Six years ago I was terrified, not sure if I would live to see Harlon go into Kindergarten. Not even sure if I’d see Wyatt celebrate a birthday. It was go time from that first call and sometimes I look around and wonder if I have slowed down to catch my breath at all.
But that’s life. Or so they say. And a life is what I’m here for.
Tonight, I was explaining to the boys where we all were 6 years ago. Me and John at the dr’s, Wyatt growing in my belly, Harlon running around like a one-year-old wild man somewhere. He was somewhere… with someone… I’m sure of it. 🙈 It was all a bit of a blur, you know?
But it was kinda funny, neither of them remember a time where I was ‘sick’. They know I have scars and see pictures of me with no hair. They don’t question it, they just know it’s a part of our story. And I guess it’s good? Me… oh I know. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about some aspect of cancer. It has shaped who and where I am today. Every new ache and pain has the ability to send me into a complete downward spiral. I continue to face my mortality- especially when looking at expiration dates on my debit card or driver’s license wondering if I’ll be around to get the next one. But I also continue to find gratitude in the little things. I look at life through a lense I didn’t have access to before.
So here we are. Wyatt is starting kindergarten next week and Harlon is going into second grade. And with today being 6 years from my diagnosis, that means Wyatt’s 6th birthday is right around the corner. John and I continue to fly by the seat of our pants and maintain 5 star status as personal Uber drivers for these little humans of ours. Driving them from sport to sport and birthday party to birthday party…. So. Many. Birthday Parties….
Sometimes you look out the door and think “Damn, it’s a beautiful day.” And sometimes you look out the door and see a blood draw chair in the ER hallway and think that it seriously resembles the talking chair from Peewee and you begin to question everything.
Days like that, a general “What the fuck?!” is usually my first question. Next comes “Will I freak out over every ache and pain until my last day on this earth?” And specifically last week- “How will I pick up my kids if I’m in the ER for several more hours?” ” But really what the Fuck is this chest pain?” “Am I having a heart attack?” “I guess I’m in the best place to have a heart attack but really, is this what a heart attack feels like?” “Will this pain ever go away?” “Am I going to freak myself out to the point where I actually end up having a true heart attack?” and finally “Why is all my time-off from work spent in damn hospitals?”
Wait, what? I know- total word vomit. Let me backtrack a sec…
Last fall I was feeling really great- physically, emotionally, mentally and I told my doctor that I was ready to be weaned off of my anxiety/depression medication. I had been on it for about 4 years this round because, let’s be real- not my first depression med rodeo- but I felt confident that I was ready. So we very gradually weaned me and by Christmas time I was completely off. If you read a few posts back, we had a pretty chaotic holiday and by the time we got home, I still felt good so I thought “Yup, I made a good decision.”
But about 3 weeks into January, I felt myself slipping back into hopelessness. I was not ok and I knew it. So I asked my doctor to put me back on a low dose of my previous med. Shortly after starting up again though, I began to have consistent indigestion and a lingering feeling of something stuck in my throat and chest. Cue all consuming anxiety and fear because after C, indigestion isn’t just indigestion. It opens the mental flood gates to all possible awful things.
Could it all just be related to being back on the meds? We didn’t know, possibly. Indigestion and heartburn are listed as side effects… but was it likely since I’d spent the last 4 years on it without issues? Again, not sure. Was it stress? Who’s not stressed?! Was it C? Per my onc, she had very low suspicion but per me- it was time to freak the fuck out.
So between my oncologist and my primary care doctor- the tests began. I tried Prilosec first, no help. Then had blood tests and a barium swallow test which showed nothing. A couple of days later I ended up in the ER with what felt like either a pulmonary embolism (like I had while pregnant) or a heart attack. While there I had more blood work, an EKG, and chest X-rays all which showed nothing. And on the following Sunday I had a CT scan which I found out today was – THANKFULLY – clear as well.
But it all comes back to this, life after a C dx is confusing as fuck. I still don’t have an answer as to what’s causing my chest pressure, indigestion, throat issues but I did get to totally freak out about it possibly being a reoccurrence or metastasis for several weeks. I know- a solid freak out doesn’t help the situation and most likely stress and anxiety are to blame in the first place but it’s hard to maintain a clear head sometimes. Of course, I try to practice what I teach- affirmations, yoga, journaling, exercise, quiet time… but anxiety and fear are stubborn assholes, you know?
After all the tests, I am grateful for my health and clear scans even if there is not a clear reason as to why I feel this way. I am grateful for a medical team that takes my concerns seriously. And I am forever grateful for a partner who lifts me up when I feel I can’t go on during it all. In my gut, I believe that stress and anxiety are the root of my issues (but I’m a crazy person and needed to have medical tests performed to rule out the shit possibilities) so now it’s time, it’s time to take better care of me… for me.
