Surgery Follow Up Rescheduled

March 28, 2017.Reading time 3 minutes.

Yesterday, John removed my bandages. I thought I was ready to share a picture but I’m not there yet. The day will come and I’ll give a warning, as it will for sure make lots of you uncomfortable. I’ve always said I’d be honest… I just have to do it on my terms.

The bandages had been making me feel extremely claustrophobic and they were uncomfortable. So I took some Tylenol and an Ativan and sat down… for fear of passing out. John removed the bandages away from a mirror. I had him describe what he saw. Where were the incisions and stitches? Was there blood? Was I swollen? What did he think?

When I finally got the nerve, I stood up and walked towards the mirror. I wish that I could say it was easy to look at. I’m not proud of the first words I said or my first thoughts. Thank goodness for John. He reminded me that I would never say those things to any of my survivor sisters and he was right. Instead, I would see their strength and be proud of them. I allowed myself yesterday to pout, cry, and be upset. Today is a new day.

Also today, I was scheduled to see my surgeon for a follow up and to get the pathology report. Unfortunately, my surgeon was held up in another surgery and, last minute (like we were going to walk out of the house soon) we had to reschedule my appointment for Wednesday.

These drains are driving me nuts so I’m really hoping they can be removed when I see her. They are itchy and they tug on my skin. I also have to “milk” the drains to keep them flowing. Go ahead, puke a little, I do. The area above my incisions is swollen. It actually feels like a thick rubber band runs underneath my arm pits and across my chest. My left arm has a better range of motion than my right. My right side (lympnodes were removed on the right side) is stiff and really uncomfortable. My arm pit and back of arm are numb. I’ve read this is normal. I spoke to a nurse today, I am to keep an eye on the swelling and will go in tomorrow if it increases.

Sleeping is still a pain. I was able to sleep in our own bed last night which was nice. Having to stay on my back all night is crap. I look forward to my first night sleeping on my side, or hell- let’s get crazy here- my stomach! Then I’ll really be living.

Post Surgery

March 25, 2017.Reading time 4 minutes.

I just changed my clothes and got a sponge bath for the first time since Tuesday. Yeah, gross, I know, but whatever. It hurt and I’m not looking forward to the next time. I also just sneezed for the first time, while writing this. And that hurt like hell too. So… that’s what I’ve been up to.

A quick overview of the last few days. We got to the hospital at 9am on Tuesday, March 21. They checked me in, had me hop into the gown and then hurry up and wait. At 11 am they sent me to Nuclear Medicine for an injection. Down there, they injected me with a blue dye that would travel to any lymph nodes with infected cells. It was a tiny shot in my right breast, I barely felt it. Then I was on my way back up to wait for my surgeon.

When she arrived, we went over everything again and then it was time. The nurse and anesthesiologist prepped me to go back to the operating room about 2pm. They gave me some ‘happy juice’ and I felt good. The last things I remember- agreeing with the nurse that people do say John looks like Tom Cruz, talking to the nurses about how much I love 90’s music and me asking if they were going to play music during surgery. They asked for my requests…. Britney Spears- I’m a Slave 4 U….Then I lightly mumbled “This is it? You do it right here?” The space seemed cramped. Then BOOM, I was out.

I woke up a little bummed because I had been dreaming I was in Hawaii. Next thing, I had major chills and the urge to puke. I don’t know if I puked there. But I know I puked at home. I don’t remember much from after surgery really. My brother, Jessica, and John have been filling me in a bit when I get confused. I do remember being told that my pee was going to be blue. They weren’t shitting me. Bright blue. Like I peed out a Smurf for the first day.

I’ve settled in downstairs, have managed to get a few nights of pretty restful sleep, considering. My right arm pit is where most of the pain is but that’s not saying the rest of it is painless. Norco helps quite a bit but also makes me super loopy and I hate it.

Now to the good stuff. The surgeon removed my port. She also removed 3 lymph nodes in my right arm pit along with both breasts. There were no traces of C in these nodes. Hell. Yes. We will get the full pathology report next week but as of now, I am pretty damn happy.

Currently, I don’t feel like my breasts are gone. There’s so much gauze under the bandages so it looks like I’m a solid B cup. I have the option of taking the bandages off myself today or I can wait until I see my surgeon on Monday. I’ll probably wait, just looking at my drains makes nearly pass out. I’m not ready to see the wounds. Hopefully on Monday, the drains can be removed. They aren’t as bad as I imagined but they are uncomfortable and gross. I’m sore and itchy and ready to be healed already.

Patience.

A letter to the ladies

March 21, 2017.Reading time 3 minutes.

Dear breasts,

The time has come to say goodbye and go our separate ways. We have been through so much together, so it’s going to be tough going on without you. But I will be ok.

You made yourselves known pretty early in life and I wasn’t ready. I hid you in tight sports bras and baggy t-shirts. What else could a 6th grader do?

By the 7th grade, we were on better terms. I had learned to live with you guys. That’s what it was, we were just coexisting with each other. I never felt comfortable letting you shine in all your glory. As I got older, even my mom would say “flaunt them while you got them!” Who knew that one day I wouldn’t ‘have them’?! Not me. But I was always so self conscious and I kept you under wraps for a lot of the time.

Then you really outdid yourselves at our wedding. Schwing! Thanks for that! I mean, it took a handful of ladies to control you that day and smuggle you into the weirdest contraption of a bra so that you could really strut your stuff. And you both looked fantastic.

You went on to feed my first born for 13 months and for that, I am beyond grateful. I had planned to use your skills for my second baby but that wouldn’t be the case. But I know you tried.

We’ve been through thick and thin. You know, thick like my freshman 15 and sophomore 20. And thin like our half marathon days. Get it? Thick. Thin. I hope I’m still funny without you.

You are a part of me and it will be an adjustment going on without you. But you’ve had a great run. And me, well, I have to keep on keepin’ on. You’ll always have a place in my heart. I’ll never forget you, probably mostly because I’ll have some pretty crazy scars to remind me of where you once stood.

Thank you. I love you. Now it’s time for you to go.

Sincerely,

Jessica