Author: jessicafilloon

Boys 

.Reading time 3 minutes.

I think everyone believes that their kids are special. And I’m not talking like especially well behaved because nope. 😐But from someone who, from the earliest age I can remember, always confidently said – “I am never having kids”, I feel so lucky to have gotten these two. We found out we were pregnant with Harlon a few months after my dad suddenly passed away. Part of me always felt like my dad sent us that blessing. His birth was something to look forward to and helped with the grieving process. A life had been taken away from us but we were gaining a new one. 

Wyatt was a… well… sweet surprise. We had thought we were a one and done family but the universe had other plans for us. It was a really tough pregnancy. Harder than it was with Harlon and that was fucking intense. Although he has already proven to be a welcomed blessing and distraction for all that’s going on. 

I hope to have Petey come home soon from John’s parents where he has been having a blast. He probably won’t even want to come home, he’s happiest at Grammy and Grampy’s. But once he’s home, the band really will be back together.

These kiddos keep me busy- so busy. And so happy. And so in love. I know it will be tough on those days when I am not feeling my best and I need to take care of them but I also know I have help if I need it from #teamfilloon. It’s funny, I never understood people when they said that their family was complete after (insert number here) of kids. But I get it! The Filloons are complete. 

My heart is so full these days.  I’m sure  our current situation makes me even more thankful for all that I have. It definitely puts things into perspective. 

I don’t have the option to give up because I want to be around for them for a really long time. When they are older, I want them to know that they were the reason I fought with every last bit of all that I have and I want them to be proud of their mama.   💙💙

Bald is…

.Reading time 2 minutes.

Last night I channeled my inner Britney, minus the umbrella. Pop culture reference for you youngins- google it. In other words, I shaved my head. 

I have control issues. It’s pretty well known. But I’ll be damned if I am going to let this situation take all of my control away. We picked a day and we did it. On my terms. John and Little Harlon joined in the fun too. Of course John looks handsome and Harlon was such a trooper. He sat still the whole time and looks just as adorable as his daddy. 

I can’t say that I wasn’t nervous. Or that it doesn’t make me sad. After all, I am only human. I’ve had my hair for 32 years. Yes, it has been very unattractively short at times 😕 but it’s never been gone.   I am sure I’ll feel the same when I have my mastectomy. Missing a little of myself. But at the same time I know that hair and/or breasts don’t make the person. My attitude is what makes me and I am the only one in control of that. 

I imagined I’d feel free and lighter. Instead, I feel like I have a super tight bun in my non existent hair. I do feel taller though. Weird. Showering was trip.  I used way too much shampoo. I even used conditioner- habit. 

I’ll be donating my hair again to Pantene Beautiful Lengths- a program that gives FREE real hair wigs to women fighting the big C. As of right now, I don’t plan on getting a wig myself.  But who knows, that could change and I am ok with that. 

A quick follow up to my first day of chemo. The nurse said Saturday’s would most likely be my day. Right now I am feeling ok. A little headache but otherwise fine. I’ll be taking it easy today and resting up for our big pumpkin patch outing tomorrow. 🎃 I mean, it is October already! 

Chemo Day # 1

.Reading time 2 minutes.

I apologize for not answering calls and texts last night and this morning. I have been a bit… on edge. Plus, I am a mom of a child already entering the terrible twos which has not been aiding the situation. Lord, help me. 

The unknown has had me stressed for sure. Not just stressed , I won’t lie, I’ve been a pissy bitch. Sorry to anyone who has dealt with that. (Cough, cough- John😬)  But now I’m here, sitting in the chair, port poked and in use. I’m watching the Today show and John is doing some work. It’s like we are at home just kicking it. NOT. Kidding, the nurses here are great and making me feel really comfortable. I could get used to this, like for the next 6 months or something. Ha! Kidding again, maybe chemo makes me funny. 😜

I am by far the youngest person the room.  It’s a little silly, some of he looks I get are super sad. I am ok though, hoping that my age allows me to fight harder. I did just have the sweetest lady come by and introduce herself. She is also triple negative and on the same regiment as me just flip flopped. She started with AC and is ending with Taxol. She had some nice tips and tricks. 

I plan to post later today or tomorrow with an update on how I’m feeling. So stay tuned. Also, some big doins’ happening this weekend. Change, it’s in the hair. 😉

***Fun fact that I apparently didn’t share before when I was super drugged up following delivery. Part of the reason Wyatt was an emergency C Section was because he was breached, butt first. So when he pooped in me, he really pooped out of me…. think about that. Gross.