Menopause Sucks

September 20, 2017.Reading time 7 minutes.

I’ve been eating my feelings lately. Mainly with Trader Joe’s Pumkin Biscotti. To be real- I’ve written a lot of this post in tears. Some in anger. And some just feeling blah. Maybe it’s the menopause. Maybe it’s all of the bad news my pink sisters have been receiving lately- because they aren’t just stories anymore- they are my real friends. Maybe it’s because all of this is still so scary at times. Maybe I’m coming down from the high of celebrating my baby turning 1. Whatever it is, it’s been hard and I’ve been weepy. So weepy.

Yes, I said pumpkin up there. And you are right if you’re thinking we’ve probably already decorated for Halloween. Harlon asked me on Sunday if we could get out the Halloween stuff and who am I to say no? I mean, if Disneyland can decorate now, so can we. And at this point in my life, I do what I want. And you better believe I’ve been lighting that pumpkin scented candle every day since.

This week didn’t have one easy drop off for either boy at school. Harlon repeatedly told me on the way that he does not want to go to school anymore. He wants to stay home and learn letters with me and brother every day. Both kids cried hysterically when I dropped them off in their classrooms and my heart broke. I fought back the tears, knowing that this is something that lots of parents deal with. I just haven’t figured out how to do that yet.
Harlon has been saying a lot “Mommy you came back for us.” And every time I say “Of course, baby doll.” And he’s always telling me he “just wants to be wth me.” But what happens if the day comes and I’m not there to pick them up? I don’t come back? I absolutely hate that these are things that I think about. And I really hate talking about them but I hope this helps me process the feelings and the fears. In the meantime, I’m trying to counteract it all with positive visualizations throughout my days.
Today I had an oncology follow up to see how the Xeloda is treating me- I just took my last dose of the first cycle this morning. I’ll have 1 week off and will begin again next Wednesday for two weeks. So far, I have only noticed some increased fatigue, dry finger tips and slight pain in my right foot. But with all that has been going on, I can’t directly pin point these problems to the Xeloda. On top of those things, my moods have been so very off which is most likely the result of my total hysterectomy and surgical menopause.
We are going to raise my Zoloft dose in hopes to try and balance out my emotions and my higher than usual anxiety levels. I’ll also be starting Restoril in regards to my insomnia. My thyroid levels will be tested again tomorrow to see what’s up and if the Synthroid is helping or if it needs to be increased.

I had to go to the doc the other day too, not my usual PCP, for a lump I found on my foot. Initially I thought it was a bug bite. When it didn’t go away after 10 days, I freaked. Lump. Any lump. Anywhere= PTSD. Thank goodness it’s just a ganglion cyst. Nasty, I know, but I’ll take a cyst over the other options. Anyways, since it was a new doctor, I met a new nurse. The universe knew that I needed to meet her in that exact moment.

Turns out, she is a 5 year triple negative BC survivor, also BRCA 1. This is big for me, to meet another TNBC survivor and to see her thriving. We’ve exchanged numbers and I hope to meet up with her soon. My rad lady posse keeps growing 💜

I was able to get back to acupuncture yesterday and it was nice to focus on my healing again. My acupuncturist and I always have these therapeutic conversations and I walk away feeling like, ‘yes, I’ve got this.’ 👊🏻 I also hope to be cleared to get back to yoga very soon.

As a reminder, I never post these things for pity or sad faces. I post the truth, my feelings- so that you all may be able to understand me and my life. And so that if someone out there is feeling the same or dealing with something similar, I want them to know they are not alone.

Also- if anyone has an at home booty workout that is legit- help a sister out. No boobs means I want to get a rocking boo-tay! Not looking to be sold on something but a few moves to lift that sucker up would be greatly appreciated. I’m over this pre-pubescent tween boy look I’ve got going on.

Just for funzies, here’s me in my Britney moment at Wyatt’s birthday party. Thank you Lizard Wizard for providing the snake of my worst nightmares 🙀

And this new tank from my cousin Mandi sums a lot of crap up. 🤗

Brother

September 14, 2017.Reading time 7 minutes.

As I rocked Wyatt tonight and fed him his last bottle as my wee baby, I was overwhelmed with gratitude and love because tomorrow he turns one. And I am here to celebrate with him.

I was reminded of when I read the Giving Tree to Harlon for the first time. I sobbed. I was also pregnant with Wyatt at that time and wondered how I could love another baby as much as I loved H. Well, long story short. I do. I love my boys more than anything on this earth. With all my heart. Insert any other cliche saying here.

The last year, as difficult as it was at times, was something so necessary so that I could be here to welcome Wyatt into this next year of excitement. So that I can walk into his room tomorrow morning and see that giant grin on his chubby face. All of the pain, nausea, surgeries, doctors appointment, tears… all worth it.

