The moment John fell out of that revolving door at Trophys, I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I was positive. Intense right? 

I wasn’t too sure about marriage at the time but I was content with being life partners. My forever Sig O. Eventually, we both warmed to the idea of marriage and here we are.

John is my lobster. The person who gets me most. I’m not saying that everything is perfect all of the time. Because, welp, this is life and sometimes life gets hard. But we always manage to pull through and end up stronger. 

John loves me for who I’ve been, who I am, and who I am becoming. It’s safe to say, he is my biggest cheerleader. And I, his. And I’m pretty sure that’s what love is. Am I right?

When my anxiety starts to get the best of me, he’s right there to bring me back. Somehow, he always knows the right things to say. Sometimes I wonder if our roles were switched, would I be able to be as strong and supportive as him? Or would I crumble? How would I know what to say to make things easier for him? 

With this week’s chemo postponed, I will admit, I have not been my strongest. It’s scary to be doing “nothing.” Also, there has been a longer than usual break inbetween Oncology appointments and I am missing her reassurance. My mind has been slipping to bad places and fear has been rearing it’s head again. But John isn’t having any of it. He reminds me that chemo alone doesn’t beat this. I must stay positive. Tonight he said something about us being like water, fluid to fit any situation. I mean, he says it all way more eloquently than that but you see where I’m going. He stays strong. 

Lately, I have been thinking about my reconstruction options. Maybe you remember my post about my visit with the plastic surgeon. If not, I’ll remind you. Reconstruction scares the fucking shit out of me. And I’m not sure if it’s a step I want to take. But I love knowing that John supports me no matter what decisions I make. He has made it clear that he will never love me any less if I decide to skip reconstruction. 

It’s easy to say no to reconstruction now but I don’t know what I’ll feel like after the removal of the girls. I mean, I have lugged them around for so long, it might get lonely. But I’ve been doing some research for when it’s time to make that decision. There is a really inspirational and motivating movement I have been introduced to. #flatandfabulous has helped me realize that I don’t have to have the reconstruction to still feel like a woman. Now, again, I don’t know if that will be my path. But at least I know it is an option. 

While submerged in #flatandfabulous, I found several strong women who have chosen to not have reconstruction. Deep in that hashtag, I stumbled upon Tig Notaro. Now, I realize I am late to the Tig game. But hell, if she is not someone who needs to be in my rad lady posse. She has been through some shit and came out stronger. If you don’t know who she is, she’s a very talented and insanely funny comedian. Last night, John and I watched Tig on Netflix. So many times, it felt as if she entered my body and spoke directly from my heart. Not even just about cancer, but about so many things. Including the feelings that go with the loss of a parent. Or two. 

She is bold and unapologetic and so hilarious. I really hope we can get to one of her shows in the new year, maybe after chemo is complete. Even more, I hope that I can keep my sense of humor like her. Because I can choose to laugh about it all or be pissed and cry. Laughing sounds way more fun. 

Alright, enough emotions. 

Fun fact: Things I wanted to be when I grew up- a veterinarian, a Fly Girl, a stand up comedian.