Tonight was. Straight. Up. Magical.

I attended an outdoor yoga class under the full moon and I have never felt so connected to myself and my practice. It could have been so easy, as soon as those raindrops smacked my windshield on the drive over, to say nope. Turn around and head home, where I could be comfy cozy and warm. But I was so pumped to go to this class so I kept on truckin’.

Each rain drop that hit my mat sounded like a tiny drum. The palms rustling in the breeze were so calming. Birds whistling away, topped it off. Shit, people pay good money for sound machines to mimic these noises!

I never actually saw the moon through the clouds- but I didn’t have to.

It all reminded me of one of my favorite quotes- which again, I always screw up but goes something like this, “you can’t control what happens to you, you can only control how you react”. So I lifted my face to the sky.

What I also found really great, not one person complained. No one rolled up their mat and said “screw this, I’m out.” And when class was over, everyone seemed truly happy. It. Was. Magical.

But don’t get me wrong- because , for some reason, I feel like I always need to clarify- I’m not always this happy, positive person who can sit in the rain for an hour and smile. Oh, no. But I try to see the good in all. I try and choose joy as often as possible.

Sometimes, things are crap. Sometimes, a lot of things are crap all at once. Super crap. And in those times, it’s so damn hard to see anything but the shit storm in front of you, let alone joy. I get that. And I don’t have an answer as to how and make the storm any easier. Any gentler. Any less shitty. I guess you have to power through and trust that you’ll come out the other end… covered in crap.

Annnnd, transition….. So many people have asked me about the Survivor Day at Kaiser this June. Here’s all the info I have:

It will be June 2nd at the Kaiser Hospital in Anaheim on La Palma- by the fountain. The event will start at 10 am and speakers will begin at 11. There will be four of us, each with a 10 minute time slot. I still don’t know what I’m going to talk about….. I’m thinking I’ll just wing it and hope that I don’t drop any F bombs 😬

The view from my mat 💜

Last week, I had realized that the day was approaching but it then slipped my mind. So today when my cousin wished me a ‘happy anniversary‘ I was baffled. I jumped on my Timehop to see just what I was celebrating. Well, shit- it’s been 1 whole year since my double mastectomy. One year, officially breastless. One year, flat and fabulous.

But I’ll be real, I didn’t feel too fabulous for quite a while. The pain from surgery was terrible. Not being able to hold my children for 6 weeks was worse. And trying on ‘regular’ clothes to go out in public for the first time was heartbreaking. My aunt can vouch for that emotional afternoon when I cried hysterically because the reality of what had happened to my body finally hit me. In fact, I was so disturbed by how I looked and felt that I almost cancelled plans John and I had for the evening. I tried on a million different tops, modeling each one along with different bras and prosthetics. I ended up settling with wearing my prosthetics that day even though they made me feel like a fraud. That was the first of 5 times I’ve worn prosthetics.

A year later, I am more confident with my body than I ever have been. I have my days where clothes just don’t look right. But I don’t cry about it anymore. I just try something else until I feel all good. It also helps that I have an amazing husband who reminds me that I am beautiful no matter what. That I should own being flat. And that I shouldn’t care what other people think. He has kept me strong (and sane) through some of the toughest times and I can’t thank him enough. If you know me well, you know I don’t need his approval but I do truly appreciate it. ❤️

I try to focus on the positives that come with not having the girls around anymore. The biggest positive- not having to come home and immediately rip a bra off! I can focus solely on ripping my work pants off and hopping into something that doesn’t have a zipper or buttons. Just over here, living the dream. 😜

I’m actually looking forward to getting back to running once my feet heal completely. I think that running flat will feel so much better than having two post baby boobs flapping in every direction with each step. How’s that for a visual?

Occasionally, I still get people trying to convince me that I’ll change my mind and get reconstruction- this includes people in the medical profession- all based on the fact that I’m young. As of right now, I don’t plan on having another surgery. Things feel right the way they are. I was actually just talking with John the other night about how I am thankful that my plastic surgeon said I was not a candidate for immediate reconstruction. He had told me IF, after a year, I wanted to revisit the conversation, he would gladly do so.

If. Not when. I heart that man.

Now, in case you were wondering, I did not qualify for the study I talked about in the last post. But it’s all good. I believe it wasn’t meant to be but it’s great knowing that this study is being conducted. Hopefully it will open doors down the line for triple negative peeps. Research. Research. Research!!!

I don’t know what’s next, possibly the aspirin trial. I know that my onc and I discussed other options if I didn’t qualify for the study but I can’t remember what the heck those were… I still have chemo brain residual- so I got that going for me. Once I remember, I’ll pass that info along.

Happy anniversary!