Behind the scenes info- I don’t usually sit down and write out a blog post in one fell swoop. Most of the time, I’ll jot down thoughts over the course of several days and construct something readable over time. And this post is no different. But looking back over my ‘notes’, this one has turned out very differently than it began. My last couple of weeks have been pretty negative. At least, I have been negative, all my notes were beyond negative, and I’m pretty sure it’s a result of the hormone changes from the hysterectomy. My mood swings have been atrocious and they are hard to hide. I’m not proud of it but also find it difficult to correct. Positive Jess took a break from life for a bit and bitchwad Jess stepped in. Full force.

Sometimes bitchwad Jess is funny and extra witty. But sometimes, this time, she is just flat out shitty. I’ve been super irritable. Snapping at John, the kids, Pete dog, you name it. Usually at times like this, I take a time out and soak in a relaxing bath but I’m not allowed to do that for another 4 weeks and I’ve had a hard time finding a new coping skill.

It’s the little things that are setting me off too. Stuff that I was totally cool with just a few weeks ago. For example, I’m frustrated with my hair. With my thin eyebrows. I’m suddenly struggling with a lack of body confidence when, just a week ago, I was rocking it. I had prepped myself for pain and hot flashes post surgery. Not for being an unpredictable nutbag.

On top of all that crazy, I started Xeloda last week- that’s the oral chemo pill that I’m taking just as a precaution. So far the only noticeable side effect is extra fatigue. Or is that motherhood?

Yesterday, I had an unplanned follow up with my onc gyno. I’ve had increased bleeding and he wanted to make sure that my stitches (up in my hoo-ha) were still in place. They are all good, I just need to make sure I am not lifting anything heavy for several more weeks. I seriously love that man. But I feel like that might be a creepy thing to get into about the doc who’s all up in your bits. 😳

Leaving that office, I randomly ran into Chuck- the Chicago loving radiation tech guy. We laughed to see each other out in the real world, he introduced me to his wife, I talked crap on Peter Cetera. It was a good time.

Just a few hours later, I actually headed to the radiation department for a follow up there too. I love that office so much. I love the staff, the vibe, even the familiar smell. Even while loving that place, I was in a crap mood until the doc walked in and started a super awesome pep talk. I’m not sure if she could tell that’s what I needed so badly at the time or what. But she pumped me up. She said something along the lines of “Jump in there kid. Live life. You’ve had a crazy year and your body’s been through a lot; pregnancy, C-section, chemo, breast surgery, radiation, hysterectomy, more chemo. Your body is recalibrating but you have what we call a strong constitution. I wish you could see what I see all day and you’d realize how strong you are. Think of all your battles fought and battles won.” I told her I wish I could record her and replay it on bad days because it was exactly what I needed to hear.

As far as the rad follow up, everything looks great. The change in skin color will lighten over time but after about a year, the color it is, will likely remain. I call it my badge of honor. When I left I told them, “I love your faces but I hope not to see them again.” They agreed. So that’s that.

And then, holding baby Wyatt in my arms tonight, everything seemed to be put back into perspective. All of the complaints and crap above didn’t matter in that moment. Obviously I can’t change the hormone crap. But at least I can acknowledge the feelings and try to regroup.

So, happy almost birthday to my forever baby. I love you more than you’ll ever be able to comprehend…. until you have a child of your own I would guess. And here’s to many, many, MANY more birthdays that we will celebrate together.

Xeloda Begins

September 7, 2017.Reading time 2 minutes.

I don’t have much to report other than I had a super swell hysterectomy follow up today and I started my first cycle of Xeloda tonight.

My gyno is really pleased with how I’m healing post surgery. I am too. I imagined it would be as painful as my C-section, not even close! I’ve had some slight cramping the last few days but nothing that required any meds. I still have lifting restrictions but I also still have kids, soooo…..

I don’t feel anything yet with the Xeloda, except some light anxiety of the unknown. Like I’ve said before, this oral chemo pill will be something I take twice a day, for two weeks and then off for one week- that’s a complete cycle. This will continue for as long as I can tolerate the side effects- which can include GI issues, fatigue, and itchiness/skin peeling from the palms and soles of my feet. I will not lose my hair with this one. 👍🏻

The only other big doins’ going on over here in the Filloon Household- Wyatt is turning one soon! What the heck, right?!? Next Thursday, my (not so little) preemie baby boy will be a toddler. We’ll have two frickin’ toddlers. It’s been one hell of a year but I am so grateful that I have been able to be home with him and see him become the chunky and hilarious dude he is. Oh and he finally says mama! Dada’s not the only cool kid around here anymore!