Last week, I had realized that the day was approaching but it then slipped my mind. So today when my cousin wished me a ‘happy anniversary‘ I was baffled. I jumped on my Timehop to see just what I was celebrating. Well, shit- it’s been 1 whole year since my double mastectomy. One year, officially breastless. One year, flat and fabulous.
But I’ll be real, I didn’t feel too fabulous for quite a while. The pain from surgery was terrible. Not being able to hold my children for 6 weeks was worse. And trying on ‘regular’ clothes to go out in public for the first time was heartbreaking. My aunt can vouch for that emotional afternoon when I cried hysterically because the reality of what had happened to my body finally hit me. In fact, I was so disturbed by how I looked and felt that I almost cancelled plans John and I had for the evening. I tried on a million different tops, modeling each one along with different bras and prosthetics. I ended up settling with wearing my prosthetics that day even though they made me feel like a fraud. That was the first of 5 times I’ve worn prosthetics.
A year later, I am more confident with my body than I ever have been. I have my days where clothes just don’t look right. But I don’t cry about it anymore. I just try something else until I feel all good. It also helps that I have an amazing husband who reminds me that I am beautiful no matter what. That I should own being flat. And that I shouldn’t care what other people think. He has kept me strong (and sane) through some of the toughest times and I can’t thank him enough. If you know me well, you know I don’t need his approval but I do truly appreciate it. ❤️
I try to focus on the positives that come with not having the girls around anymore. The biggest positive- not having to come home and immediately rip a bra off! I can focus solely on ripping my work pants off and hopping into something that doesn’t have a zipper or buttons. Just over here, living the dream. 😜
I’m actually looking forward to getting back to running once my feet heal completely. I think that running flat will feel so much better than having two post baby boobs flapping in every direction with each step. How’s that for a visual?
Occasionally, I still get people trying to convince me that I’ll change my mind and get reconstruction- this includes people in the medical profession- all based on the fact that I’m young. As of right now, I don’t plan on having another surgery. Things feel right the way they are. I was actually just talking with John the other night about how I am thankful that my plastic surgeon said I was not a candidate for immediate reconstruction. He had told me IF, after a year, I wanted to revisit the conversation, he would gladly do so.
If. Not when. I heart that man.
Now, in case you were wondering, I did not qualify for the study I talked about in the last post. But it’s all good. I believe it wasn’t meant to be but it’s great knowing that this study is being conducted. Hopefully it will open doors down the line for triple negative peeps. Research. Research. Research!!!
I don’t know what’s next, possibly the aspirin trial. I know that my onc and I discussed other options if I didn’t qualify for the study but I can’t remember what the heck those were… I still have chemo brain residual- so I got that going for me. Once I remember, I’ll pass that info along.
2 thoughts on “Happy Anniversary!”
From your words, I can feel you shine. You are amazing.
I find you wonderfully human and authentic. That is a rarity, in my opinion, and they are refreshing and desirable qualities in people. I feel blessed I get to read your words and learn from your experiences.
I love you Jess! Please exchange hugs and love with John, Harlon and Wyatt.
Hugs and love, Beana
Davina Fankhauser (Mobile) 857-636-8674
From: Mama’s Got This Reply-To: Mama’s Got This Date: Thursday, March 22, 2018 at 1:42 AM To: Davina Fankhauser Subject: [New post] Happy Anniversary!
WordPress.com jessicafilloon posted: “Last week, I had realized that the day was approaching but it then slipped my mind. So today when my cousin wished me a happy anniversary I was baffled. I jumped on my Timehop to see just what I was celebrating. Well, shit- it¹s been 1 whole year since”
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You’re incredible. ❤️
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