Category: Surgeries

WARNING *** Do Not Read If You Don’t Want to Visit the Land of the Boobless 

.Reading time 7 minutes.
Trying so hard to channel THIS

I’ve been putting this post off until I felt happy that radiation was over. I have yet to feel it, so here we go.

Wednesday was my 25th radiation treatment. AKA I’m done. AKA I am a walking piece of beef jerky. My arm pit is one large open wound and it’s slowly opening down my chest. The overall radiated area is the reddest thing I have have seen on a human and when I remove the bandages and clean the area, layers of skin slough off. Nurses word choice, not mine. It itches like a mo’fo’ but I fear if I scratch it, all of my skin will come off. That is a 100% serious comment. No funny business when it comes to losing skin. Just boobs, I guess.

At times, it feels like someone is inserting a handful of needles into my body and giving them a good wiggle. The pain never goes away. At night I wake up itching and then causing myself more pain. Each day, I slather on some cream prescribed by the doctor and bandage myself right up. At first, the cream gave me relief but not anymore. Apparently it’s just a thing I’m going to have to ride out because I have yet to see any healing or relief from the pain. Because if you have recommended something to help, I have tried it.

Far left: last day of rads. Progression to today 🔥

My fried pit is bringing back my T-Rex arm. Which gives me terrible neck pain and is NOT helping my shoulder situation. I look forward to the day when I don’t have to tell my kids “watch out, remember mama has owies”. Then I can move on to dealing with the royally fucked up mental issues I am left with. So yes, I am done with radiation.

It’s been so long since my last post that I feel like I have lots of updates. I’ll just give some highlights. A new yoga teacher took over my Wednesday morning healing class. I had an immediate good feeling about her. We got to talking after class and it turns out she is a 12 year survivor, diagnosed right after delivering her third child. 12 YEARS!!! I love those stories. So much better than when someone says “Oh, I knew so and so, they had C and they died.” Don’t say that. Just don’t.
Recently I had a massage with an amazing massage therapist here in Orange County who gives free oncology massages. She has a pay it forward program where tips allow her to do these massages for free. When I saw her, I had a flash back of the last time I had an appointment and I realized how far I have come. I remember feeling damaged, unsure- it was shortly after my double mastectomy. Even if I don’t realize it, I really have come a long way in a couple of months.  And funny thing- I have never felt more confident in my appearance. Ever.
My chiropractor has saved my ass (and neck and back and shoulder…) these last few weeks since I have been frequenting her office. She doesn’t only crack me and send me out the door, she’s like a therapist and friend. Looking back, she has helped me trough some really hard shit in the last few years and is definitely helping me get through this rough period. She’s one of the OG Rad Lady Posse members.

I took a macrame workshop a couple of weeks ago and it was a really fun way to ‘check out’ for a bit. I enjoyed it so much, reminded me of college- really putting my textile design degree to use. 😜 But I also loved the way I felt energized and happy afterwards. Like a power meditation or something. I bought some supplies to make some things on my own, you know, in all my free time.

My macrame masterpiece 🌱

The rawness of my chest and pit have not allowed me to go to yoga lately so it’s safe to say I’ve been a raging bitch. Word on the street is that I’ve been a bit ‘on edge’. The word’s not wrong. I know it’s true. (Re-reading this line makes me think of that song: Girl, you know it’s true Ooh Ooh Ooh I love you -Milli Vanilli) I’ve been an impatient, mean mama and wife lately. Which then makes me stress because I ‘should’ be loving life, just being thankful that I am alive. I am thankful but things still suck sometimes. And when I stress, I get the urge to purge. Like throwing everything out will give me clarity or something. Still looking for that clarity…..

I’m finding it hard to find the humor in this part of it all. Hopefully my next post will be more uplifting.
“It’s a terrible story, although surprisingly upbeat.” -Name that movie 🎥
Oh and I’m going to leave this right here-


Pathology Report 

.Reading time 3 minutes.

