The people being my kids. As I write this, I am sitting and waiting. Waiting for the radiation I’ve just been injected with, to work its way through my body so that I can have a bone scan later tonight. I don’t remember if I wrote about an ultrasound on my left leg about a week and a half back. I’d been having pain and the doc wanted to see if it was a blood clot. It was not. So now I’m here. This is the same scan I had before, where I can’t be around the kids for about 3ish days. Depending on which doc you talk to. Good luck John. May the odds be ever in your favor.
I’ve been hesitant to tell you all about the scan, I guess I was scared and overwhelmed. Scanxiety- I’ve heard it called. But then I thought about when I found out I was pregnant both times. We told people pretty immediately. Mostly because I was non-stop vomiting and didn’t want people to think I was contagious. I totally understand that it’s a personal preference to share such special stuff, but for me- the people we told were also the ones we would need comfort and love from- no matter how things turned out. Feel me?
I honestly think that this bone scan will not show anything bad. But if I’ve learned anything this last week, it’s that Team Filloon is powerful as f*@$ and why not have that power behind me with this? I mean, my burns are way better and I am healing at a quick pace so thank you all for that. Also, with less pain, I’m much less of a bitchwad. John thanks you for that. So please send whatever good vibes, prayers, good juju, love, and healing light you have this way.
Since being diagnosed, I haven’t really felt the need to attend a meeting face-to-face with other survivors. But recently I started to feel down in the dumps and I thought it was time. On Tuesday night I was able to meet with a group of amazing women who were diagnosed at 40 or under. Honestly, I don’t remember how and when I found the group but an email popped up in my inbox this week letting me know that a meeting was happening and was like ‘cool’. This group of women really made me feel comfortable, they were able to understand my thoughts and feelings of what I’ve been through, what I’m going through and what I may feel in the future. The meeting was filled with laughter, honesty, support, and lots of naughty jokes- obviously my favorite part.
The adrenaline I’ve been running on since my diagnosis has started to dwindle and maybe this was the next step I needed to take. Or maybe that’s the radiation fatigue. Who knows what’s what anymore? Anyway, one of the women there said that as soon as treatment is over, you really start to heal- not just physically but more importantly mentally. She’s so right. I left that meeting feeling super charged and re-energized. Ready to live a hell yes life.
Well maybe not like 100% better…. Since majority of the fried radiated skin had sloughed off and I felt a bit better, I thought I could try and go to yoga Wednesday morning. Holy crap guys- I experienced a first. I’ll start with this, my intention for my yoga practice that morning was ‘chill out’. Feel free to laugh after you read this part. About 20 minutes into class, I had a panic attack. You’d think a yoga class would be the best place to have a panic attack. A safe space, yeah? But no place is safe when you have a ‘moment’. If you are unfamiliar with panic attacks, I’ll walk you through this particular one. My brain was flipping through thoughts so quickly it was like someone spastically clicking through the TV channels. We were flowing through poses and I began to think:
“I can’t breathe. Why can’t I breathe? I think I might puke. Should I leave class? I can’t leave, I’ll make too much noise. But I’m not ok. Yeah, I’m gonna puke. No, I’m going to shit myself. No, no, puke- I’m going to puke. Oh man, if I shit myself, I can never come back here. But I like this place. I can’t breathe. I can’t close my eyes. I need to leave. My heart is pounding, I wonder if the lady next to me can hear it. I need to go. Fuck. Oh man, I’m going to pass out. Is it still considered passing out if I’m already laying down? Or is that just sleeping ? Why is the clock going so slow? Do people realize I’m freaking out? Should I hide in the bathroom until the class is over? How will I know when the class is over? Uggghhhhhhhhhh……”
I hauled my ass out of the studio as soon as namaste barely made it out of my mouth. I had to sit in my car with the AC blowing in my face for about 10 minutes before I could drive home. And I don’t know about your panic attacks but mine don’t just stop, they linger. So that made for a fun day. Looking back now, I can laugh at it all. But in the moment, it was not cool. Ugh, chill out Jess.
But let me end on a happier note. Have you seen Trolls? Have you heard Princess Poppy’s song? She’s played by Anna Kendrick and I totally love her. I think we’d be friends in real life. Anna, not the troll. Well maybe the troll too, minus all the hugs. Anyways, it’s been a fan fav in our house since it came out on Netflix, so much so, that we rock out to the soundtrack in the car. A lot. And I realized that Princess Poppy’s song ‘Get Back Up Again’ is exactly me when I got diagnosed. And I want to, nope- NEED to get that attitude back. And I’m working on it.
Watch the movie. It’s cute. Google the song so we can sing it together.