Tag: Cancer

Six Years

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Six years ago I was terrified, not sure if I would live to see Harlon go into Kindergarten. Not even sure if I’d see Wyatt celebrate a birthday. It was go time from that first call and sometimes I look around and wonder if I have slowed down to catch my breath at all.

But that’s life. Or so they say. And a life is what I’m here for.

Tonight, I was explaining to the boys where we all were 6 years ago. Me and John at the dr’s, Wyatt growing in my belly, Harlon running around like a one-year-old wild man somewhere. He was somewhere… with someone… I’m sure of it. 🙈 It was all a bit of a blur, you know?

But it was kinda funny, neither of them remember a time where I was ‘sick’. They know I have scars and see pictures of me with no hair. They don’t question it, they just know it’s a part of our story. And I guess it’s good? Me… oh I know. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about some aspect of cancer. It has shaped who and where I am today. Every new ache and pain has the ability to send me into a complete downward spiral. I continue to face my mortality- especially when looking at expiration dates on my debit card or driver’s license wondering if I’ll be around to get the next one. But I also continue to find gratitude in the little things. I look at life through a lense I didn’t have access to before.

So here we are. Wyatt is starting kindergarten next week and Harlon is going into second grade. And with today being 6 years from my diagnosis, that means Wyatt’s 6th birthday is right around the corner. John and I continue to fly by the seat of our pants and maintain 5 star status as personal Uber drivers for these little humans of ours. Driving them from sport to sport and birthday party to birthday party…. So. Many. Birthday Parties….

But really… happy to be here 💜

6 Month Follow Up

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Daaaaang, it’s been a while. THANKFULLY – because that means there hasn’t been anything to report.

I had my 6 month oncology follow up this last Thursday. As my oncologist walked in, I could see her smiling behind the mask and glasses and could hear her joyful tone as she said hello and announced ‘This is the year!’ Yes, this is the year- as August will mark 5 years since my diagnosis, a major milestone for my type of cancer!

The appointment went really well, her excitement was contagious. My physical exam proved to look and feel good, my weight has stopped fluctuating, and {for once} I didn’t have a million paranoid questions to shoot off. She ran extensive blood work and all was normal except for high cholesterol (damnit) which means I really need to start monitoring what I’m eating. Turns out tortillas and butter are not the healthiest of meals, who knew 😜

As she left the room, we snapped a pic. Afterwards, I laughed commenting on why I called out smile underneath the massive face masks and her answer was perf: “Smile behind the mask, you can see the joy in the eyes!” 😍

T H R E E YEARS!

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Today marks 3 years since I got the call confirming what I already knew… And what we all now know.

What I didn’t know at that time was- What would happen to the baby growing inside of me? What would my husband and 1 year old do if something happened to me? How would I choose to handle the news? And I definitely did not comprehend how dramatically my life and outlook on life would change.  

That call obviously shook my world and the world of my family and friends.  And I often wonder if baby Wyatt could feel it too.  But after speaking with my team of doctors, my first concern was addressed.  The baby in my belly would be perfect… and he is. Sometimes a perfect pain in the keister but still perfect.

And thankfully I am still here to witness the great father John is to our little humans. And I get to see Harlon growing up to be an amazing child. AND it turns out, I handled the diagnosis and what followed pretty OK.  Of course, I had and continue to have my shit days.  And my complete shit days.  And my “I’m never leaving my bed because life isn’t fair” shit days. But I try to keep a positive outlook as often as possible (while giving myself permission to throw the occasional pity party). And I remind myself that I get to choose if I walk around miserable and mean or if I want to choose to look at the positives and radiate joy.

This way of thinking is not for everyone, I get that.  And I have never tried to push my views on life onto anyone else.  I mean, we all get to walk our own paths.  But I remember reading a quote by another survivor right after I was diagnosed which said “Breast cancer can change you, but the change can be beautiful”.  I have tried to wholeheartedly embody that idea by looking for the beauty even when it seems to be pure shit surrounding me.

I know I don’t post very often about my story anymore.  But it’s not because I am “all better” or “over it”, but it’s because I am busy living this life I’ve been blessed with, spending my time with the people I love and who spark pure joy in my heart.  This disease has taught me what is important and what is not, where I want to focus my energy and where I can let go.  I am busy with my family, teaching yoga, supporting others who’ve been diagnosed, working on projects… all with the goal to leave the world better and more joyous than I found it and to be the light for others when the darkness tries to consume them.

Truthfully, anxiety still haunts me, as it always has.  And I’m not sure if I’ll ever get past the feeling of ‘running out of time’.  But life continues to be put into perspective and it’s nice to know we are all in this together…

So cheers to many, MANY, M A N Y more years to come!