I had an extra pep in my step when leaving Kaiser yesterday after my blood draw. I was feeling good. Pumped to get this last chemo over and done. The phlebotomist commented on how my veins had obviously been poked too many times and I laughed. She wasn’t wrong. I told her that this would be my last blood draw for a while if all looked good since I was going to be having my final chemo. She cheered for me. I was feeling great. Even though last week I had told John I wanted to call my oncologist and have chemo postponed because I felt so terrible. I was finally feeling good again. But my blood didn’t feel the same way.  Turns out, my white blood cell counts AND platelets are the lowest they have ever been. This does explain why I have been bruising so easily lately and the lingering fatigue. So as of now, my final chemo will be next week as long as the blood draw shows tons of improvement. 

And when I say I’m feeling great, it’s all in context. I still have fatigue. My finger nails are turning black and my nail beds are super sore. Also, I’m beginning to feel the first signs of neuropathy in my big toes and second toes- an uncomfortable tingling sensation. But overall, I’m feeling great. And ready to kick some ass…. at a later date I guess. 

I have mixed feelings again about postponing chemo. Obviously I want to stay on track but I also don’t want to push my body too far. I am so ready for this all to be a thing of the past. Something I joke about later on. Like, “Hey, remember that one time I had cancer? That was crazy, huh?” I want to feel carefree and plan things for my future without any hesitation. I don’t want to be guarded anymore. I want to feel somewhat normal. If that’s possible. I’d like to believe that it is. 

Normal.

Last Saturday I had my mastectomy camisole fitting at Nordstrom. Not a super normal thing. Anyway…I totally appreciate the ladies who helped me out- extremely sweet, supportive and positive. (After my surgery, I’ll have another fitting for bras and prosthetics with them) Sterling-fantastic name, right?!- took me to this special dressing room area in the Home section. It seemed like a weird place to be. But once in there, I realized it’s probably where women go to try on special dresses like, maybe, wedding gowns. Or some other big ‘life moment’ garments. I only say this because there was this platform area and comfy chairs arranged all around where I imagine lots of smiles and happy tears happen . I strolled past the platform into a large changing room for my own big ‘life moment’.  

There were smiles in our room- but because that’s how I deal with uncomfortable situations. I make awkward jokes and laugh through the weirdness. No tears were shed thankfully. Although the appointment made it all start to feel so real. 

After my fitting, I took a quick walk around the mall because…no kids. I paid close attention to all of the outfits in the windows, wondering what will look good on my new body after surgery. Will anything look good? What will I feel like with a part of me physically missing? 

I need to prepare myself with all of the scenarios and then move on. Because I can’t control any of that. And I need to get back to living in the present, something that’s been difficult lately. So that’s what I will be working on this week. Patience, positivity, and the present.