Author: jessicafilloon

Hysterectomy Update 

.Reading time 4 minutes.


I never eat breakfast but as soon as someone tells you can’t do something, isn’t that all you can think about? My last food intake was at about 8pm the night before surgery. I was hangry by 7:37am yesterday. Hangry=hungry +angry. On top of it, I couldn’t have any coffee so I was swell to be around. 

We got to the hospital at 1:30, got all checked in and settled- and watched a few episodes of Bizarre Foods. Limited hospital channels. I was so hungry at this point that my mouth was watering while watching the host suck snails from the shells. 

My nurse was the best, I wanted to be friends with her. She has two girls, same ages as H and W so of course I was planning weddings in my head 😜 She reminded me of Ali Wong and I loved it. All of the staff was great really, they kept me nice and calm and truly listened to me when I expressed my fears of uncontrollable vomiting after surgery. They gave me a patch to wear behind my ear and three different nausea meds to combat any possible queasiness that would follow and it worked perfectly. 

My other main concern was what we would be listening to in the operating room. Whatever it was, it needed to be fun and upbeat. So naturally, I requested Britney. The OR nurses were so excited with this request and that pumped me up even more. Did they actually play it? No clue. But I like to believe they were pulling my innards out of my vag while singing:

“You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti?You want a Maserati? You better work bitch

You want a Lamborghini? Sippin’ martinis?

Look hot in a bikini? You better work bitch…

Now get to work bitch!

Now get to work bitch!”

-Britney Spears 

My post op team was flat out delightful, sweet and mellow. My main nurse Marylan, never even batted an eye when I was sure I was about to pee myself and needed a bed pan immediately. I didn’t pee. Or when I asked for my 7th pack of graham crackers and 5th apple juice. I loved her. 

I woke up in the recovery room feeling super crampy- almost like the beginning signs of labor. I tried to avoid the narcotics but ibuprofen didn’t do a damn thing and I was given some Dilaudid. It was sleepy magic. I was also connected to a sensor to monitor my breathing and it kept beeping. Apparently I was not breathing deep enough but I was convinced that I was not breathing at all. Marylan kept reminding me that she could see my chest rising and falling and that I was clearly talking to her. So good news, I was and am still breathing.

I still feel pretty crampy, bloated, and sleepy but overall, I feel great. Much better than I had anticipated. I never puked and was able to be discharged last night. We got home around 10 or 11. Honestly, I have no clue what time it was. I expected to feel lighter, a bit empty but nope. I don’t feel much of anything and I like it. 

Thank you everyone, for your thoughts, prayers, calls, texts, and overall good vibes. So much love to Team Filloon ❤️
Side note- this was written partially on Dilaudid last night and Norco today. If it makes no sense, well, I’ll have to read it later and update accordingly 😜

Hysterectomy Time 

.Reading time 4 minutes.

When I close my eyes, I’m instantly taken back to the amazing weekend we just celebrated in Half Moon Bay. And I’m beyond grateful that I was able to be a part of such a special series of events. 
Aaron and Jessica Beese- a phrase that was once used to refer to me and my brother, has taken on a new and beautiful meaning. It now represents my little brother and his new and gorgeous wife. The love they share for each other is magical. It was a spectacular weekend full of love, laughs, happy tears and magnificent promises. 
I gained a new sister this last weekend, more family and some new friends. And I gained memories that will last forever. I am so proud of those two. Weddings, they are the perfect reminder to love with all your heart- through the good and the bad, forever and always.

Coming off of that weekend, I jumped right back into the mom life and patient life. Yesterday was the boys’ first day of preschool and daycare. Driving them there, I felt like I was going to puke from nerves but as soon as we walked into Harlon’s class, he shouted “I love this!” I dropped them off and left feeling so proud and thankful that I get to witness these exciting days and massive milestones. 

Then I was off to Kaiser to pick up my post surgery meds and to get pre surgery blood work. It was a lot of blood….. I hate blood…… but based on my non-medical background, things (test results) look good. 

The hysterectomy and ovary removal will send me into immediate menopause. But I had a dream last night that my hot flashes were no worse than what I’m already dealing with. So maybe that’s a good sign. Fingers crossed because I am already a seriously sweaty mama. I’ve also been getting some awesome pep-talks and tips from my hyster-sister (she’s the wittier one in our relationship) and that has eased several fears. 
I’ve spent my last day before surgery lifting lots of heavy stuff because I’m going to miss that for the next couple of weeks. Just kidding, I lift shit because I’m a mom. And things need to get done. But for real, I spent the day prepping. Prepping my house (and my intestines – that ‘shit’ needs to be cleared so there more room for the doc to move and groove in there. 😜) , cleaning, shopping… all the fun stuff. 
The last few days, I’ve been extremely anxious and nervous about tomorrow’s surgery which is scheduled for 3:30pm. (That late start time means I can’t eat after 11pm tonight!!! Wahhhhh!) I’m on edge about going under again and what will be when I wake up. Will I be puking as much as I did after my mastectomy? I seriously hope not! But I’ve had a chance to sit with it all and I feel much more at peace. Because I know that I am taking this next step to be able to experience more moments like the ones I wrote about at the beginning of this post. 

