Today was my second chemo treatment. Feeling good as of now. Again, I was super amped from the steroids but they helped me get a lot done around the house! To pass the time, I colored in my adult coloring book. Accidentally blamed John for a fart by the old man across from me- I’m still giggling about it. And we watched so many episodes of Flip or Flop. Today was only Taxol, no Carboplatin. I won’t get that additional sucker until my next “cycle” which is technically my 4th treatment. Make sense? Carbo will be added every 4th time. Apparently that’s the one that usually causes nausea so here’s hoping for only a tired and achy reaction.
On to other things, the other night while walking home from the park, I had a mini impromptu meltdown when we passed the kids and parents getting ready for football practice. I was watching the other moms pull up in their cars, SUVs, and mini vans and I freaked out. I watched them pull their chairs out of their trunks and rush over to the fields to settle in. That’s when I realized that I want that so bad. I have talked so much shit on mini vans but I would cruise up in one in a heartbeat if it meant I could be around to watch my boys participate in something. It was one of those cry/ laughs. Have you seen that commercial? It’s a guy talking about laughing and then sobbing and how it’s a medical condition. Looks like a joke and then you realize it’s a real commercial for some drug? Well I felt like that guy. Crying and then laughing and then crying…. so on and so on.
It was during that moment, I decided that I want to be team mom. And room mom. And plan those cabin vacations in the winters and beach vacations in the summers. Anything to make sure that I have all of the quality time possible with my family. John was sure to add on that we will need to do lots of beach camping at San Elijo state beach. I am so down.
For the most part, I am confident and fearless. But like any human, I have my weaker moments. I can usually smile through the fear and tears but sometimes the fear sneaks through. This is fucking scary shit. And I realize how real it is. And how fucked up the whole situation is. Not just for me but for my husband, kids, family, and friends.
Thank goodness John was able to bring me back and calm me down pretty quickly. I would have looked like a crazy lady laugh/ crying the whole walk home. He’s so positive, I’m lucky I get to spend my days with such a supportive and loving person. Even through my crazy. ❤️
Mama's Got This 
I love your blog so much. Funny thing is I think we all read it in your voice. Praying for you guys everyday, you’ve got this Jess.😎
LikeLiked by 1 person
Speechless, with many tears. Keep doing what you are doing for all of your boys. ❤️ You deserve that minivan❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi you brave beautiful beast of a woman warrior you!!!!!
Jess, your description of that moment you caught yourself both crying and laughing at the same time. The mind plays havoc on us sometimes doesn’t it? Its wicked…. Like what am I REALLY feeling????
It sounds like you are right on course! Hallelujah, Amen! With John by your side, family and fans you are sure to come out of this a shinning STAR!!!🎇
REMEMBER there is no Fear!!!! When you are in line with your higher power, there is NO Fear! Just watch yourself as you break through all your barriers….and see for yourself you made it through! Remove all thoughts of any fear. WHEN YOU ARE LIVING FROM A PLACE OF LOVE, there is NO FEAR! LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED!!!! And… Girl….you’ve got a whole Lotta love surrounding YOU, YOU, YOU!!!!!
I wanted to be a mommy so BAD. Even after MANY years of wanting to see stockings hanging on my fireplace like all the other mother’s; I NEVER GAVE UP BELIEVING AND VISUALIZING I was going to be a Mommy. I truly believe, my strength came from my positive thoughts and my belief that I deserved. I told you before, I see you going through the tunnel and coming out on the other side smiling SO BIG AND OH… FEELING…. SOOO PROUD! YOUR life is just beginning my dear. See it as you want, believe it to be true, and just say Thank You!!! And let it go…. Its kinda like when you order a pizza. You order, you sit and wait, you do what you need to do, then suddenly…. Your pizza arrives! Did you get all that??? Lol. Keep smiling beautiful , the best is yet to come! You’ll see….you’ll see 🙂 Song: Davey Jones, the monkeys.
Thinking of you everyday!!! I love you too much! Your MAMA IS SO DAMN PROUD OF YOU JESSICA!!!!! Speaking of crying and smiling~~ That’s exactly what your mama is feeling!!!! There is so much LOVE between you too!!!! She wants me to give you a big hug and a kiss for her. Her arms are stretched around you holding you so tight; loving you so much from above. She told me to tell you how much she loves YOU! And one more thing.. She is all around you every minute of every day. And…if you sense someone looking over your shoulder, you’ll know who it is!! 😃. DON’T WORRY …..! EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALL BRIGHT!!!😎 😚😚😚🙋 Aunt Roz
LikeLiked by 1 person
Your strength,, passion, and courage will carry you through this battle. The love and support from family and friends near and far will carry you through to victory!
LikeLiked by 1 person