I saw my surgeon this morning for a follow up. She removed my drains and for this, I am so happy! But I hadn’t put a lot of thought into this process until the drive to the appointment. The nurse described it as a ‘weird sensation.’ Well, okay…. The doc said it wouldn’t hurt, that it would feel like a worm moving under my skin. Gross. I would say they both were right and so wrong. John wanted to film it. I almost wish he had because it was one of the most freakish things to happen to my body. Ever. And I’ve had 2 kids. 

First she snipped the stitches, this pinched a little. Then the main event. With a quick pull, I could feel a tube, much longer than I imagined was shoved inside of my chest, sliding in a circular motion out of my body. Then I felt weak. Most likely from being completely grossed out. I wanted to cry and puke. Then it was on to the right side. Same shit. Barf. I can’t find the words to describe exactly how it felt or looked. Maybe that’s why the nurse just said it was weird. 

She said my swelling looked normal and that I was healing well. I asked for reassurance- this looked “normal and well??” Yikes. I also asked if it would look better later or if this was my new normal. This is my new normal. 

Onto the pathology report. There were residual tumor cells in the right breast. This means I did not have a complete response to chemo but it’s still good. And they cut those remaining cells out. So, yay! 

Radiation is next. Depending on how I heal, this will begin about 4-5 weeks after surgery and the goal is to take care of any of those residual cells. I’ll be going daily, Monday- Friday, for 5 weeks. 

My right arm is still in the T Rex stage but I was given some exercises to begin ASAP to get me stretched. Those suckers hurt but I will lift my arm above my head again one day, damn it. 

Waiting…. for the worms to exit my chest 😳

Post Surgery 

.Reading time 4 minutes.

I just changed my clothes and got a sponge bath for the first time since Tuesday. Yeah, gross, I know, but whatever. It hurt and I’m not looking forward to the next time. I also just sneezed for the first time, while writing this. And that hurt like hell too. So… that’s what I’ve been up to. 

A quick overview of the last few days. We got to the hospital at 9am on Tuesday, March 21. They checked me in, had me hop into the gown and then hurry up and wait. At 11 am they sent me to Nuclear Medicine for an injection. Down there, they injected me with a blue dye that would travel to any lymph nodes with infected cells. It was a tiny shot in my right breast, I barely felt it. Then I was on my way back up to wait for my surgeon. 

When she arrived, we went over everything again and then it was time. The nurse and anesthesiologist prepped me to go back to the operating room about 2pm. They gave me some ‘happy juice’ and I felt good. The last things I remember- agreeing with the nurse that people do say John looks like Tom Cruz, talking to the nurses about how much I love 90’s music and me asking if they were going to play music during surgery. They asked for my requests…. Britney Spears- I’m a Slave 4 U….Then I lightly mumbled “This is it? You do it right here?” The space seemed cramped. Then BOOM, I was out. 

I woke up a little bummed because I had been dreaming I was in Hawaii. Next thing, I had major chills and the urge to puke. I don’t know if I puked there. But I know I puked at home. I don’t remember much from after surgery really. My brother, Jessica, and John have been filling me in a bit when I get confused. I do remember being told that my pee was going to be blue. They weren’t shitting me. Bright blue. Like I peed out a Smurf for the first day. 

I’ve settled in downstairs, have managed to get a few nights of pretty restful sleep, considering. My right arm pit is where most of the pain is but that’s not saying the rest of it is painless. Norco helps quite a bit but also makes me super loopy and I hate it. 

Now to the good stuff. The surgeon removed my port. She also removed 3 lymph nodes in my right arm pit along with both breasts. There were no traces of C in these nodes. Hell. Yes. We will get the full pathology report next week but as of now, I am pretty damn happy. 

Currently, I don’t feel like my breasts are gone. There’s so much gauze under the bandages so it looks like I’m a solid B cup. I have the option of taking the bandages off myself today or I can wait until I see my surgeon on Monday. I’ll probably wait, just looking at my drains makes nearly pass out. I’m not ready to see the wounds. Hopefully on Monday, the drains can be removed. They aren’t as bad as I imagined but they are uncomfortable and gross. I’m sore and itchy and ready to be healed already. 

Patience.