Friday was my eighth rad treatment. So far, not much to report. Sometimes after a shower or a long walk, the treated area looks a bit pink but it fades a little over time. I don’t feel any discomfort so that’s cool. Except, I tried to swat a fly the other day and nearly threw my right shoulder (treatment side) out and that shit is still sore. 

When I checked into rads Friday morning, I was told that one of the machines was down again and they were about 45 minutes behind. I took the time to run over to the main hospital and pick up a prescription. 

Every Friday, outside of the main hospital, Kaiser hosts a farmers market, so I walked through to find something to eat after my rx pick up. Nothing looked as good as the weird pre-packaged cafeteria turkey sandwich I was craving but I did get suckered in to some delicious looking apricots and plums. And the tea guy- he really got me. I ended up purchasing some super yummy jasmine green tea and Golden Milk (turmeric, cinnamon, and ginger)… mmmmmmmmm. And yup, I scarfed down a turkey sandwich from the cafeteria and made it back to radiation just in time for that zap zap. 

You know how I’ve said that I believe everyone comes into our life for a reason? Whether we know that reason or not and whether that person is absolutely amazing, neutral, or super sucky- I am thankful for them all. 

This whole C mess has allowed me to ‘meet’ so many wonderful people. Meet is in quotes because I haven’t physically met majority of these people but have created amazing bonds through the internet. Sounds pretty creepy, I get it. But one non creepy- instead- amazing, badass, hilarious, supportive and overall rad person recently sent me something that gave me chills. She mailed me a hummingbird feeder. Sounds simple but it truly means a lot to me. It’s like a little stop along the fast paced path for those quick birdies. And when they come by, I also pause in my day. I think of all the things and people I am thankful for and for all of those who have passed. Harlon is also way into it. It’s a fun break in our day to check on the birdies together. AND I think I see a tiny nest up above our new feeder. ❤️

Fun side note- I’ll be heading to Las Vegas next month to actually meet some of my fellow Kick Ass Mamas. I’m so pumped!  

I am thankful for my new friends, my old friends, my family, TEAM FILLOON. I am thankful. 

I don’t have a great transition for this part. So here it is. I tossed two more seed balls into the open field near Kaiser because we recently lost another mama. It’s heartbreaking. But what truly rips the heart apart is that her newborn also passed the same night, minutes apart.  I didn’t get a chance to know her well but it’s still painful and scary to hear about and her story needs to be shared. All of our stories need to be shared in hopes that we can eventually find answers. 

Last Sunday was National Cancer Survivors Day. You may have seen a collage I posted on social media. If not, it’s here. Like the story above, it may make some of you uncomfortable. But that’s life. And like I said before, this is mine. 

Nerves + over adequate hydration + the office running an hour behind schedule due to a broken machine = three potty breaks before they even took me back to Serenity. Once they got me positioned on the board and lined me up with my tattoos, I had a quick pity party for one. I’m 33, I should be focusing on how the heck someone potty trains a toddler, not who’s going to watch said toddler and his little cheeseball of a brother every day for the next five weeks. Then I remembered- it is what it is (thank goodness for #teamfilloon) and then thought of one of my favorite sayings- bloom where you are planted. So I will. (Try)

The techs took a couple of X-rays to make sure everything was all good and then they placed a bolus pad on me. It’s like a large gel pad and I can’t remember what it does. Something about being an extension of my skin…. So, that’s there and then zap zap zap. All together, the actual time on the board was about 10-15 minutes. I felt nothing, saw nothing, smelled nothing. The most stressful part is when they say “Just keep breathing normal.” Yeah, ok. Gasp, gasp, gasp. 

So, recently, I googled if Mercury was in retrograde. Short answer- No. Then I googled “what does Mercury in retrograde mean….”

Why did I google this? Because I google everything, duh. And because I’ve been in a funk and I just can’t seem to shake it. I’m not mad, or sad but not totally happy either and I can’t pinpoint it to one thing. I do feel like the after effects of chemo are really starting to kick in. The chemo brain and joint pain are really bringing me down. Each morning when I get out of bed, I shuffle to the restroom because the pain and stiffness in my feet is unreal. Sometimes I can’t even open the milk for H because my fingers are too achy. And the insomnia. Arg. 

I try to stay positive and I’m completely aware that I have so much to be thankful for. And I am. But I also want to be honest, things get hard. I have lived with anxiety for as long as I can remember but as of late, it’s been really yuck. And overwhelming. 
I have realized my self care has been lacking so I’m sure that’s not helping. I’m really trying to get back to it. Eating better, exercising, yoga, acupuncture, deep breathing, beach trips…. but in the meantime, do I just fake it till I make it? Isn’t that a thing? Like if you make your self smile, eventually you won’t have to try because you actually get happy….. something like that?

I know we all face moments when we need to fake it till we make it. And if you don’t, seriously- a huge high five for you. Hell man, high fives all around anyways because life gets hard whether you need/want to fake it or not. I guess this just happens to be my moment and I’ll pull through. 
Luckily I have Zoloft to help me fake it until I do.  😜