Today marks 3 years since I got the call confirming what I already knew… And what we all now know.

What I didn’t know at that time was- What would happen to the baby growing inside of me? What would my husband and 1 year old do if something happened to me? How would I choose to handle the news? And I definitely did not comprehend how dramatically my life and outlook on life would change.  

That call obviously shook my world and the world of my family and friends.  And I often wonder if baby Wyatt could feel it too.  But after speaking with my team of doctors, my first concern was addressed.  The baby in my belly would be perfect… and he is. Sometimes a perfect pain in the keister but still perfect.

And thankfully I am still here to witness the great father John is to our little humans. And I get to see Harlon growing up to be an amazing child. AND it turns out, I handled the diagnosis and what followed pretty OK.  Of course, I had and continue to have my shit days.  And my complete shit days.  And my “I’m never leaving my bed because life isn’t fair” shit days. But I try to keep a positive outlook as often as possible (while giving myself permission to throw the occasional pity party). And I remind myself that I get to choose if I walk around miserable and mean or if I want to choose to look at the positives and radiate joy.

This way of thinking is not for everyone, I get that.  And I have never tried to push my views on life onto anyone else.  I mean, we all get to walk our own paths.  But I remember reading a quote by another survivor right after I was diagnosed which said “Breast cancer can change you, but the change can be beautiful”.  I have tried to wholeheartedly embody that idea by looking for the beauty even when it seems to be pure shit surrounding me.

I know I don’t post very often about my story anymore.  But it’s not because I am “all better” or “over it”, but it’s because I am busy living this life I’ve been blessed with, spending my time with the people I love and who spark pure joy in my heart.  This disease has taught me what is important and what is not, where I want to focus my energy and where I can let go.  I am busy with my family, teaching yoga, supporting others who’ve been diagnosed, working on projects… all with the goal to leave the world better and more joyous than I found it and to be the light for others when the darkness tries to consume them.

Truthfully, anxiety still haunts me, as it always has.  And I’m not sure if I’ll ever get past the feeling of ‘running out of time’.  But life continues to be put into perspective and it’s nice to know we are all in this together…

So cheers to many, MANY, M A N Y more years to come!

Yoga for Cancer Recovery

I have loved yoga ever since… I stopped hating it.

OK that was dramatic but let’s be real, it’s not super inviting to head into a swanky studio for your first time with all those bendy bitches balancing on their heads… making yourself feel super self-conscious because you can barely touch your knees. At least, that is one of the most {highly paraphrased} reasons people tell me they don’t like yoga.

My yoga beginning was a little different. I started with a class at the Tracy Sports Club. It was me and my step-mom rolling around on the floor in somewhat of a “crack the egg” pose while elderly folks were ripping’ ’em all around us. Then I began to dabble again in high school PE {shout-out to Mrs. Hannigan!} It was cool. Slow but cool. But I just couldn’t focus. I was used to playing sports and slowly moving through poses and focusing on my breath was super rough for me. Then off to SDSU, practicing at the school gym and something clicked. I actually liked sitting with my own thoughts, focusing on my breath, and noticing the mental, emotional, physical benefits of yoga.

Fast forward to January of 2018. I was nearly done with active treatment. I was navigating a new body, a new normal- taking only very gentle yoga classes when I attended my first day of Yoga Teacher Training at Yoga Sol. Immediately I knew that I was right where I needed to be.

Top: Yoga Sol Grads
Bottom: Be Well Grads

The E X A C T same feeling came over me on my first day of Yoga For Cancer Recovery Teacher Training with Be Well. And if you have never fully been able to trust that you were making the right decisions at the right time, let me tell you- it fucking rocks. Not only did that training help me to feel seen and understood but it also lit a serious fire under my ass to start manifesting and working towards bringing Be Well to OC.

Gratitude fills me as I write this- both of these AMAZING programs are coming together beginning this September! My great friend Jenny Jensen, who completed Yoga Sol’s 200 hour and Be Well’s 55 hour training along side me, and I are officially going to be teaching Be Well inspired classes at Yoga Sol!

The Deets:

  • First class will be Monday, September 9th
  • Classes will be held each Monday from 4:30-5:30pm
  • Open to all C survivors no matter where you are in your journey or your yoga experience!
  • Donation based- We understand that a diagnosis often comes with serious financial burdens. Pay what you can!
  • Survivors can bring along a caregiver, supporter, cheerleader, partner, or pal!

Classes will integrate mindful yoga, deep relaxation, visualization, breathing techniques, and meditation – all in a compassionate and supportive environment and with your optimal well-being in mind.

We are all so excited to be able to offer this weekly class at the gorgeous Yoga Sol studio in Yorba Linda. If you feel like you or someone you know could benefit from attending, hit me up!

Fun Fact:

BOTH Yoga Sol & Be Well are offering trainings this fall!

Hope for Two

Hope for Two was the first organization I found while scouring the internet for people like me. They helped to ease my fears, made me realize that I was not alone, and have provided great support to me and many others. Here is their story.

What is your program all about and how did you find yourself involved?

Hope for Two was founded in the Fall of 1997 by three women who met and bonded over a shared experience – all three were diagnosed and treated for cancer while pregnant.

On December 1st, 1995, halfway through the pregnancy with her third child, Patty Murray, a founder and the current Board Chairwoman, was diagnosed with advanced stage Breast Cancer. Her excitement and anticipation were crushed. She was suddenly filled with fear and confusion, unsure of the options available to her – whether or not she could continue with the pregnancy or if she would be forced to terminate the pregnancy. She found that when she sought her doctors’ advice, they had very little experience to offer. On blind faith, Patty decided to continue the pregnancy while undergoing major surgery and chemotherapy.

