Today is the start of my new chemo cocktail – Adriamycin/Cytoxan. 1st of 4 treatments. It also marks three years since my dad passed away and I miss him every single day. 

Lately, I have been having random dreams where my parents are there. I don’t get to talk to them but I see them. It’s comforting. Because in these dreams I am extremely aware of my current situation. I see myself with no hair and I am fighting hard in these dreams. So it’s nice to feel their presence. 

Yesterday was a good day full of positive people and fun compliments. It was a good day to finally step out of the house following the terrible cold I caught. I mean awful. 🤧 On Monday, I could barely move. I put on movie after movie for Little Har as we sprawled out on the couch. But yesterday I turned the corner towards health. When I went to get my blood drawn, the man at the reception desk complimented my head shape. Who knew that could make a girl feel so good?  Said I was rocking the no hair thing and that I pulled it off so well. He said I was like Sinead O’Conner, back in the good old days 😉 Then the guy who drew my blood complimented the scent I was wearing saying I was soooo calming. I try, man. And when I got to acupuncture, I totally forgot I was scheduled with someone else because my lady was on vacation. When I walked in, my new dr was on the phone so I popped over to the relaxation room and made myself a cup of tea. When we went back to the room, we started the Getting to Know You Game. The first thing she asked me was if I knew what you do on a plane in case of emergency. You put the mask on yourself first and then anyone else that needs help. Right?…. And then she told me a story about a woman she knew who put others before herself while on chemo. I asked why she was telling me this. I mean, I didn’t know this woman at all and this is where she began. Before even asking me medical things. She told me she could just tell that I was this person and that I needed to be reminded. I had kind eyes, didn’t complain when she was running late, and showed a genuine smile when we talked. She could just tell. I’ll take these as compliments too, and as words to truly listen to. 

She told me that every morning as soon as I wake up, I must tell myself that I am most important. Because if I don’t take care of myself, I can’t take care of my family. Because, you know, you can’t fill from an empty cup…that whole thing. When I was leaving she told me “It’s all good. You’re going to be ok.” 💖

Today’s chemo- The Red Devil was a trip. It made me super sleepy and fuzzy for a while. Once I snapped out of it enough, I got up to use the restroom and completely forgot that my pee would be red. So that was cool. 😳At lunch later, I ate a beet salad to see just how red I could get this stuff. Pump. It. Up. 

At lunch, a nice lady popped by our table. Her name was Carole. Sweetest thing. She asked me about my treatment and pointed to my port. She told me she was also a survivor and that I am doing great. The comfort that comes with a person like this is indescribable. And her telling me it was all going to be ok was extremely reassuring. I believe her. As she was about to head back to her table she gave me a hug, a wink, and a thumbs up and said “keep on keeping on”. 💖 Will do Carole 👍🏻

Real quick, let’s talk about this weather. I understand several people are totally digging the warm temps. Like the guy at the Kaiser reception desk yesterday. He said it was “ahhhhhhmazing!” But give me a fucking break man. I already made it through another summer pregnancy, living in a puddle of my own sweat. Can’t I just get through ‘chemopause’ with some chill in the air? 80 degrees in December?!?! Poo poo on you So Cal. I am so over of these hot flashes. 

Anyway, I see my oncologist tomorrow for a follow up. I’m really excited to see her and hopefully have some reassurance that things are still going well. I am also hoping to get on the schedule for hydration infusion tomorrow. The holidays have made things tricky with scheduling. So we will see if it happens or if I even need it. Crossing my fingers that I feel super fantastic and can leave a spot for someone else who is in greater need. 

Fun fact: Last night, I dreamt that I met Shannen Doherty. You know- Brenda from 90210. And we sang Paula Abdul songs together at some exclusive nightclub. 
Words of advice: If ever you are feeling down…. go to my Facebook or Instagram and watch the video of John running with the parachute. It’s sure to make you laugh. A lot. Like tears. 🤣

  

Done with Taxol! Woot woot! 

I never thought I would be this happy to be back in my chemo chair! Actually, yes, I did. I enjoy being here. I feel like I am actively taking charge. It’s comforting to be hooked up, knowing that the poison is doing its thang. 

I thought I might have to skip again this week because even though my counts have gone up a little, they are still low. But I’m here! I have been having some headaches and the nurses seemed a bit concerned so they paged my oncologist. After what felt like a very long time, they came back to tell me we were all good and I could still get treatment today. Phew. 

While I was waiting for the go ahead, I started to panic. Immediately I wished I brought my Ativan as tears began to fill my eyes. Just then, a lady walked up to my chair. She was holding a handmade blanket and a bag of handmade donated beanies. I pulled it together. She asked me if I wanted either, I politely declined but we talked a little more. 

She walked up just at the right time. She asked me “what are you in for?” And we both laughed. She then told me she was a 6 year breast cancer survivor and showed me her beautiful tattoo over her port scar. Like a badge of honor. Then she told me I was a survivor too. I haven’t really thought of it that way. I didn’t think I could be a survivor until I was in remission. But here I am surviving. 

We talked a bit more and as she walked away she said “I’m doing whatever I want, whenever I want because life is too damn short!” Yup, she is right. And this has been my thinking lately too.  I’ve been telling myself to use the ‘good’ soaps, light the ‘good’ candles, go on that trip, love with all you have and let people know it.  There are no do overs in this life. It’s not like some Hallmark Christmas movie where you get to come back as an angel, learn your lessons, right your wrongs, find love, and then come back to life a changed person. She’s right. Life is too damn short. 

People with or those who have had cancer, in my experience, tend to be the most positive people. Funny right? 

Next week, I start AC. The Red Devil it’s been called. They will manually push the Adriamycin (red) and the Cytoxan will be via pump. Of course, I’ll report back. 

My most recent mantras:

I am healing everyday in every way. 

I will be cancer free. 

That one quickly turns into: 

Cancer free and gotta pee. It just rhymes so well. And I pee a lot.