No Nips- No Prob (Don’t read this if seeing me topless offends you 😂)

April 11, 2018.Reading time 5 minutes.

Do I have perky breasts? Nope. A flat and fit tummy? Nah. Long and flowing hair? Not even close. But is my heart filled with love? Completely. Is my soul beaming with hope? You’re damn right. Do I know how strong I am? You bet your sweet ass.

The picture below is raw and it’s not wrapped up in a pink bow.

It’s only been a year since my double mastectomy. About 9 months since completing radiation. And about 8 months since my total hysterectomy. My body is still healing and adjusting- same with my mind and soul. But I will not let what has happened to me, define me. Nor will I be ashamed of this picture. The scars are just part of my story and I’m proud of me. (Even though I had to convince myself that it’s ok to share this pic.) Why I questioned myself is a whole different post in itself…. Another day

If a female body with no nipples and a chest that’s a bit con-caved bothers you, well- I’m not sorry. This is what I am working with these days. In my C community, scars are the norm. In my home, we don’t blink an eye. In fact, I often wonder if my boys will be confused one day…… in a very very very long time…. when they see another woman with breasts and nipples. But I mean, like a reeeeaaaallllllly long time from now. 😆

So if you are like so many who have questioned ‘what it looks like’ – here you go.

This picture was taken in Sedona, Arizona- a place that I thought might be all hype even though I hoped not. I heard it was ‘healing’ and all that jazz. For a moment I wondered if it would heal this frickin sinus infection that has been plaguing me for two weeks. It didn’t. But what it did do- holy crap you guys- it began to heal my soul. I left there feeling so connected to myself and totally recharged. Maybe it was spending more time in nature half naked. Maybe it was spending time with people I loved. Maybe it was the vortexes. Maybe it was the crystals. Maybe it was the wine….. Maybe it was a mixture of lots of stuff. I don’t have the answer. But I still feel amazing from it. And to add to the healing, we were able to spend time with John’s family and some of my family along the way. I truly believe that surrounding yourself with love and positivity heals us more than we realize. 💜

On our way out to AZ, I got a call from my oncologist. I panicked answering the phone, thinking I missed an appointment or something. Instead, she asked me if I would be interested in speaking at Kaiser’s National Cancer Survivor Day on June 2nd. My response- absolutely! I have no idea what I’m going to say but I’m pretty excited about it all! So if you’re in the area and want to see me freak out (and possibly pee myself) about speaking in public. Come on by! It will be a good time for all.

Last update for today- about a month ago, John, the kiddos, and I headed up to Culver City so I could take part in a Cancer Survivors Photo shoot. The amazing ladies from Luna Peak photography really know how to make a gal feel goooooood. They did my makeup, styled my hair and snapped some of the best pics. We even got to get some family shots which (you can tell by their outfits) we didn’t plan for. But they are so us! And I so am grateful to have those moments captured.

Sometimes I wonder if you guys get sick of my gratefulness and positivity. But for real, I mean, it’s not always unicorns shitting rainbows over here. We all have bad days- remember that. And those days are ok to visit. Just as long as we don’t live there. I just try and focus on the happy as much as I can. Yeah? Yeah.

Mamas got this 💜

Unicorn

October 23, 2017.Reading time 6 minutes.

This past Wednesday, I started back up on Xeloda. I am feeling pretty good so far but I did notice that the bottoms of my feet are turning red again. No pain yet, just red. And my hands are super dry. No amount of lotion or oil can hydrate them which is so frustrating. I’ve always been obsessed with having lotion on my hands so this is driving me nuts. Overall, I’ve noticed that my skin is extremely dry on the Xeloda weeks.

As far as mood swings, I feel like the extremes have started to level out. I can’t remember crying since my last post… so there’s that. I’m still crazy irritable though. I find myself having to take lots of deep breaths and little time outs to get through things that are not even a big deal. But in those moments, they’re fricken massive issues for some reason. I’m hoping to continue this leveling out business so that I don’t end up chasing all my loved ones away. 😬

Also, this past Wednesday, I attended a yoga teacher training open house at my studio. You guys, I walked into this meeting excited and left completely pumped up! I literally got chills while listening to a past student talk about his experience with the training. And listening to the instructors, it all felt so right.