Tomorrow, I most likely will not respond to any messages or texts (because I’ll be hangry as f*&@) but please know that I am so thankful for all of the love and support from everyone 💜

One Year… and Counting 

.Reading time 8 minutes.

One year ago today, I received an early morning phone call and that single moment altered any path that I thought I was heading down. The voice on the other end was comforting yet truthful. I had cancer. I say the whole word this time for a couple of reasons. Because that’s what she said. And that’s what I heard.

But I HAD it. It never had me. Let’s all remember that before I go on.

When I hung up, I tried to explain what I’d just heard to my boss through tears and broken sentences. I left sobbing and shaking, heading home to meet John. All I could think about were my children. Harlon was just a baby. Baby Boy Filloon (we couldn’t decide on a name FOR EVER) was just a little dude growing inside of me. What was going to happen to him? Those boys needed me, what would they do if I wasn’t ok?

When John and I were finally face to face, we hugged and I continued to cry. I was so scared. But in that moment, I knew that I would never want to go through this with anyone else. He grounded and continues to ground me. He’s my protector even when I’m sure he feels helpless.

We tried to pass the time until my appointment later that day with funny movies but we couldn’t shake it. Any of it. So we went to the mall. Of course. We walked around (I waddled), ate cookies at Mrs. Fields, sat in the gigantic massage chairs at Brookstone, tried so hard to pass the next few hours. From there, we jumped face first into the story you all are so familiar with now.

A lot has happened in the last year, I’m not the same person I was then. A big one-  I’m now a mother of two.  Those boys are my reason for living and what I give my all for. Just the other day, Harlon told me that Wyatt is his best friend and my heart melted. Little did I know that I’d be able to give him that gift. (He also told me a dead worm in the driveway was his best friend but I’ll take it anyway.)

A huge thing I’ve learned since that call is that I can’t control what happens to me, I can only control how I react. Ain’t that the truth?

Over the last year, I’ve lost parts of myself- physically and emotionally. But I’ve gained so much more than I’ve lost.  Here’s just some of what I’ve learned through it all so far-

Light the candles, use the good soap, drink the good bottle…. meaning don’t hang onto shit and save it for a special occasion. Everyday is special. Hug lots when people are there because you never know if or when you’ll see them again. Tell people how you feel but don’t be a jerk about it. Know your body and trust your gut. Speak up for yourself. People will support you even if you don’t feel you deserve it. Love more and judge less.

I’m not done.

Laughter really can help heal. I can endure more than I ever thought possible because ‘you can knock, knock me over but I will get back up again.’ I am open to so much that this world has to offer. It’s ok to have a day or two of pity parties as long as you don’t get stuck there. We all need to practice more self care and self love. It’s ok to accept help and even ask for it. I absolutely can love a second child as much as the first. Yoga, it’s not just for a hot bod. Makeup can be fun and can also make you look less like an alien. My Posse is rad. You don’t know how strong you are until you have no other choice. I am proud of myself. People are ultimately good and mean well. (Except for a complete bitchwad here and there). I’ve realized what it really means when people say ‘it takes a village’ and my village is fierce.

Still going.

I’ve learned the true meaning of Team Filloon. What started as a family joke, quickly became a legit mantra. There are a buttload of ‘mountain lions’ out there. Always remember ‘that’s not me, that’s not my story.’ Internet friends can turn out to be true friends. And when in doubt, smile.

Like I said, this is just SOME of what I’ve learned. I’d be writing for days if I wanted to record it all. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I celebrated today with a trip to the day spa, John had given me a gift certificate when I completed chemo but I never had a chance to use it. Today felt right. It was completely relaxing and much needed. I got to talking with the concierge about why I was there and what I was celebrating. Super sweet gal, I felt like we could be buds. Well, she surprised me with a sweet treat and sparkling apple cider. A small gesture to say congratulations and that my story really hit home for her. She began to cry a little and I gave her a huge hug. She didn’t have to do any of that for me but I hope she understood how special she made me feel. It’s the little things sometimes.

Just for funzies- A quick timeline snapshot: I had gone up to northern California to help my brother pull off an epic wedding proposal the week before my biopsy. I knew that something was not right at this time but didn’t tell anyone. When I got diagnosed shortly after, I honestly questioned if I would be around for his wedding. That scared the crap out of me. Because when you hear the C word, you really don’t know what’s ahead. But here I am, still blogging to whoever will listen. Fun stuff, right?!

Now, I must excuse myself to pack. I’m going to celebrate the crap out of my little brother’s wedding weekend.
Oh and mama’s still got this.