Today marks 3 years since I got the call confirming what I already knew… And what we all now know.
What I didn’t know at that time was- What would happen to the baby growing inside of me? What would my husband and 1 year old do if something happened to me? How would I choose to handle the news? And I definitely did not comprehend how dramatically my life and outlook on life would change.
That call obviously shook my world and the world of my family and friends. And I often wonder if baby Wyatt could feel it too. But after speaking with my team of doctors, my first concern was addressed. The baby in my belly would be perfect… and he is. Sometimes a perfect pain in the keister but still perfect.
And thankfully I am still here to witness the great father John is to our little humans. And I get to see Harlon growing up to be an amazing child. AND it turns out, I handled the diagnosis and what followed pretty OK. Of course, I had and continue to have my shit days. And my complete shit days. And my “I’m never leaving my bed because life isn’t fair” shit days. But I try to keep a positive outlook as often as possible (while giving myself permission to throw the occasional pity party). And I remind myself that I get to choose if I walk around miserable and mean or if I want to choose to look at the positives and radiate joy.
This way of thinking is not for everyone, I get that. And I have never tried to push my views on life onto anyone else. I mean, we all get to walk our own paths. But I remember reading a quote by another survivor right after I was diagnosed which said “Breast cancer can change you, but the change can be beautiful”. I have tried to wholeheartedly embody that idea by looking for the beauty even when it seems to be pure shit surrounding me.
I know I don’t post very often about my story anymore. But it’s not because I am “all better” or “over it”, but it’s because I am busy living this life I’ve been blessed with, spending my time with the people I love and who spark pure joy in my heart. This disease has taught me what is important and what is not, where I want to focus my energy and where I can let go. I am busy with my family, teaching yoga, supporting others who’ve been diagnosed, working on projects… all with the goal to leave the world better and more joyous than I found it and to be the light for others when the darkness tries to consume them.
Truthfully, anxiety still haunts me, as it always has. And I’m not sure if I’ll ever get past the feeling of ‘running out of time’. But life continues to be put into perspective and it’s nice to know we are all in this together…
So cheers to many, MANY, M A N Y more years to come!