Category: Surgeries

No Nips- No Prob (Don’t read this if seeing me topless offends you 😂)

.Reading time 5 minutes.

Do I have perky breasts? Nope. A flat and fit tummy? Nah. Long and flowing hair? Not even close. But is my heart filled with love? Completely. Is my soul beaming with hope? You’re damn right. Do I know how strong I am? You bet your sweet ass.

The picture below is raw and it’s not wrapped up in a pink bow.

It’s only been a year since my double mastectomy. About 9 months since completing radiation. And about 8 months since my total hysterectomy. My body is still healing and adjusting- same with my mind and soul. But I will not let what has happened to me, define me. Nor will I be ashamed of this picture. The scars are just part of my story and I’m proud of me. (Even though I had to convince myself that it’s ok to share this pic.) Why I questioned myself is a whole different post in itself…. Another day

If a female body with no nipples and a chest that’s a bit con-caved bothers you, well- I’m not sorry. This is what I am working with these days. In my C community, scars are the norm. In my home, we don’t blink an eye. In fact, I often wonder if my boys will be confused one day…… in a very very very long time…. when they see another woman with breasts and nipples. But I mean, like a reeeeaaaallllllly long time from now. 😆

So if you are like so many who have questioned ‘what it looks like’ – here you go.

This picture was taken in Sedona, Arizona- a place that I thought might be all hype even though I hoped not. I heard it was ‘healing’ and all that jazz. For a moment I wondered if it would heal this frickin sinus infection that has been plaguing me for two weeks. It didn’t. But what it did do- holy crap you guys- it began to heal my soul. I left there feeling so connected to myself and totally recharged. Maybe it was spending more time in nature half naked. Maybe it was spending time with people I loved. Maybe it was the vortexes. Maybe it was the crystals. Maybe it was the wine….. Maybe it was a mixture of lots of stuff. I don’t have the answer. But I still feel amazing from it. And to add to the healing, we were able to spend time with John’s family and some of my family along the way. I truly believe that surrounding yourself with love and positivity heals us more than we realize. 💜

On our way out to AZ, I got a call from my oncologist. I panicked answering the phone, thinking I missed an appointment or something. Instead, she asked me if I would be interested in speaking at Kaiser’s National Cancer Survivor Day on June 2nd. My response- absolutely! I have no idea what I’m going to say but I’m pretty excited about it all! So if you’re in the area and want to see me freak out (and possibly pee myself) about speaking in public. Come on by! It will be a good time for all.

Last update for today- about a month ago, John, the kiddos, and I headed up to Culver City so I could take part in a Cancer Survivors Photo shoot. The amazing ladies from Luna Peak photography really know how to make a gal feel goooooood. They did my makeup, styled my hair and snapped some of the best pics. We even got to get some family shots which (you can tell by their outfits) we didn’t plan for. But they are so us! And I so am grateful to have those moments captured.

Sometimes I wonder if you guys get sick of my gratefulness and positivity. But for real, I mean, it’s not always unicorns shitting rainbows over here. We all have bad days- remember that. And those days are ok to visit. Just as long as we don’t live there. I just try and focus on the happy as much as I can. Yeah? Yeah.

Mamas got this 💜

Hysterectomy Update 

.Reading time 4 minutes.


I never eat breakfast but as soon as someone tells you can’t do something, isn’t that all you can think about? My last food intake was at about 8pm the night before surgery. I was hangry by 7:37am yesterday. Hangry=hungry +angry. On top of it, I couldn’t have any coffee so I was swell to be around. 

We got to the hospital at 1:30, got all checked in and settled- and watched a few episodes of Bizarre Foods. Limited hospital channels. I was so hungry at this point that my mouth was watering while watching the host suck snails from the shells. 

My nurse was the best, I wanted to be friends with her. She has two girls, same ages as H and W so of course I was planning weddings in my head 😜 She reminded me of Ali Wong and I loved it. All of the staff was great really, they kept me nice and calm and truly listened to me when I expressed my fears of uncontrollable vomiting after surgery. They gave me a patch to wear behind my ear and three different nausea meds to combat any possible queasiness that would follow and it worked perfectly. 

