I’ve let too much time pass in between posts and now my thoughts are so scattered, so try and hang in there and follow, k?
I’d teetered on boobless tears for a while after surgery. It’s whenever I try on my old clothes or when I try on something at a store that I’m pretty sure will look good and it does not. Well, a couple of weeks ago, it hit me hard and the tears came rushing when I was trying to find something to wear for an outing. I felt so silly for crying. I mean, I should be happy because I’m over here alive, kicking ass and taking names. Yet, my lack of boobs has some stupid power over me. I ate a butt load of Reese’s Peanut Butter eggs to make me feel better that night. I know, refined sugar. But COME ON! I guess I’m not as strong as I often portray. But that’s ok. No one is strong all of the time. I get that.
What really brought on those tears? That night, I tried on the camisole I got from Kaiser with the “kitties”. I was still in so much pain at that point and wearing the tank was a constant and uncomfortable reminder of how royally fucked up this all is. And I couldn’t hold them back any longer.
Once I pulled it together, I tried again. My next outfit test was with Knitted Knockers in a t-shirt bra. It was way more comfortable and looked pretty natural. But I knew it wasn’t me. I felt like a fraud. I wore them anyways and even forgot about them a few times. I think I have only worn them twice since. I feel so confident in my shorts and t-shirts or my yoga pants and tanks. But as soon as I try to look less casual, I feel super vulnerable. It’s all just so silly.
Even with the tears, people often tell me that I am strong and that they “don’t think they could do it”. But really, when faced with with it, and without many other options, anyone one can find their true strength. Especially with the kind of support I’m surrounded with. Though, I have realized lately how lucky I am to have only positive support. I hear many stories of peoples’ friends or family being difficult, unsupportive, and overall assholes. Thanks guys, for not being assholes. I truly appreciate it.
I saw my oncologist on Tuesday for a follow up. She said she was thrilled with my response to chemo. It made me feel so great to hear her say that, since I had been a little bummed that I didn’t have a complete response. Tuesday also marked the first time, since being diagnosed, that I saw a random pregnant woman at Kaiser and not felt a twinge of anger and envy. I’ve finally let that shit go and it feels good.
Today was my first day back at yoga since surgery and it felt amazing. I still have work to do with my range of motion but it was all good! I also got my first haircut since losing it all. I went to the barber for a clean up because, yup, that stuff is growing in real nice. 😉
Physically, I am feeling so much better. The pain is so minimal and I can do most of the stuff I could before. Mentally, I am feeling outrageously positive and ready to take on my new normal. Each morning when my eyes pop open, I am grateful for another day because we all know- another one is not guaranteed. Let us never forget it.
A few fun facts about being flat:
I am able to hug those I love so much closer. No boob sweat. No bra, duh. No scrambling to put a bra on when someone comes to the house. No massage chair shimmy for all to see when getting a pedicure. No potential nip slip when yoga gets a little crazy. I feel lighter and like I could run really fast…. zooooom! 🏃🏻♀️
2 thoughts on “Exit From the Anger Zone ”
Oh, Jess. It is so wonderful to see another post from you. We are so happy to see that you are recovering with such a positive attitude!! You are so strong and beautiful and we are so proud of you and your heartfelt blogs. Thank you for staying so strong and sharing with all of us!! Hugs from Carol and Gene
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I’m sending the hugest HUG! You truly are a bright light! Keep writing- keep sharing-you are an amazingly strong and courageous woman. We love you! 💗💗💗. Btw, love the pics- your smile is infectious! 😊
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