Counts Are Up

February 1, 2017.Reading time 5 minutes.

Last Friday’s blood draw showed that my white blood cell counts weren’t up to where they needed to be so I had to continue with the Zarxio shots until last night. I went back for another draw today and holy crap, they were way up!! The doctor’s office called to say that chemo is definitely a go for this week. 👍🏻 During our conversation, I brought up my bone pain and how it got extremely worse the last few days. She reminded me that the shots stimulate bone marrow to make more white blood cells which creates pain. The higher the white blood cell count, the more pain. The average range is like 4×1000/mcL – 11×1000/mcL. Mine was 23.5x1000mcL this morning. 😳 Which explains why at Target today, I- for real- almost couldn’t get back up from grabbing something off of the bottom shelf because I thought my hip joints and lower spine were shattering. Not cool, man.

On Sunday, I saged the shit out of our house to get rid off all the bad juju I’ve been feeling around. It felt necessary, going into this week with my 3rd AC- which just the thought of, makes me queasy as hell. Harlon loved the sage burning, he kept saying “Mmmmmm smells goooood” Cute kid. He’s right, it does smell good and it makes me feel good.

Feeling good- It’s funny, a handful of days before my next chemo is due and I finally get my energy and mental clarity back. Like I am free from the chemo confusion. Happiness and positivity are dominant again. I feel creative and ready to take on the world- ready to get shit done. I’m back to being a capable mother. I find myself organizing and purging. Heading to target and to the park. In this small window of time, I am wanting to make plans, plan trips, have living room dance parties, go to dinners, pop pink champagne, go shopping at the mall- and then go home as soon as I realize I don’t like the mall and do some online shopping. But you get it. My future feels so bright, this surge of energy makes me feel powerful and in control of my life again. I feel like superwoman. I also have this overwhelming sense of peace about everything. Things feel good. I want to feel this way after all of this crap is over. That’s a goal of mine. Among others. Those, I’ll share another day.

While purging and organizing today, I came across all of the cards I’ve received since my diagnosis. I have mentioned in the past that I’ve saved nearly every card ever given to me. These are no exception. I absolutely love getting cards and notes in the mail. And I love going back and reading them over again. This is the stack. Minus a few that Harlon took for himself because they were “kewl”.

John is going to cringe when he sees this. Sorry John. But he knows, I “hang onto things”. (NOT A HOARDER) I’m notorious for leaving a pile of papers on the counter and saving ones I’ll go through later. That pile usually makes it to another pile somewhere out of sight. These were part of that ‘out of sight’ pile. And they make me so happy. 🤗 I like being happy.

Fun pic of the day- in the Target parking lot.

Like- at the same time? Or this is one thing? Like a shart?

Mastectomy Date

January 29, 2017.Reading time 5 minutes.

My bilateral mastectomy has been scheduled for March 21st. With this date slowly approaching, I’m beginning to grieve the loss of my breasts. Now it’s real, no longer this ‘thing’ that’s going to happen sometime in the future.

I find myself noticing how clothes fit me and wondering how it will change. When I put on a top, I admire how the fabric clings to my curves, how feminine I feel. Will I still feel this way when I’m completely flat? When my children rest their heads on my chest, I feel motherly and nurturing. I worry that I won’t feel as inviting to them. Or will they even notice? Anxiety has been filling my days since we scheduled. It’s the same anxiety I felt when we scheduled my induction date with Wyatt. I know it’s coming but I don’t know when I’ll feel ready.

I’m typically a happy person, a people pleaser. I usually hate confrontation. It makes me super uncomfortable. But as of late, I feel myself wanting to picks fights. With people I know. With complete strangers. Anyone really. I guess I’m angry and I want people to know it. I feel like I am about to lose a big piece of me. I know, they are just breasts. But fuck. And because I am BRCA 1 positive, I will have a total hysterectomy including my ovaries and tubes later this year. Removing more of my body and sending me straight into menopause. Thankfully, I believe that my body is just a vessel for my soul. And the soul is the good shit. This belief makes it all a little easier (not the menopause part) but, again, fuck.

Even if I do decide on reconstruction, I don’t have that option until late this year so I still need to get used to the fact that I will not have breasts. And even then, reconstructed breasts will not be my breasts. Because of this, I have decided to document my mom-boobs before they are no-boobs with some professional photos.

Weird? Maybe. But it’s me and not you. So get over it. ( Ugghhhh, there I go again, trying to pick a fight) Looking back, I am so thankful for the couple of random breastfeeding pics John took of me and Harlon. And for the few that were taken the day of Wyatt’s newborn photo shoot. Even though in the moments I felt silly, I love them. My body has been amazing and I am proud of it and I don’t ever want to forget it.

I’ve put a lot of thought into this decision. I questioned if I’d ever really want to look back at them. They aren’t the perky girls they once were. But damn it, whose are? So yes, I want this. Not to look back on and be sad but to remember our glory days and be proud. Or maybe I’ll put them in a drawer and forget about them and one day one of my kids will stumble upon them. That will be a fun conversation.

At my surgery appointment last week, I also learned that my port will most likely be removed at the time of my mastectomy. At first this worried me. Like my safety net, my quick chemo fix option, would be gone. But that feeling has passed. I don’t want to put that energy out there. I will not need to have chemo anymore, therefore, I do not need a port. Right?

Anyways, enough depressing shit. Did I tell you guys that we are going to The Total Package Tour in June?! What’s this you ask? Oh, it’s only….New Kids on the Block with Paula Abdul and Boyz II Men 🙌🏻 Hells yeah.

AC Follow Up

January 23, 2017.Reading time 3 minutes.

Per my oncologist, Friday’s exam looked good. Turns out though, my white blood cell count was a bit low with my last blood draw but she didn’t want to hold chemo off another week. So this means lots of exhaustion is to be expected this time around. I also need to monitor my temperature in case of a fever or infection due to the low counts. I am still on the Zarxio shots to raise my white blood counts but now I also have to go in Wednesday and Friday for blood draws to make sure they are keeping the numbers up. Usually, I just take the shots and trust that it’s working.

Other than the additional shots, I don’t have too much to report. Thank goodness!! I went in for hydration on Friday evening which was planned. I’ve also been staying on top of my nausea meds and fluid intake much better than last time. I’m definitely tired and I feeldizzy at times but not like the last round. Honestly, if it had been as bad as last time, well, I don’t know. It would have been really bad. I’m not in the clear yet. Mouth sores showed up later in the week last time so that’s still a possibility. But generally speaking, I’m feeling pretty OK. I’ve been hesitant to even post this because I didn’t want to jinx myself. Even my month long cold is nearly gone. And my croup kid is feeling better too.

Val and I at the Hydration Station. AKA at the infusion center getting fluids into my port.

Val has been a huge help here with the kiddos, allowing me to rest up. We’re even hoping to get a Target trip in and an aquarium visit in this week as long as I stay feeling fine.

Tuesday, I have another appointment with my surgeon now that I am half way through the final chunk of chemo. I don’t know if we will decide on a date or what will be discussed but, of course, I’ll let you all know.

And if you have been curious as to what 26 eyebrow hairs look like. Here you go.