So I’ve joined these clubs over the years. Not clubs that I ever wanted to join but-shit happens. First it was the “my mom died” club. Then it was the “my dad died” club which automatically entered me into the “Yes, both of my parents have died” club. My fellow members of these clubs are pretty hard to spot with the plain eye. Usually a few drinks and some deep conversations bring those memberships up. But my newest club members, I see you. And you see me. At least- us baldies. And so much gets said with that small smile and occasional wave. It’s different than the smile with the fellow stressed out mom at Target. Remember her? (I guess that’s another club I am a part of.) This smile is so much more than “I feel for you”. It’s like- “Girl, this fucking sucks but we are here together so let’s kick the shit out of it.” Of course, I extend this smile to all of my fellow fighters- hat wearers, wig wearers, scarf wearers, etc. We’re in this together, I just may not recognize you right away.
So lately, being present is something I have been working on. Usually, I’d be listening to Christmas music by now. Itching to decorate. But for the first time that I can remember, I don’t have the urge. Not that I am not excited for the holidays because, get real, it’s the most wonderful time. But because I am finally starting to live in the moment. I am enjoying each day that I have and not looking too far ahead. And that’s weird because I am such a planner. If this situation has taught me anything, it’s that you can’t plan it all out. Sometimes you just have to roll with it and take it as you go. Typically, I have spent so much time in the past or the future, rather than in the present moment. What I end up doing is passing through the present on the way to somewhere else and, in doing so, miss the moment.
The only time I know for sure that I was in the present was at my wedding. I didn’t want to let a second of that be wasted. So I made sure I was present. I literally took a step back from the crowd and just was. I am so grateful for that because it was such a special day with the most special people in my life. I took a few deep breaths and thought of nothing else but what was happening right then. On the dance floor, I wasn’t thinking of anything else but cutting a rug. And most importantly at the ceremony, I tried to put my nerves aside and only be there with John, the whole reason we were having a ceremony.
Now, I’m not perfect. And of course I have running lists of shit I need to do in my head. But overall, I feel like I’m making decent progress. I have “present” moments. And those are what keep me feeling good. Yoga helps.
Chemo updates- Lately my scalp has been hurting, it’s a prickly feeling. The nurses said it’s because the fast growing cells are dying causing the hair to fall out. Laying my head on a pillow is pretty miserable. Hoping this passes soon because I could definitely use a good sleep. I currently have the hairdo of my Great Grandpa Pete. Sparse. 😜
My platelets were low this week which could lead to bleeding and bruising issues. If they go lower next week, I may have to delay treatment until they go back up. Crossing my fingers that doesn’t happen. I will be getting the shots for my white blood count indefinitely.
Today is my fifth chemo treatment and still feeling fierce. I am PRESENTLY loving you all. Thank you guys for the continued support, prayers, and good vibes. 😘
***For those looking to come over and help, I am thinking I will be needing you in the new year when I start the new chemo cocktail- Adriamycin and Cytoxin. I hear the side effects are more intense.
**** My shirt says Making Magic Happen because… YOU KNOW! 😉