Author: jessicafilloon

5th Cycle Complete

.Reading time 7 minutes.

I’ve just popped the last pills of my 5th cycle of Xeloda. My side effects continue to ebb and flow but remain manageable. Mostly, I’m still dealing with the hand and foot pain. And a stupid mouth sore that will just not go away- which I’m getting checked out today. Oh, and some serious insomnia- but I don’t know if that’s from the hysterectomy or the Xeloda. Or life.

It’s crazy to think that it’s already mid December. And that we will be moving homes in a couple of weeks- yup, we found a new place about 10 minutes from where we currently are. Our move-in date is December 29th and I’m really excited. It almost feels like a fresh start from such a crazy couple of years.

Being that it’s December, I’ve been listening to a lot of Christmas music. Shit, I’ve been listening to it since November, let’s be real here. I love the holiday season. I love the music, the decorations, the joyous spirit of it all. I continue to love it even though it has a history of being filled with loss and heartache over the years. Having to take our dad off of life support on Christmas and having my mom enter the hospital Christmas Day only to be released on hospice shortly after, the season brings me great memories but also so many difficult ones.

You know how I write notes to put together a post at a later time? Well in the 2 weeks (TWO fricken weeks) I’ve been jotting things down, two Kick Ass Cancer Mamas have passed away. It’s now their families who will have a mix of happy holiday memories and heart wrenching ones to fill the years to come. To say it isn’t fair, doesn’t even begin to express any of it. These wives, mothers, daughters, aunts, cousins… passed right in the middle of the time of year when a family should be busy celebrating and enjoying each other. Not planning for a service. But you know, it’s actually never ok for any of that… I could go on with the shittiness of it all but I’m honestly too angry.

When I was little- meaning as far back as I can remember- my biggest fear was people around me dying. I would have vivid nightmares of being the only person left on the earth trying to find someone. Anyone. It was a selfish fear. How would I go on with out those I love? How would it impact me?

Once I got diagnosed, I picked up a new fear- leaving those I love. Now both of my fears have collided, a daily reminder that both are so very real. Of course, I still like to visualize myself healthy and happy, with long, flowing silver locks- living until I’m 97 with my husband, children, grandchildren, etc… but I need everyone to understand the severity of it all. BC is not some pretty, pink, easily curable disease. Something needs to be done so that children do not have to grow up with out a parent. So that significant others actually get to grow old with the life partners they’ve committed to. So that parents do not have ‘bury’ their child.

I’m not a medical professional in a lab, trying to find the cure. Science and math have never been my jam… but a massive thank you to those who are working their butts off in the effort. So, instead of standing around and feeling helpless, I personally vow to do all I can- whether it’s financial donations or it’s through offering yoga and reiki or just being a good listener- I want to help my people and their families. During and after. We must promise to tell the little ones how amazing their mothers were. To share the beautiful and wonderful words that they once said and to remind them of the powerful things they did. They need to know how strong and loving they were because many of these children are too young to remember, which… hurts me to type.

I want so badly to turn my head and focus on me because it’s all so hard sometimes. But I just can’t. I can’t do it while I have friends who are literally dying around me. So I plan on taking more time to focus on self care (I know, I sound like a broken record) in order to stay strong so I can help others. There’s that saying- you can’t pour from an empty cup…

If you follow me on social media, you would have seen that Harlon manifested himself a Race Car Christmas tree. Even down to the Mater and Lightning McQueen ornaments on it. Because he put it out into the universe and trusted it would become. My sweet boy has reminded me of the power we hold. Let’s all manifest some good shit, for the good of others. It’s the season of giving after all.

One last reminder/plea – Please, never say someone “lost” their battle. It’s not a win/lose deal and we cannot give C that sort of victory. 💜

Still… Thankful, Grateful and Blessed

.Reading time 5 minutes.

I’ve been meaning to write a post for some time now but I guess I’ve been busy living, man. Really, I think I’m still adjusting to being back at work and not having a ton of free time. And the free time I do have, we’ve been hunting for a new place to live. Buuuuut…. I think we’ve found a place! We will have a final answer in a few days.