The Soul Seeds // Affirmation Deck is officially live on Kickstarter! So what does this mean? Basically, this campaign will allow me to see how many people are truly interested in the work I’ve done. On the Kickstarter page, there are several ways for people to help support and fund the project and it’s also a way to “pre-order” the deck. Once the project gets fully backed, I will be able to send the cards to print and that’s where it gets super exciting! All these months of hard work, learning, starting over… and over, loss of sleep (to be real, I don’t really sleep anyways), will all be worth it!
NOTE: If you choose to support this project, you will not be charged until the the end of the Kickstarter campaign, only if the the goal is met.
So, now you might be asking- “Why Affirmations?”
Positive affirmations have had a great impact on my life over the last several years. And I’ve found that repeating positive phrases with intention and trust has ultimately helped get me out of some seriously shitty head space… losing my parents, a cancer diagnosis while pregnant, persistent anxiety… and most recently, preparing myself for a sudden appendectomy. It wasn’t an overnight success but speaking kindly and supportively to myself eventually became natural and comforting. {As it should be, right?!) And it turned out, all of these difficult moments became the inspiration for Soul Seeds // Affirmation Deck and created a tangible way to be able to share this inner magic with others.
Top Left: The Day Before Diagnosis, Top Right: Mid-Chemo Treatments, Bottom: Gang’s All Here
Initially, I tried to get someone else to create this deck. It didn’t cross my mind that I would be capable of learning Photoshop & Illustrator or get past the fear of being vulnerable enough to really put myself out there. But hell, here we are!
HOW I USE AFFIRMATIONS
I tend to write affirmations down that serve me in that moment (that moment being an hour, a day, a week, a month… whatever- you get it). I carry them around in my purse on sticky notes, create reminders on my phone which pop up at random times, scribble them in my planner, I repeat them in my head and often use them as intentions during my yoga practice. I also love offering affirmation cards at the beginning of each yoga class I teach to remind my students just how rad each individual truly is. Of course, there are no hard rules for positive self affirmations- only what works and feels right for you.
SO WHAT IS A POSITIVE AFFIRMATION?
Simply put, they are positive words, phrases, and statements that are used to challenge negative thoughts. They can motivate and boost low self-esteem or encourage an overall positive shift in your life. They can help to decrease stress and increase feelings of self worth. Affirmations are designed to alter the beliefs we have about ourselves so that we think more positively. Personally, I truly believe that our thoughts create our actions and our actions create our reality. Because, if we’re constantly inundating ourselves with negative thoughts, we will take negative actions (or lack of action)… thus creating our reality. So just imagine the beauty that can come about from speaking kindly to ourselves.
ABOUT THE DECK
52 Card Deck
90mm X 90mm Square Cards
400GSM {The Thickest Cardstock Offered}
Matte Lamination
Sturdy Two-Piece Storage Box
A FEW WAYS TO GET THE BEST OUT OF YOUR CARDS:
Feel It
Connection is key. You don’t want to just grab at any affirmation. Or jack your pal’s affirmation of choice if it doesn’t really speak to you. You feel me?
Say It As If It Already Is
The most important part of this practice- at least as I believe- is that your affirmations are worded in the present- as if they/you already ‘are’. For example, if you are wanting to channel inner strength, you would say “I am filled with strength and courage” instead of “I will be strong”.
Short and Sweet
Keep it short and to the point so that you’ll actually be able to remember and reference back to it.
Let It Happen
If you try to force it, you may resent it. Not just affirmations… but so many things in life. Let the practice of affirming become a natural and organic part of your day. Trusting in the process and repeating them daily will help to reprogram your mind in a positive manner.
Think Positive
Be specific to what you do want instead of what you don’t want. Our subconscious tends to skip words like not, don’t, won’t. An example of this would be “I radiate positivity” instead of “I won’t be a total bitchwad today”.
Trust
If you are pulling an affirmation card from a deck, close your eyes and take a couple of breaths. Trust that whichever card you pull is the card that is meant for you in that moment. If a card ‘jumps out at you’ trust that you are absolutely meant to have this card.
Breathe. Affirm. Repeat.
Give yourself a moment to quiet the mind and connect with your breath. Read or say your affirmation out loud, paying close attention to each word, how they resonate, observing any emotions or sensations that arise.
Above are only recommendations as to how you can work with your affirmations but the truly joyous part is that YOU get to choose what works best for you!
**This project would never have made it this far without the help of my friend Blaire. She believed in me from the very beginning (aka when I tried to convince her to make this deck) and continues to believe in me and guide me throughout this crazy creative process and project. Blaire- there are never going to be enough words for me to express my gratitude. Other than- bitches doindeed love nebulas.
***Fun Fact: The night I texted to Blaire that I thought she and another specific friend should make an affirmation deck, she immediately responded that her and said friend were actively working on an oracle deck- which turned out PHENOMENAL! You can check it out here: The Threads of Fate
Mama's Got This 