I’ve thought about pursuing my yoga teacher certification for several years now. But I always found some reason to put it off. I’d decided that this was the year I would somehow figure it out. The universe must have been paying attention because I have been blessed with an incredible opportunity to earn my yoga teacher training certification with my studio, Yoga Sol in Yorba Linda.

Thrilled doesn’t even come close to explaining how I feel about it all! I’m eager to see the positive changes to come, along with more physical and emotional healing. The curriculum sounds challenging yet fun and so very interesting. And I can already tell that the class community will be encouraging and supportive- we all seem to bring something different to the group which is super fun.

Years ago, I wanted to get my yoga teacher training solely so that I could offer prenatal classes to women that were NOT held in the middle of the day. 🙄 … My goals and reasonings have shifted a bit since pregnancy but I still have a strong desire to learn more, deepen my practice and to be able to share it with others. The teachers at Yoga Sol have helped me heal so tremendously throughout this last year and have really inspired me to take this next step.

Since going back to work, I’ve started to notice some seriously extreme pain on the right side of my neck, shoulder and upper back. At first my brain went to a bad place but then I realized, it’s a familiar pain that I’ve experienced on and off for several years now. I think it all dates back to a 2005 car accident where I ended up in the hospital- it was a Valentine’s Day to (black out from a head injury but wake up shortly after) remember. 😐And I’m pretty sure it’s flaring up again since I’m back, sitting at a desk for work. Thank goodness I have the most amazing chiropractor to help me out. Yup, the same gal who got me through two vomit filled and pain filled pregnancies and just a little life altering diagnosis. Rad. Lady. Posse. 💪🏻 Right after my adjustment, I felt relief. She sent me home with some great exercises so I can help myself along the way.

I want to end this post with a MASSIVE thank you to my friend Joe at On Season Meals in Fullerton. When I was diagnosed, he offered to set us up with weekly prepped meals. These meals not only fed me, John, and the kids but they also fed caregivers who came to help us out. They saved us on nights where we were so exhausted from appointments, medications, surgeries, overall parenting… that making dinner would not have happened. These meals kept us eating healthy when it could have been so easy to go through a drive thru somewhere and eat crap.

So, Joe (hah that rhymes 😜) thank you to you and your staff for everything!! I don’t know how we can ever express how grateful we are for your generosity and support!

Team Filloon- what began as a family joke, has proven to be the strongest team ever. You guys keep us going whether you know it or not. My worry is that it will never truly be understood how thankful we are for each and every one of you. 💜

A letter to the ladies

March 21, 2017.Reading time 3 minutes.

Dear breasts,

The time has come to say goodbye and go our separate ways. We have been through so much together, so it’s going to be tough going on without you. But I will be ok.

You made yourselves known pretty early in life and I wasn’t ready. I hid you in tight sports bras and baggy t-shirts. What else could a 6th grader do?

By the 7th grade, we were on better terms. I had learned to live with you guys. That’s what it was, we were just coexisting with each other. I never felt comfortable letting you shine in all your glory. As I got older, even my mom would say “flaunt them while you got them!” Who knew that one day I wouldn’t ‘have them’?! Not me. But I was always so self conscious and I kept you under wraps for a lot of the time.

Then you really outdid yourselves at our wedding. Schwing! Thanks for that! I mean, it took a handful of ladies to control you that day and smuggle you into the weirdest contraption of a bra so that you could really strut your stuff. And you both looked fantastic.

You went on to feed my first born for 13 months and for that, I am beyond grateful. I had planned to use your skills for my second baby but that wouldn’t be the case. But I know you tried.

We’ve been through thick and thin. You know, thick like my freshman 15 and sophomore 20. And thin like our half marathon days. Get it? Thick. Thin. I hope I’m still funny without you.

You are a part of me and it will be an adjustment going on without you. But you’ve had a great run. And me, well, I have to keep on keepin’ on. You’ll always have a place in my heart. I’ll never forget you, probably mostly because I’ll have some pretty crazy scars to remind me of where you once stood.

Thank you. I love you. Now it’s time for you to go.

Sincerely,

Jessica