A quick C update: I just finished my 4th cycle of Xeloda yesterday. My toes and bottoms of feet are peeling. Like nasty peeling. I’m serious, I’m like a snake- thick sheets of skin are coming off daily. Filling my socks. Sometimes in the shower, the water will fill the pockets of skin, making it feel like I’m standing on a waterbed. Now go enjoy your turkey/ tofurkey and mashed potatoes 😜 but question- do they even make waterbeds anymore? Every rental application seems to believe so… 🤷🏻‍♀️

Other side effects from the Xeloda: The one that seems to irritate me even more than the skin stuff is that my fingerprints are “disappearing “, which I thought was a joking overreaction from others, turns out to be totally true. Every app on my phone that uses my finger print to open, including opening the fricken phone itself, no longer works. And remembering passwords is total crap.

I’m also dropping things a ton, this was something that happened to me while I was on Taxol too. My dexterity is suffering in general- maneuvering a necklace clasp proves to be rough, man. Along with opening tops, bottles, etc. You get it.

Since starting Xeloda, I’ve had a few mouth sores, which were expected. But this week I found a painful lump under my tongue and of course lump= anxiety. It has turned out to be a gnarly mouth sore. My onc prescribed me Magic Mouthwash for the pain which helps a ton but also gives me dentist face. You know, like when you get a cavity filled and they numb you… and then you talk funny, drool some, and feel overall swollen. Like that.

Oh, and Xeloda makes me smell like dust. No one else seems to smell it but me. Like C has literally made me old as dirt 😂

I had a surgery follow up about a week ago and all was great! I will be going back in 6 months for a check up. But this chick…. She’s the best. I love my surgeon so much, she removed my boobs and I still adore her. Shit. She could have given me a tail and I’d still love her. But I’m grateful she didn’t. Let’s get that straight.

Dr. Formichella

Since my last post, we also celebrated Lil’ Har turning the big 3! I am so thankful that I am here on this earth, able to see the pure joy on his face while playing with his cousins and brother, eating cake, and watching Cars 3. My kids, they have my whole heart. And always will.

Now, onto other grateful thoughts…

I have no doubt, I could do this all alone. I’m a strong ass mama. But I am so glad I don’t have to. The endless love and support me and my family receive daily is so important for healing and us continuing on. I want to repeat again, I am so thankful for Team Filloon. And to continue with the gratitude stuff, and giving that it’s a day of thanks, I’m doing another alphabet list like I did for Thanksgiving last year. Again, this is not the end all, be all. And- remember, I make the rules 😁Here goes it!

A- Amazon Prime

B- My Boys

C- Christmas Music

D- Date Nights

E- Epsom Salt Baths

F- Floyd’s Barbershop

G- GT’s Kombucha

H- Humor

I- Internet Memes

J- Jacuzzis

K- Kick Ass Cancer Mamas

L- Leggings

M- My Marriage

N- Necklaces

O- Orange Juice and Champagne minus the Orange Juice

P- Pie

Q- Quiet Time

R- Reiki

S- Scarves and Sage

T- This Is Us

U- Unicorns

V- Vegas

W- Self Work

X- Xeloda

Y- Yoga

Z- Zoloft

I hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving!

Still… Thankful, Grateful and Blessed💜

Mexico 

.Reading time 9 minutes.


YOLO- you only live once. Or maybe we live more than once, I’m not really sure. But what I am am sure of is that I only get this particular life once. I am also sure that YOLO is an outdated term but whatevs. 😉
Before C, I used to worry and dwell on the little things a lot. But post C, I find myself not having the patience to do that as much, I’m focusing more on living a ‘yes’ life. I am working on living a life that best serves me and my family. That’s not to say that I’m over here living some blissful, stress free life. But like I’ve said in the past, things are put into perspective these days and saying yes/allowing more good into my space has greatly benefited me and my loved ones. 


I acted on the ‘yes’ life recently when I accepted an invitation to go on b_inspired’s Cancer Warriors Retreat… To Mexico… With strangers. Well, not all strangers, my friend Elisa went with me and I am so grateful she did. This trip turned out to be absolutely life changing for me and I think several others too. 

