Tired As A Mother

November 17, 2016.Reading time 3 minutes.

It’s finally chilly enough to wear this sweatshirt and I am pumped. Or tired. Yeah, I’m tired. But also pumped. Coffffffeeeeeeeee.

I am not a fan of the warm weather in general but especially lately, all I have wanted was for this girl to catch a break so she could wear enough layers to cover up her C Section pooch! ☺️
Today marks my 8th Taxol treatment. Every appointment, I am asked if I have numbness or tingling in my hands or feet. Every appointment, I am beyond thankful that I can say no. Those side effects were a concern for me, I have heard the horror stories- the pain, not being able to walk or pick things up, the fact that it can last for several years after treatment. So, life is good.

Side note-Next week, chemo will be on Wednesday instead of my regular Thursday because of Thanksgiving. 🦃 (run turkeys!)

Last night I FaceTimed with my “crystal girl”. At least that’s how I refer to her 😊 I have followed her Instagram for a while now and have a beautiful bracelet made by her. (@iamblaireporter) Along with my bracelet came a personalized reading. She is amazingly talented in so many ways. We have been meaning to touch base to discuss a man that came to her while she was completing my order and we finally connected last night. Crazy, right?

I believe that everyone comes in and out of our lives for a reason and she is no exception. I felt an immediate connection with her. Needless to say, she’s definitely in the the Rad Lady Posse. This girl is truly talented and gifted. Blaire gave me the most precious gift though, a visit from my mom and dad. It was beyond special- I had chills, happy tears, a couple of sad tears, and so many memories filled my head.

I headed to yoga right after speaking with her and I was on such a high! It felt fantastic! I also got to use my new yoga mat which was the cherry on top. It’s like buttah.

Fun Fact- no hair means no need to adjust your pony tail mid pose. The perks.

I am currently sitting on a bench at Kaiser waiting for another appointment, meeting so many interesting peeps who want to share the sunshine. No need to worry but I am getting an ultrasound on my abdomen. I have had some pain on the right side near my ovary and the Drs just want to play it safe. Most likely, it’s just my body still healing from the Fallopian tube removal. Or maybe some scar tissue from that surgery or perhaps my endometriosis. I will report back when I have some news. Good vibes 🙌🏻

The Plastics

November 16, 2016.Reading time 6 minutes.

It’s been a busy week, full of fun life stuff and blah appointments. Saturday morning, we drove down to San Diego to celebrate my birthday with lots of our amazing friends and family members. That day didn’t start out the greatest though. I officially had my first chemo puke. It was like being pregnant all over again. I was standing in the kitchen and out of no where, BOOM. Vomit. I couldn’t stop. Harlon was yelling at me. Not words, just yelling. Sort of like when he yells at me when I use the dust buster. Like he’s seeing if he can be louder than the machine. Cute kid.

I started to feel better on the drive down and by party time, I was all good. I loved celebrating with everyone and felt honored to have so many people there for me. 🤗 33 is going to be spectacular.

Monday was my Look Good, Feel Better class. I left looking good and feeling better, so…. mission accomplished. I walked away with a bag-o-goodies and a few good tips. Although, I feel like I could have totally run that class with more pizazz. Hell, we are in there for a shitty reason, might as well have some fun with it. The girl in charge was great, very talented and sweet but also very much by the book. Maybe those are the rules, I don’t know. I tried to crack a few jokes and they went over pretty well. 😜I think I got this. John said I could run the class- it would be like the Comedy Traffic Ticket classes. You know, you get the option of the normal class or if you feel spunky enough, you can sign up for the comedy version. Needless to say, it was a nice trip to Kaiser amongst all of the other crappy ones.

Harlon’s birthday was yesterday, big boy turned 2! We must have sang the Happy Birthday song like 27 times throughout the day. He loves it. We celebrated with an extra long park trip, a two year doctors checkup, Target (his fav) and finished strong with Farrell’s ice cream. 🍦 Man, I love that kid.

Today was my first visit with the plastic surgeon. It started with a 15 minute video. Ho-ly. Shit. The video was completely overwhelming. John said it made him feel “not ecstatic” 😐 Turns out, I am totally terrified of reconstruction.

My surgeon, though, is amazing! Super smart, comforting, spent so much time with me, answered and re-answered all of my questions. I cried in there. I almost felt like I did at the beginning of this journey-not ready and scared as fuck. And he understood.

Per Dr. Iyer, I will be having delayed reconstruction because of the radiation treatments. He likes to wait 3-6 months after radiation to begin any reconstruction. So I won’t be back to see him for quite some time. Most likely, I’ll be boobless for most of next year. Maybe I’ll be able to better my mile time without the extra weight 😉 🏃🏻‍♀️

My options seem to be (please, google with caution):

A DIEP flap- He will take fat from my stomach- basically give me a tummy tuck- and put it up top.

A Latissimus Dorsi flap- He will take skin and muscle from my upper back to put on my right side breast area. Both sides would get expanders and then eventually, implants.

Both are way more complicated than this- obviously. And I’m not even sure I totally get it. We won’t know which option to go with until we get closer because we need to see what I’m working with in the belly department at that time. If I don’t have enough belly fat, then my only option seems to be the latissimus one. Both freak me out and involve lots of scars. So there is always the possibility that I love not having breasts, that I own it, and I don’t do any reconstruction. We shall see.

Oh and I don’t think I mentioned that I saw another surgeon last Friday- he’s the man who will be all up in my lady bits and removing them. Because I am BRCA positive, I need to eventually have my ovaries removed. After a lengthy discussion with him based on my situation, we both agreed that I will be having a hysterectomy. There is no date planned for this procedure but he and I we will be in touch. This appointment didn’t even phase me. No tears or second guessing. Go figure.

No Hair, Don’t Care

November 10, 2016.Reading time 3 minutes.

#nohairdontcare #TeamFilloon

Today is my 7th chemo treatment out of 12! Over half way there with the Taxol/Carboplatin regiment. As of right now, if all of my counts stay up, I will be starting the AC on December 22. Merry Christmas 😜And there has been a change of plans to the frequency. Instead of once every 3 weeks, I will be going in once every 2 weeks for 4 treatments total. This will have me done with chemo around early February- as long as my counts are good and nothing gets delayed. Then I will wait a month to have my surgery. I don’t have any more info on that yet, I see Plastics next Wednesday.

Still feeling pretty great, I had some serious bone pain this last week but my nurse today said that my symptoms are probably be the worst they will be will with this cocktail. So, cool! Or as Harlon would say “Oh, keeeeewl” Monday was rough but I am feeling much better now.

Not much else to report. Still managing to stay as positive as possible but allowing myself a shitty moment if need be. I’m really getting in the holiday spirit with all of the Hallmark movies on TV and the Christmas music on the radio- which totally helps to keep my spirits up. Even took the boys to see Santa yesterday so we could avoid the mall crazies after Thanksgiving. Harlon wasn’t having it. And I think Wyatt was just trying to poop on Santa.

My sister in law, Krissy, gifted me a Giving key this week and I am in love. My word is BRAVE. I will embrace my word and then pass it on to someone who needs it more than me when the time is right. I love it! It’s a constant reminder hanging around my neck. And when I feel I am done, someone else will receive this sweet gift.

As I sit here in my chemo chair (surprisingly comfy and heated) watching Flip or Flop and finishing up this post, I can hear the guy next to me on the phone with what sounds like his daughter. He’s probably close to my age. My first thought was that none of us should be here. I mean, yes, we should be getting treatment to get better so we can be with our loved ones. But overall, this shit should not be happening- to any of us. Old, young, male, female. Something needs to change. So let’s work on that. 👍🏻