The next year was filled with visits to the doctor for chemotherapy and check-ups: the obstetrician once a week, an ultrasound to check the health of the baby once a week, and the oncologist once or twice a week for chemotherapy. She was the bald pregnant lady at the obstetrician and the young woman with the big belly at the oncologist. She lived those months with the paralyzing fear that she had made a terrible decision – fear that her baby would be born with deformities, fear that her cancer would spread to her bones, and fear that this child, as well as her two older children, would be left without a mother. The treatments were so exhausting that Patty feared she would be unable to keep up her strength for the baby to survive.

The day before her lumpectomy, as she rubbed her small stomach with her baby inside, was spent writing her will instead of setting up the baby’s room. During this time of immense uncertainty and confusion, Patty was introduced to two women who had successfully undergone cancer treatments while pregnant – Mary Rose and Lisa. These women were able to provide the emotional support and understanding that Patty was unable to get anywhere else. These two women understood the dread, consternation and isolation she was experiencing. They helped to relieve the fear about the effects the treatment would have on her child. Their children were born healthy and were developing at a normal rate. At a time of constant uncertainty and apprehension, Mary Rose and Lisa offered a sense of stability and hope.

Patty’s son was born in March of 1996 and they were there for her the whole time. They remained in her life until the baby was born, but once Patty’s treatments ended (she went on to have five more months of chemotherapy after her son Patrick was born and then 5-1/2 weeks of radiation), in November of 1996, the woman fell out of touch and only called each other every few months. During the Summer of 1997, eight months after the completion of her treatments, Patty began to experience debilitating panic attacks. She met with a counselor who diagnosed her with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and after four sessions, encouraged her to go out and help others. Unbeknownst to her, during the time the three cancer survivors were out of touch, Mary Rose had written a short paragraph that would be a sidebar to a major article in Redbook Magazine, May 1997, about her experience with pregnancy and cancer. In response to the article, Redbook received 12 letters from women across the country who also battled cancer while pregnant. When the three women finally met face to face in September of 1997, Mary Rose showed them the article and the responses. Patty, Mary Rose, and Lisa recognized that there were women who needed a support network similar to what they had for each other. They felt strongly that they could be that support. Patty spent the next few weeks investigating the possible existence of national or international groups that already filled the need; but upon finding nothing, they decided to incorporate. They paid the filing fees themselves and in October of 1997 the Pregnant with Cancer Support Group Inc. was born! A newsletter was written and the three of them recruited the women who responded to Mary Rose’s article, together becoming the first group of Volunteer Support Women. Their mission has always been dedicated to providing women diagnosed with cancer while pregnant with information, support and hope – all the things that the founding members were seeking when they were first diagnosed.

What populations and areas do you serve?

The guiding principles of the organization are to serve women in all socioeconomic, ethnic and religious backgrounds world-wide; remove barriers to women obtaining complete and accurate information about their options for dealing with cancer while pregnant; and to respect and support every woman’s personal decisions without judgment. We have trained over 445 Volunteer Support Women from all over the world representing 32 countries including Australia, Canada, the United Kingdom, Switzerland, Jordan, Russia, South Africa, India, Malaysia, Venezuela and Singapore. To date, we have counseled over 1200 women. The website has more than 1000 unique visitors each month providing countless others with the information, hope and resources they need.

Of the women receiving support, 70% have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer with 33 types of cancer represented. Women find it important to speak with another woman who has had the same type of cancer and stage; Hope for Two provides that support.

Tell us more!

Our mission has always been dedicated to providing women diagnosed with cancer while pregnant with information, support and hope – all the things that the founding members were seeking when they were first diagnosed. Our vision continues to be to offer resources and peer-to-peer counseling to all pregnant women diagnosed with cancer. From conception until 2004, the organization operated with only a working board, no employees, with the mainstay to the support network made up of volunteers – women who survived cancer while pregnant. Today, 20 years later, Hope for Two now has a Board of Directors consisting of eleven members including a licensed social worker who is a Cancer Counselor and one cancer survivor. Additionally, the organization has enlisted the assistance of a volunteer Advisory Board, including Dr. Elyce Cardonick from Philadelphia who is currently conducting a study on the affects of cancer treatment on babies and the survival rates of the women treated as compared to non-pregnant women. Dr. Cardonick acts as a liaison between newly diagnosed patients, their obstetrician and their oncologist to ensure that all those involved in the case have access to the best information for treatment and scans – the same information Patty desperately needed when she was diagnosed.

Do you have a favorite quote, mantra, phrase, or curse word?

“Everything happens for a reason…including cancer…because without it I would have never been able to have started this organization.” Patty Murray

How can we help?

Hope For Two operates entirely off of donations. The organization has three part-time staff, each working approximately 5-10 hours per week; and Patty Murray currently volunteers as the acting Executive Director. Donations are needed to fund the services that this organization provides to women in need. In addition, we are able to reach a great deal of women each year through word of mouth. If you or someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer while pregnant, we ask that you reach out to Hope For Two. We provide peer-to-peer counseling, as well as medical information and the assurance that countless women have gone through pregnancy and cancer, and then went on to live happy and healthy lives.

How can we contact your program?

Hope For Two is active on both Facebook and Instagram. Please like our page and share our posts, as these platforms have allowed us to reach a much larger number of women. Our website offers a plethora of materials, including medical articles, past testimonials from patients, and the option to get support. You can find our website here at: http://www.hopefortwo.org/ If you have any questions about Hope For Two, you can contact us through Facebook or our email at info@hopefortwo.org

Patty and her Chemo Baby Patrick