A quick overview of our weekend. It was attended by (all types of C – not just breast) survivors and people from their support systems. On Friday, October 27th we drove 2 large vans down from San Diego into Mexico. We hit up a delicious taco shop along the way and continued on to an orphanage near Ensenada area called Casa Hogar pequenos Hermanos. There, we dropped off donations and treat bags for the kids. Unfortunately, the orphanage is not able to house any orphans at this time because they have been told by the government that they are not up to code- which requires a lot of money.  This is a work in progress which I’ll touch on at a later date. The donations will be saved until the kiddos can be back in the home. The goody/treat bags were given to kids from town who greeted us at the orphanage. We all played, colored, and had an overall fun time during the visit. Leaving was difficult and quite emotional. ***A go fund me has been set up for the orphanage in hopes to get them up to code so that they can starting housing and helping the many that are in need. 

From there, we headed to our resort- Punta Morro, found our roomies and quickly unpacked. We then went to our first session. I won’t go into details of each session but will say they consisted of yoga, meditation, dance parties, self work and love. A couple of the workouts were, by far, the most challenging I’ve done in years but they reminded me of what I’m capable of and how strong I am. 

Saturday was filled with sessions, amazing food, pool time, and wine tasting at Finca la Carrodilla. It was all so perfect. Sunday was another session and hang time until we headed back to San Diego. The friends and memories I’ve gained from this experience are so special and I’m beyond grateful for them.

💜✨My light is brighter than my darkness✨💜

This retreat definitely came at the right time in my life. I’m sure this will sound odd to many people, but life after active treatment is very different and at times, extremely more difficult than when you are in it. From diagnosis and all the way through, you’re filled with adrenaline- but it starts to dwindle over time. People look at me now- with a head full of hair and assume that things are all better. I’ll be truthful, some things are better- yeah, I have hair, I’m not going to weekly or daily treatments, I’m not recovering from a recent surgery. But I’m not ‘all better’. At this retreat, I learned that I’m not alone in feeling this.  

I wish everyone would/could go on one of Katie’s retreats. That being said, I 100% intend to go on another retreat with her!

On a much less emotional level-

I’m super thankful my hands and feet waited to peel and be painful until I returned from Mexico. Maybe it was the humidity or my insane amount of water intake that weekend. Or just maybe- nasty side effects stay away when you are in a state of pure joy and really focusing on self love and healing. 

If you remember a while back, they found a cyst on my right foot. I was sent to a podiatrist and he recommended an MRI. He did not seem concerned at all but we just wanted to be safe. The MRI was Monday evening and I spoke with the doctor today regarding the results. The MRI shows the cyst to be just that, a cyst. I’ve chosen to just let it be for now and I will monitor it. In the future, whenever I decide, I have the option to have it drained in the office or have it surgically removed at the root. Root= gross. 

I saw My oncologist last week for a follow up. All looks great. We discussed my side effects from the Xeloda being manageable so we will not drop dosage at this time. As of now, my side effects have included- the red, inflamed and very painful hands and feet, an irritated throat and a couple of mouth sores, some fatigue, an extremely painful toenail issue, and something I didn’t expect- brown freckle like marks on my palms and feet. 

My onc has also prescribed a new medication for sleep and appetite issues called Remeron. Holy crap, that stuff knocked me out!!! I took it Monday night and woke up Tuesday for work feeling super groggy and weird. I didn’t fully feel ok until noon on Tuesday! That’s after I had driven the kids to school and myself to work. Not cool, man. A couple of nights later I tried a half a pill and knocked out again but felt much less yucky the next day. In regards to the appetite stuff, the Remeron has kicked it into high gear! I went from not being hungry EVER and losing too much weight too quickly, to snacking ALL day. This is a good thing so that the Xeloda won’t get to be too toxic for my body. Cycle 4 begins this upcoming Wednesday. 

Fun Fact- Xeloda seems to be erasing some of my finger prints. I’ve heard people talk about this but thought it was a joke. Not a joke. 😳