Dr. Google is a Jerk

I saw my oncologist last week, a few days earlier than scheduled so that she could take a look at a mouth sore that just would not go away. And thanks to Dr. Google, I was sure it was something reeeeeeal bad so I was freaking out. But you know what? Screw Dr. Google, and yay for my oncologist. It was, in fact, a stupid mouth sore that never had the chance to heal because of the Xeloda. So we agreed that I would take an additional week off so that my mouth could catch a break. She also prescribed me some dental paste that has worked wonders! So, instead of starting back up this Wednesday, I’ll be beginning Xeloda again December 27th.

My onc is like…

Also, a quick update on some stuff I’ve been processing-

I’ve always felt that my parents speak to me through music. Lately, my dad has been popping up all over the radio. The other day, no matter what station I was on, it was a song that reminded me of him. Jimmy Eat World- The Middle, Bon Jovi- Living On a Prayer, Elvis- Silver Bells… and it continued. Each song, with its own special memories and not even necessarily songs he enjoyed- just ones that made me think of him. Then yesterday, while on a walk with John and the boys, the song that my dad walked me down the aisle to, came on. Fleetwood Mac- Songbird. And then I remembered we were approaching the anniversary of his passing.

Four years ago… but it feels like yesterday. Which explains the uneasy feelings I’ve had lately. To say I miss him… doesn’t even come close to how I really feel.

This and the recent loss of an amazing mama, has sent me into a funk. A bit of a numb funk. Then today, while driving home, I thought about how I’d written a post several months ago. After the KACM Vegas trip, I left feeling like pieces of my heart were spread out all over the world with those mamas. It wasn’t meant to be a sad thing, instead this amazing feeling of my love spanning a huge distance. But when I actually visualized my heart, I saw holes- like pieces of my heart were gone- for good reason though, just a weird way to see it.

So today, while another dad song popped up on the radio, not one he liked but one that I heard shortly after I got the call- Carrie Underwood- See You Again, I made the decision to change how I viewed my heart while still maintaining the same feeling. I’ve decided to visualize that my heart has grown so much (kinda like the Grinch, you know?) and I now carry all of these people in my heart every day- with me. Especially those who we’ve lost.

I can’t get rid of the pain but I can choose to focus on the love.

Because- remember that saying that I always screw up but you get the idea… ‘you can’t change what has happened, only how you react.’ 💜