Xeloda- Cycle 7

January 26, 2018.Reading time 4 minutes.

This morning, I had a follow up appointment with my oncologist- to check in and see how I am handling the Xeloda. And honestly, I feel fine on it. I feel so fine that I asked my onc if I should continue on Xeloda for longer than originally planned and she reminded me it’s still a chemo and that I need to remember it’s still taking a toll on my body. I have gotten so used to my skin peeling and being super dry, it just feels normal. I no longer have the severe pain in my hands and feet so I guess I appreciate only having un-fricken-believably dry skin.

I’m currently in the middle of cycle 7 and will be done after the 8th cycle. What’s next? Yeah, I had the same question. Although, I ‘think’ I sounded a little less dramatic than what plays over in my head. Well, next- my oncologist is looking into a low dose aspirin trial. Studies are being conducted to see if low dose aspirin can help prevent metastasis and reoccurrence. The study calls for post menopausal women- me, who were diagnosed with stage 2 or 3 bc- also me. The only thing that could prevent me from participating in the trial is that since I did chemo first and then surgery, I went from stage 3 to stage 1 (because of the residual tumor cells found at surgery). I will have more information on this when I see her in February, towards the end of my final cycle of Xeloda.

Yoga teacher training has been amazing. Our group has this strong, rad energy and our teachers are so inspiring and knowledgeable, I’m proud of the education I’m receiving from such a fantastic studio. We are only about a month in but I can already tell, this group of gals will remain an important part of my life.

The only bummer about teacher training is not seeing John and the kids as much. Mom guilt is real and it’s a bitch. With work, training, additional asana classes, and studying… I feel like I’m missing out. The other night, Harlon told me that they went to Target without me. Man, I don’t even know if they actually went but it got to me. It’s only Target, I get that. But you understand me, yeh? But don’t you worry, I took the boys to Target today. Gotta stock up on those Uncrustables and Chicken Dino’s, obvi.

And this is my friend- Amanda. A fellow KACM. Who I actually got to squeeze in real life here in Orange County last weekend. I won’t lie though- on my way to meet her, part of me felt like I was on MTV’s Catfish and she was going to be some creeper from the inter webs. Thankfully, she’s just what I hoped for- a sassy and super witty buddy fo’ life.

Not much else to report- which isn’t always a bad thing. 🤗

New Year, Same Me 😉

January 2, 2018.Reading time 2 minutes.

Let’s be real, 2017 was a total mind fuck for so many of us, am I right? I mean, the highs were super high but the lows…. shit, man- the lows were so low. That’s how life plays out though, I guess. With my diagnosis in particular, there’s still continued comfort in knowing that I’m not alone. There’s anger in knowing that I’m not alone. All while sometimes feeling so alone. But like I said, life, overall, has its ups and downs- for all of us. So I’m trying to remind myself often of something a friend recently said- “Worrying is borrowing trouble from the future.” Just another reminder to try and be more present.

I’m presently really excited to go into the new year with my yoga teacher training program through Yoga Sol. Tomorrow is my first meeting and I am suuuuuuper pumped. Like little kid at Christmas pumped. Like fist pumping pumped. Like that kid on the Disney commercial from like 20 years ago pumped. You get it. I’ll be attending classes every Wednesday evening, all day Saturdays and some Fridays- through the end of March and- have I mentioned- I’m pretty pumped about it.

Treatment wise, I’m back on that X. My side effects remain tolerable. A couple of minor mouth sores, dry skin, and a gnarly split between my right pinky toe and foot. Again though, all tolerable. So most likely, when I see my oncologist later this month, I’ll continue with 2 more cycles. Which I am very cool with.

For those of you wondering, we have officially moved into our new home (about 7 minutes down the road) and are almost completely unpacked. We are digging the new place- even if Harlon says he sees bunnies hopping upstairs from room to room 😳. Feel free to message me for the new address. Maybe, you too, can come over and visit the bunnies.

Here’s wishing everyone a HEALTHY and HAPPY 2018.

Dr. Google is a Jerk

December 18, 2017.Reading time 4 minutes.

I saw my oncologist last week, a few days earlier than scheduled so that she could take a look at a mouth sore that just would not go away. And thanks to Dr. Google, I was sure it was something reeeeeeal bad so I was freaking out. But you know what? Screw Dr. Google, and yay for my oncologist. It was, in fact, a stupid mouth sore that never had the chance to heal because of the Xeloda. So we agreed that I would take an additional week off so that my mouth could catch a break. She also prescribed me some dental paste that has worked wonders! So, instead of starting back up this Wednesday, I’ll be beginning Xeloda again December 27th.

My onc is like…

Also, a quick update on some stuff I’ve been processing-

I’ve always felt that my parents speak to me through music. Lately, my dad has been popping up all over the radio. The other day, no matter what station I was on, it was a song that reminded me of him. Jimmy Eat World- The Middle, Bon Jovi- Living On a Prayer, Elvis- Silver Bells… and it continued. Each song, with its own special memories and not even necessarily songs he enjoyed- just ones that made me think of him. Then yesterday, while on a walk with John and the boys, the song that my dad walked me down the aisle to, came on. Fleetwood Mac- Songbird. And then I remembered we were approaching the anniversary of his passing.

Four years ago… but it feels like yesterday. Which explains the uneasy feelings I’ve had lately. To say I miss him… doesn’t even come close to how I really feel.

This and the recent loss of an amazing mama, has sent me into a funk. A bit of a numb funk. Then today, while driving home, I thought about how I’d written a post several months ago. After the KACM Vegas trip, I left feeling like pieces of my heart were spread out all over the world with those mamas. It wasn’t meant to be a sad thing, instead this amazing feeling of my love spanning a huge distance. But when I actually visualized my heart, I saw holes- like pieces of my heart were gone- for good reason though, just a weird way to see it.

So today, while another dad song popped up on the radio, not one he liked but one that I heard shortly after I got the call- Carrie Underwood- See You Again, I made the decision to change how I viewed my heart while still maintaining the same feeling. I’ve decided to visualize that my heart has grown so much (kinda like the Grinch, you know?) and I now carry all of these people in my heart every day- with me. Especially those who we’ve lost.

I can’t get rid of the pain but I can choose to focus on the love.

Because- remember that saying that I always screw up but you get the idea… ‘you can’t change what has happened, only how you react.’ 💜