I See You

.Reading time 3 minutes.

My heart has a way of knowing when days like today are coming up. Long before my brain registers what it is or before I can look at a calendar, it knows. Maybe it’s the scent in the air, placement of the sun, or just straight up gut. Whatever it is, I begin to close up, requiring more alone time and quiet. I get snappier and more irritable.

Loss is difficult. It leaves a lingering, uniquely shaped hole in the soul. A hole that can be patched up with any number of things. But a patch only holds up for so long and eventually, the gap begins to show through. I have come to terms that these holes- sometimes presenting like massive craters- will never be filled. No amount of {insert: obsession, vice, passion, avoidance, etc. here} can fit perfectly into the space left behind. But we all seem to try.

Eleven years ago today, Aaron and I lost our mother. My grandparents lost their daughter. Her siblings lost their sister. Others lost their cousin, aunt, niece, friend, confidant. And we all handled and continue to live with our loss so differently.

Since the passing of my mom, I have also lost my dad and many friends. Each leaving their own unique space that will never be complete again.

But those who have traveled on have also left pieces of themselves behind with me. I like to visualize these pieces as tiny gemstones that nestle perfectly within my bones and continue to radiate the love and energy of their original vessels.

Sometimes, this thought is my sole way of remaining ‘ok’. Other times, I feel so ok with life and trust that everything is happening exactly as it should be, that I feel guilty that I am able to continue on with my life… Like I said, loss is difficult… For me, the effects of loss often look different from day to day, month to month, year to year.

We all heal in our own way. And how we honor our loved ones can look vastly different from person to person and moment to moment.

If I had magic words to heal the hurt, I would share them for those interested. But I don’t.

All I can offer are these- Reach out to be heard or sit in silence if it feels right… or find something in the middle that serves you in the moment.

And no matter your choice, I see you. 💜

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

.Reading time 7 minutes.

Lately, the kids and I have been talking a lot about school and why they go. It’s usually started by a complaint from one of them on the way there. And by complaint, I’m talking screaming, kicking, and tears. Usual kid stuff, right?…. Right?

They ask me why they have to go, tell me they’d rather stay home- and then I remind them that they can’t stay home because mama and daddy have to go to work and make money, honey. Most times they get it because they remember that money (or when Har was little he called it fucking mundy 😂) is what we use to buy treats, toys, food, clothes, a roof to live under…

I’ve been trying to explain to them that they have to go to school so that when they grow up, they can be whatever they want to be. They’ll then start to ramble off all of the rad professions that interest them- firefighter, animal doctor, paleontologist, police officer. It’s exciting to hear them dream about their futures and I hope that John and I can support them to find what truly fits them and brings joy and fulfillment. So we discuss that when they get a little older, they get to choose classes based on their interests. And until then, if they want to learn more about a profession, we will find a way for them to meet someone face to face and they can ask all of the questions they can come up with.

It’s funny, as far as I can remember, I never really concerned myself with these thoughts as a kid. I mean, ok- yeah, I had wanted to be a singing veterinarian for a while, and then a Fly Girl on In Living Color or a member of Wilson Phillips, and then a stand up comedian… And obviously, those things take a certain level of dedication and talent- that I totally lacked and they ultimately didn’t work out. But wouldn’t it had been cool if they did? And then after elementary school, I don’t really remember dreaming about what I wanted to ‘be’.

Fast forward lots of years, I graduated college with a BA in Applied Design and a minor in Sociology and a total lack of drive to do anything with them. Then my quarter life crisis hit hard and lasted too long- I felt I was continuously searching for my purpose and who I wanted to be as a ‘grown up’.

About 8 years after graduation, John and I got married and had our first baby. To be totally honest- and I have probably said this before somewhere on these interwebs- I never thought I wanted to get married or have kids- but of course the universe had different plans and these things turned out to be some of the most spectacular pieces to my life’s story and have since helped to mold me into a person that I am proud to be.

Really, every happy, sad and difficult moment and life experience has helped create my reality and I am truly thankful for them all. No matter how fucking shitball-terrible they felt (and sometimes continue to feel) in the moment(s).

So when Har asked me this morning what I want to be when I grow up, a smile filled my face as I responded with “well babe, I am already what I want to be.” I told him how when I go to work during the day, I get to work in an office filled with people who are helping others find affordable living situations. When I leave at nighttime and on the weekends, I am helping people heal themselves through yoga, meditation, reiki, and other energy aspects. And when I am with them and John, I am a wife and mom to the most special people.

Motherhood and wifehood (is that a thing? Wifehood? It should be. It is now) are by far my most difficult roles- mostly because I never get to ‘clock out’… but they are also the most rewarding, fulfilling, and important roles for me. The universe blessed me with a supportive and loving husband who puts up with all my crazy, lack of patience and focus, and intense mood swings. My children have made me realize what I am capable of, how much I can love, and continue to teach me about the world around us, about other beings, and about myself.

So, to me, the question of ‘what do you want to be when you grow up’ isn’t just limited to a profession. I think it includes the person you want to be too. And I want to be a kind and loving person. A supportive family member, friend, human.

Life is a process, a journey, a chapter book… or how ever the heck you choose to refer to it. Where I am in this part of my story, I am happy. I am who I want to be and with the people I want to be with. All while remembering that it’s an ongoing process and we are all forever evolving.

So, what do you want to be when you ‘grow up’?

Update to the Update

.Reading time 2 minutes.

No, I’m not contagious. Words I’ve been repeating too often. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m currently on my fourth round of antibiotics and second round of steroids for a sinus infection that began around Christmastime. Last week, I was diagnosed with chronic sinusitis and am scheduled for sinus surgery on March 15. There’s a slight chance that the surgery can be canceled if I respond well to this round of meds but as of now, I feel exactly the same. A follow up CT scan of my face in a couple of weeks will confirm the next step.

Turns out I also have a severely deviated septum. Who knew? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Not me. And I’ve been living with this sucker since birth. If surgery does happen, this will be fixed along with the sinuses. No, no I’m not getting a nose job. Actually, I’m pretty fond of my sniffer and was quick to make sure that the shape won’t change. 👍🏻

Now, before someone sends me a link listing the benefits of shoving kale up my ass and bathing in pure lemon juice (because if it cures C, it has to help inflamed sinuses, right? 😜) I’ve tried everything- Sinus rinses, sinus sprays, standing on my head, increased fluids, meds, acupuncture, essential oils, crystals, diet changes, cupping, hot showers, epsom salt baths, breathing exercises…. you get it. And still I sound like Fran Drescher. And I am sick of that voice booming throughout my head each day. As I’m sure those around me are sick of it too. Especially the students in my ‘relaxing’ restorative classes. Nothing eases your mind like the sweet sound of a plugged up, nasally Miley Cyrus-ish voice guiding you through a healing body scan. 🙄

Update to the update to the update to follow soon.