My other main concern was what we would be listening to in the operating room. Whatever it was, it needed to be fun and upbeat. So naturally, I requested Britney. The OR nurses were so excited with this request and that pumped me up even more. Did they actually play it? No clue. But I like to believe they were pulling my innards out of my vag while singing:

“You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti?You want a Maserati? You better work bitch

You want a Lamborghini? Sippin’ martinis?

Look hot in a bikini? You better work bitch…

Now get to work bitch!

Now get to work bitch!”

-Britney Spears 

My post op team was flat out delightful, sweet and mellow. My main nurse Marylan, never even batted an eye when I was sure I was about to pee myself and needed a bed pan immediately. I didn’t pee. Or when I asked for my 7th pack of graham crackers and 5th apple juice. I loved her. 

I woke up in the recovery room feeling super crampy- almost like the beginning signs of labor. I tried to avoid the narcotics but ibuprofen didn’t do a damn thing and I was given some Dilaudid. It was sleepy magic. I was also connected to a sensor to monitor my breathing and it kept beeping. Apparently I was not breathing deep enough but I was convinced that I was not breathing at all. Marylan kept reminding me that she could see my chest rising and falling and that I was clearly talking to her. So good news, I was and am still breathing.

I still feel pretty crampy, bloated, and sleepy but overall, I feel great. Much better than I had anticipated. I never puked and was able to be discharged last night. We got home around 10 or 11. Honestly, I have no clue what time it was. I expected to feel lighter, a bit empty but nope. I don’t feel much of anything and I like it. 

Thank you everyone, for your thoughts, prayers, calls, texts, and overall good vibes. So much love to Team Filloon ❤️
Side note- this was written partially on Dilaudid last night and Norco today. If it makes no sense, well, I’ll have to read it later and update accordingly 😜

Hysterectomy Time 

.Reading time 4 minutes.

When I close my eyes, I’m instantly taken back to the amazing weekend we just celebrated in Half Moon Bay. And I’m beyond grateful that I was able to be a part of such a special series of events. 
Aaron and Jessica Beese- a phrase that was once used to refer to me and my brother, has taken on a new and beautiful meaning. It now represents my little brother and his new and gorgeous wife. The love they share for each other is magical. It was a spectacular weekend full of love, laughs, happy tears and magnificent promises. 
I gained a new sister this last weekend, more family and some new friends. And I gained memories that will last forever. I am so proud of those two. Weddings, they are the perfect reminder to love with all your heart- through the good and the bad, forever and always.

Coming off of that weekend, I jumped right back into the mom life and patient life. Yesterday was the boys’ first day of preschool and daycare. Driving them there, I felt like I was going to puke from nerves but as soon as we walked into Harlon’s class, he shouted “I love this!” I dropped them off and left feeling so proud and thankful that I get to witness these exciting days and massive milestones. 

Then I was off to Kaiser to pick up my post surgery meds and to get pre surgery blood work. It was a lot of blood….. I hate blood…… but based on my non-medical background, things (test results) look good. 

The hysterectomy and ovary removal will send me into immediate menopause. But I had a dream last night that my hot flashes were no worse than what I’m already dealing with. So maybe that’s a good sign. Fingers crossed because I am already a seriously sweaty mama. I’ve also been getting some awesome pep-talks and tips from my hyster-sister (she’s the wittier one in our relationship) and that has eased several fears. 
I’ve spent my last day before surgery lifting lots of heavy stuff because I’m going to miss that for the next couple of weeks. Just kidding, I lift shit because I’m a mom. And things need to get done. But for real, I spent the day prepping. Prepping my house (and my intestines – that ‘shit’ needs to be cleared so there more room for the doc to move and groove in there. 😜) , cleaning, shopping… all the fun stuff. 
The last few days, I’ve been extremely anxious and nervous about tomorrow’s surgery which is scheduled for 3:30pm. (That late start time means I can’t eat after 11pm tonight!!! Wahhhhh!) I’m on edge about going under again and what will be when I wake up. Will I be puking as much as I did after my mastectomy? I seriously hope not! But I’ve had a chance to sit with it all and I feel much more at peace. Because I know that I am taking this next step to be able to experience more moments like the ones I wrote about at the beginning of this post. 

Tomorrow, I most likely will not respond to any messages or texts (because I’ll be hangry as f*&@) but please know that I am so thankful for all of the love and support from everyone 💜