Zap Zap #1

Nerves + over adequate hydration + the office running an hour behind schedule due to a broken machine = three potty breaks before they even took me back to Serenity. Once they got me positioned on the board and lined me up with my tattoos, I had a quick pity party for one. I’m 33, I should be focusing on how the heck someone potty trains a toddler, not who’s going to watch said toddler and his little cheeseball of a brother every day for the next five weeks. Then I remembered- it is what it is (thank goodness for #teamfilloon) and then thought of one of my favorite sayings- bloom where you are planted. So I will. (Try)

The techs took a couple of X-rays to make sure everything was all good and then they placed a bolus pad on me. It’s like a large gel pad and I can’t remember what it does. Something about being an extension of my skin…. So, that’s there and then zap zap zap. All together, the actual time on the board was about 10-15 minutes. I felt nothing, saw nothing, smelled nothing. The most stressful part is when they say “Just keep breathing normal.” Yeah, ok. Gasp, gasp, gasp. 

Me, trying to breathe normal 😳

So, recently, I googled if Mercury was in retrograde. Short answer- No. Then I googled “what does Mercury in retrograde mean….”

Why did I google this? Because I google everything, duh. And because I’ve been in a funk and I just can’t seem to shake it. I’m not mad, or sad but not totally happy either and I can’t pinpoint it to one thing. I do feel like the after effects of chemo are really starting to kick in. The chemo brain and joint pain are really bringing me down. Each morning when I get out of bed, I shuffle to the restroom because the pain and stiffness in my feet is unreal. Sometimes I can’t even open the milk for H because my fingers are too achy. And the insomnia. Arg. 

I try to stay positive and I’m completely aware that I have so much to be thankful for. And I am. But I also want to be honest, things get hard. I have lived with anxiety for as long as I can remember but as of late, it’s been really yuck. And overwhelming. 
I have realized my self care has been lacking so I’m sure that’s not helping. I’m really trying to get back to it. Eating better, exercising, yoga, acupuncture, deep breathing, beach trips…. but in the meantime, do I just fake it till I make it? Isn’t that a thing? Like if you make your self smile, eventually you won’t have to try because you actually get happy….. something like that?

Me, beachin’ it with the boys
Also me

I know we all face moments when we need to fake it till we make it. And if you don’t, seriously- a huge high five for you. Hell man, high fives all around anyways because life gets hard whether you need/want to fake it or not. I guess this just happens to be my moment and I’ll pull through. 
Luckily I have Zoloft to help me fake it until I do.  πŸ˜œ

7 thoughts on “Zap Zap #1

  1. I love this post because it’s so honest and true (like all of your posts). I’ve been struggling with a lot of the same feelings and it’s reassuring to know I’m not crazy or alone. The mind is a powerful thing. Keep fighting girl. You are so strong and give us all hope. I don’t even know you, but think about you often.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Jessica….. I have no answers…. but “live in the moment”….. sounds like your head knows that already! No magic I guess…. although all the love & support surrounding you is magic!!!! Just keep on keepin’ on …. this too shall pass! Walking with you in love!!! Cyn

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Miss you girl! Hate you are going through this physical and emotional test, but your strength and resilience is an inspiration. Keep up the good work, even when you are faking it!!

    Liked by 1 person

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