Last night, while cleaning up the kitchen after what felt like our 1,789th home cooked meal of the quarantine, I managed to Captain America myself in the forehead with a massive pot lid while putting it away in a high cupboard. Oh, what exactly is Captain America’ing? It’s when something shaped like Cap’s shield goes hurling through the air only to take down the bad guy. I was the bad guy. Maybe it was the Universe telling me to stop being such a massive bitch over little things. Maybe not. Whatever it was, I tasted blood- you know what I’m talking about- that weird smell/taste thing that happens when you get hit in the face… and I was screaming.

So, there I was, sobbing like a child and immediately started dropping F bombs and hollering for John. My initial thought was “if this needs stitches, fuck it- I am not going to the hospital”. My second thought was “I am so grateful for a partner who does 99% of the cooking and clean up after meals otherwise, how many more times would this happen to me?!”

John finally managed to calm me down and set me up with an ice pack while he finished putting one kid in time out and bathing the other. This “break” gave me time to think…. What the hell is this global “New Normal” {NN} we are about to enter? Deep right? It may have been the head trauma. Or it may have been the fact that those were the first real tears I remember crying for a VERY LONG TIME and I was allowing my emotions leak out. Either way- I have no answers. My guess is it will be like every other NN I’ve cannonballed into- live and learn, try to make the best educated decisions and try to be kind to myself and others as we wade through shit together for a while.

And as we head back out into the world to how things ‘were before’, I’m reminded of those cannonballs mentioned above: Like how I felt after my mom died- I had no clue how life would go on without her. It went on differently, but it went on. Or after my dad died- still life continued- differently, but continued. Or after my C diagnosis- I honestly questioned IF it would go on but HEY {thankfully}, I’m still here. Or after choosing to remain flat in a world which repeatedly told me I would ‘feel less of a woman without breasts’. Guess what- it went on. #FlatAsFuck. My life continues on, just differently from NN to NN.

After all of these plot twists, I always felt I was re-entering a world where I was expected to be back to “normal”. But what the fuck does that even mean?! And here we go again- but this time, there is a huge difference. We are all going to be navigating a NN- TOGETHER. There will for sure be emotions that come up now and down the line. And I mean, like, waaaay down the line. Trust me- it happens. Like how sometimes I see a pregnant woman and instantly feel a wave of pent up emotions consume me… Another post for another day… And what will we do with all of these feelings we have accumulated? How will be process them? Will we process them? Or shove them to the back burner to deal with at a later time? AKA during a total mental breakdown at probably the most inopportune time?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I tend to live most of my life in a constant state of anxiety. {Not just during quarantine but BC (before Covid + before cancer) too} And most likely, this won’t change in the NN. So my transition will include sitting with my feelings and giving myself time to process what I can and remembering to breathe. But, as if a fucking pandemic wasn’t enough for my already well developed anxiety, the pressure I’ve been feeling to make “good use” of my quarantine-time might make my transition to a NN a bit more complex. I mean, does anyone else feel like they need to emerge from their chrysalis with rock hard abs, a banging booty, a business plan, and Pinterest worthy recipes and kid crafts. SURPRISE- NOT HAPPENING OVER HERE. But I have definitely felt the push to “be a better me”. [eye roll]

So, while working from home and trying to keep my kids’ brains from turning into mush- I have been focusing on:

Resting– LIKE NOT DOING ALL THE THINGS.

Reflection– Processing I feel, how I’ve been feeling, how I’ve acted, how I’ve helped, what can I do.

Healing– This one’s a doozy but working through the hard stuff and giving myself space helps.

Prioritizing– What/Who REALLY needs my attention in the moment.

If abs, booty, business plans and Pinterest skills are your thing and a way for you to harness anxiety and give you a sense of control, YES! Do those things! And try continue to do those things as they are probably a form of self care (as long as they make you happy and fill your cup). And because we all have different ways to fill our cups.

And if anything, I hope that majority of us come out of quarantine remembering to give ourselves and others a break and to BE KIND. None of this is easy and I truly think that most people are doing the best they can.

Be kind, Be patient, Do good