I think I’ve finally emerged out the other end of this latest chemo cocktail fog. But seriously. What. The. Fuck. I never would have thought that I would literally not be able to lift my head off of my pillow or even open my eyes. That shit is no joke. I was projectile vomiting. Sweating. Freezing. On the verge of tears from how miserable I felt. But even more miserable not being able to be there for my kids and John. I felt as if someone ran me over with a dump truck and then reversed to make sure I was good and done.
It’s funny, looking back at how bummed I was to push that one week of Taxol due to low counts. It was a blessing. Otherwise I would have felt this shitty over the holiday and that would have devastated me. I would have slept through Wyatt’s first Christmas and I wouldn’t have seen Harlon’s face light up with all of his gifts. I would have also missed Har’s scared shitless face when we told him Santa would be coming inside the house to deliver gifts. He’s still not a fan of the jolly old guy.
John’s basically been our own Lighting McQueen. You know, a one man show. Oh, no? You haven’t seen the movie Cars 9,567 times? Oh weird, we have… Luckily Coach has been around the last few days and is always willing to entertain Lil Har and put up with his endless game requests. He also keeps my husband sane. Win win.
Since I was feeling better today, I slapped on some brows and eyeliner. Swapped out one pair of leggings for another. And was happy to be a functioning part of society, if only for like 2 hours. I could have asked John to run my errands for me but it felt liberating to do something on my own. Even if it just was a run to the pharmacy and Trader Joe’s.
Along with John’s never ending support and positivity, someone else gave me a much needed pep talk last night to help me out of this funk. She reminded me that I WILL bounce back. Maybe not today or tomorrow but I will rise above all of this. Her encouragement gave me chills. And not the chemo kind of chills. Like heartfelt, man, she’s the best, chills. Thank you Katie.☺ And she’s right. Because I’ve got this.
My new favorite hobby: seeing what kinds of stuff people bought at the grocery store as they juggle it all to the car because no one wants to buy a plastic bag for 20 cents when they forget their reusable one.