Today was my second chemo treatment. Feeling good as of now. Again, I was super amped from the steroids but they helped me get a lot done around the house! To pass the time, I colored in my adult coloring book. Accidentally blamed John for a fart by the old man across from me- I’m still giggling about it. And we watched so many episodes of Flip or Flop. Today was only Taxol, no Carboplatin. I won’t get that additional sucker until my next “cycle” which is technically my 4th treatment. Make sense? Carbo will be added every 4th time. Apparently that’s the one that usually causes nausea so here’s hoping for only a tired and achy reaction. 

On to other things, the other night while walking home from the park, I had a mini impromptu meltdown when we passed the kids and parents getting ready for football practice. I was watching the other moms pull up in their cars, SUVs, and mini vans and I freaked out. I watched them pull their chairs out of their trunks and rush over to the fields to settle in. That’s when I realized that I want that so bad. I have talked so much shit on mini vans but I would cruise up in one in a heartbeat if it meant I could be around to watch my boys participate in something.  It was one of those cry/ laughs. Have you seen that commercial? It’s a guy talking about laughing and then sobbing and how it’s a medical condition. Looks like a joke and then you realize it’s a real commercial for some drug? Well I felt like that guy. Crying and then laughing and then crying…. so on and so on. 

It was during that moment, I decided that I want to be team mom. And room mom. And plan those cabin vacations in the winters and beach vacations in the summers. Anything to make sure that I have all of the quality time possible with my family. John was sure to add on that we will need to do lots of beach camping at San Elijo state beach. I am so down. 

For the most part, I am confident and fearless. But like any human, I have my weaker moments. I can usually smile through the fear and tears but sometimes the fear sneaks through. This is fucking scary shit. And I realize how real it is. And how fucked up the whole situation is. Not just for me but for my husband, kids, family, and friends. 

Thank goodness John was able to bring me back and calm me down pretty quickly.  I would have looked like a crazy lady laugh/ crying the whole walk home. He’s so positive, I’m lucky I get to spend my days with such a supportive and loving person. Even through my crazy.  ❤️