Two years ago today, I knew something wasn’t right in my body. I hadn’t yet seen my midwife or been referred for an ultrasound, I just knew.

We had spent the weekend in Northern California, celebrating my brother’s engagement and the upcoming babies that would be joining our family. The whole time, a lump that I’d found several weeks before, was being rubbed and poked by the underwire of my bra. I was hoping it was just a clogged milk duct since I was pregnant but I had secretly already begun to prep myself for the chance that it could be something worse.

I mean, I knew that it was a possibility, having lost my mom to C in 2008. But at that point in my life, I didn’t know that I carried the BRCA gene and honestly, I was looking for inflammatory breast C symptoms since that’s what she had and that’s what I was familiar with. Not a lump… or 5.

The week and a half that followed was a complete whirlwind. A scheduled prenatal appointment (that happened to be on my mom’s birthday) started it all. The midwife’s face projected the concern I really wasn’t hoping for. The ultrasound that Friday, which required the doctor to take more pics because ‘he liked to take them himself’, was immediately followed up by me crying on the table with my belly propped up on pillows, positioned awkwardly so that they could complete an unplanned biopsy.

I was supposed to be creating a safe space for the baby inside of me. Instead, I was panicking, filling with stress. Thinking I was going to die. Wondering what my babies would do without me.

A funny (not ha ha funny) part of that timeline is that we had maternity photos scheduled for Monday, the day before diagnosis. Underneath that blue dress, my breast was tender, sore from the biopsy. Behind our smiles was fear of what was to come- and some denial.

And then the story we are all familiar with- the call. Tuesday morning I got the call while at work. I had cancer. Me, mom of a 1 year old, 32 weeks pregnant with our second baby, 32 years old.

A lot has happened since that crazy week and now, two years later, I am grateful to still be able to update this blog.

I’m not actually sure the point of this particular post. And honestly, I have other things to report on. But it felt right to share again. And to celebrate that I’m still kicking, two years later.

So I guess, stay tuned.