As I rocked Wyatt tonight and fed him his last bottle as my wee baby, I was overwhelmed with gratitude and love because tomorrow he turns one. And I am here to celebrate with him. 

I was reminded of when I read the Giving Tree to Harlon for the first time. I sobbed. I was also pregnant with Wyatt at that time and wondered how I could love another baby as much as I loved H. Well, long story short. I do. I love my boys more than anything on this earth. With all my heart. Insert any other cliche saying here. 

The last year, as difficult as it was at times, was something so necessary so that I could be here to welcome Wyatt into this next year of excitement. So that I can walk into his room tomorrow morning and see that giant grin on his chubby face. All of the pain, nausea, surgeries, doctors appointment, tears… all worth it. 

Behind the scenes info- I don’t usually sit down and write out a blog post in one fell swoop. Most of the time, I’ll jot down thoughts over the course of several days and construct something readable over time. And this post is no different. But looking back over my ‘notes’, this one has turned out very differently than it began. My last couple of weeks have been pretty negative. At least, I have been negative, all my notes were beyond negative, and I’m pretty sure it’s a result of the hormone changes from the hysterectomy. My mood swings have been atrocious and they are hard to hide. I’m not proud of it but also find it difficult to correct. Positive Jess took a break from life for a bit and bitchwad Jess stepped in. Full force. 

Sometimes bitchwad Jess is funny and extra witty. But sometimes, this time, she is just flat out shitty. I’ve been super irritable. Snapping at John, the kids, Pete dog, you name it. Usually at times like this, I take a time out and soak in a relaxing bath but I’m not allowed to do that for another 4 weeks and I’ve had a hard time finding a new coping skill. 

It’s the little things that are setting me off too. Stuff that I was totally cool with just a few weeks ago. For example, I’m frustrated with my hair. With my thin eyebrows. I’m suddenly struggling with a lack of body confidence when, just a week ago, I was rocking it. I had prepped myself for pain and hot flashes post surgery. Not for being an unpredictable nutbag.  

On top of all that crazy, I started Xeloda last week- that’s the oral chemo pill that I’m taking just as a precaution. So far the only noticeable side effect is extra fatigue. Or is that motherhood? 

Yesterday, I had an unplanned follow up with my onc gyno. I’ve had increased bleeding and he wanted to make sure that my stitches (up in my hoo-ha) were still in place. They are all good, I just need to make sure I am not lifting anything heavy for several more weeks. I seriously love that man. But I feel like that might be a creepy thing to get into about the doc who’s all up in your bits. 😳

Leaving that office, I randomly ran into Chuck- the Chicago loving radiation tech guy. We laughed to see each other out in the real world, he introduced me to his wife, I talked crap on Peter Cetera. It was a good time. 

Just a few hours later, I actually headed to the radiation department for a follow up there too. I love that office so much. I love the staff, the vibe, even the familiar smell. Even while loving that place, I was in a crap mood until the doc walked in and started a super awesome pep talk. I’m not sure if she could tell that’s what I needed so badly at the time or what. But she pumped me up. She said something along the lines of “Jump in there kid. Live life. You’ve had a crazy year and your body’s been through a lot; pregnancy, C-section, chemo, breast surgery, radiation, hysterectomy, more chemo. Your body is recalibrating but you have what we call a strong constitution. I wish you could see what I see all day and you’d realize how strong you are. Think of all your battles fought and battles won.” I told her I wish I could record her and replay it on bad days because it was exactly what I needed to hear. 

As far as the rad follow up, everything looks great. The change in skin color will lighten over time but after about a year, the color it is, will likely remain. I call it my badge of honor. When I left I told them, “I love your faces but I hope not to see them again.” They agreed. So that’s that. 

And then, holding baby Wyatt in my arms tonight, everything seemed to be put back into perspective. All of the complaints and crap above didn’t matter in that moment. Obviously I can’t change the hormone crap. But at least I can acknowledge the feelings and try to regroup. 

So, happy almost birthday to my forever baby. I love you more than you’ll ever be able to comprehend…. until you have a child of your own I would guess.  And here’s to many, many, MANY more birthdays that we will celebrate together.