sometimes, things are crap. Sometimes, a lot of things are crap all at once. Super crap. And in those times, it’s so damn hard to see anything but the shit storm in front of you, let alone joy. I get that. And I don’t have an answer as to how and make the storm any easier. Any gentler. Any less shitty. I guess you have to power through and trust that you’ll come out the other end… covered in crap.

Annnnd, transition….. So many people have asked me about the Survivor Day at Kaiser this June. Here’s all the info I have:

It will be June 2nd at the Kaiser Hospital in Anaheim on La Palma- by the fountain. The event will start at 10 am and speakers will begin at 11. There will be four of us, each with a 10 minute time slot. I still don’t know what I’m going to talk about….. I’m thinking I’ll just wing it and hope that I don’t drop any F bombs 😬

The view from my mat

The view from my mat 💜

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No Nips- No Prob (Don’t read this if seeing me topless offends you 😂)

Do I have perky breasts? Nope. A flat and fit tummy? Nah. Long and flowing hair? Not even close. But is my heart filled with love? Completely. Is my soul beaming with hope? You’re damn right. Do I know how strong I am? You bet your sweet ass.

The picture below is raw and it’s not wrapped up in a pink bow.

It’s only been a year since my double mastectomy. About 9 months since completing radiation. And about 8 months since my total hysterectomy. My body is still healing and adjusting- same with my mind and soul. But I will not let what has happened to me, define me. Nor will I be ashamed of this picture. The scars are just part of my story and I’m proud of me. (Even though I had to convince myself that it’s ok to share this pic.) Why I questioned myself is a whole different post in itself…. Another day

If a female body with no nipples and a chest that’s a bit con-caved bothers you, well- I’m not sorry. This is what I am working with these days. In my C community, scars are the norm. In my home, we don’t blink an eye. In fact, I often wonder if my boys will be confused one day…… in a very very very long time…. when they see another woman with breasts and nipples. But I mean, like a reeeeaaaallllllly long time from now. 😆

So if you are like so many who have questioned ‘what it looks like’ – here you go.

This picture was taken in Sedona, Arizona- a place that I thought might be all hype even though I hoped not. I heard it was ‘healing’ and all that jazz. For a moment I wondered if it would heal this frickin sinus infection that has been plaguing me for two weeks. It didn’t. But what it did do- holy crap you guys- it began to heal my soul. I left there feeling so connected to myself and totally recharged. Maybe it was spending more time in nature half naked. Maybe it was spending time with people I loved. Maybe it was the vortexes. Maybe it was the crystals. Maybe it was the wine….. Maybe it was a mixture of lots of stuff. I don’t have the answer. But I still feel amazing from it. And to add to the healing, we were able to spend time with John’s family and some of my family along the way. I truly believe that surrounding yourself with love and positivity heals us more than we realize. 💜

On our way out to AZ, I got a call from my oncologist. I panicked answering the phone, thinking I missed an appointment or something. Instead, she asked me if I would be interested in speaking at Kaiser’s National Cancer Survivor Day on June 2nd. My response- absolutely! I have no idea what I’m going to say but I’m pretty excited about it all! So if you’re in the area and want to see me freak out (and possibly pee myself) about speaking in public. Come on by! It will be a good time for all.

Last update for today- about a month ago, John, the kiddos, and I headed up to Culver City so I could take part in a Cancer Survivors Photo shoot. The amazing ladies from Luna Peak photography really know how to make a gal feel goooooood. They did my makeup, styled my hair and snapped some of the best pics. We even got to get some family shots which (you can tell by their outfits) we didn’t plan for. But they are so us! And I so am grateful to have those moments captured.

Sometimes I wonder if you guys get sick of my gratefulness and positivity. But for real, I mean, it’s not always unicorns shitting rainbows over here. We all have bad days- remember that. And those days are ok to visit. Just as long as we don’t live there. I just try and focus on the happy as much as I can. Yeah? Yeah.

Mamas got this 💜