Unicorn

October 23, 2017.Reading time 6 minutes.

This past Wednesday, I started back up on Xeloda. I am feeling pretty good so far but I did notice that the bottoms of my feet are turning red again. No pain yet, just red. And my hands are super dry. No amount of lotion or oil can hydrate them which is so frustrating. I’ve always been obsessed with having lotion on my hands so this is driving me nuts. Overall, I’ve noticed that my skin is extremely dry on the Xeloda weeks.

As far as mood swings, I feel like the extremes have started to level out. I can’t remember crying since my last post… so there’s that. I’m still crazy irritable though. I find myself having to take lots of deep breaths and little time outs to get through things that are not even a big deal. But in those moments, they’re fricken massive issues for some reason. I’m hoping to continue this leveling out business so that I don’t end up chasing all my loved ones away. 😬

Also, this past Wednesday, I attended a yoga teacher training open house at my studio. You guys, I walked into this meeting excited and left completely pumped up! I literally got chills while listening to a past student talk about his experience with the training. And listening to the instructors, it all felt so right.

I’ve thought about pursuing my yoga teacher certification for several years now. But I always found some reason to put it off. I’d decided that this was the year I would somehow figure it out. The universe must have been paying attention because I have been blessed with an incredible opportunity to earn my yoga teacher training certification with my studio, Yoga Sol in Yorba Linda.

Thrilled doesn’t even come close to explaining how I feel about it all! I’m eager to see the positive changes to come, along with more physical and emotional healing. The curriculum sounds challenging yet fun and so very interesting. And I can already tell that the class community will be encouraging and supportive- we all seem to bring something different to the group which is super fun.

Years ago, I wanted to get my yoga teacher training solely so that I could offer prenatal classes to women that were NOT held in the middle of the day. 🙄 … My goals and reasonings have shifted a bit since pregnancy but I still have a strong desire to learn more, deepen my practice and to be able to share it with others. The teachers at Yoga Sol have helped me heal so tremendously throughout this last year and have really inspired me to take this next step.

Since going back to work, I’ve started to notice some seriously extreme pain on the right side of my neck, shoulder and upper back. At first my brain went to a bad place but then I realized, it’s a familiar pain that I’ve experienced on and off for several years now. I think it all dates back to a 2005 car accident where I ended up in the hospital- it was a Valentine’s Day to (black out from a head injury but wake up shortly after) remember. 😐And I’m pretty sure it’s flaring up again since I’m back, sitting at a desk for work. Thank goodness I have the most amazing chiropractor to help me out. Yup, the same gal who got me through two vomit filled and pain filled pregnancies and just a little life altering diagnosis. Rad. Lady. Posse. 💪🏻 Right after my adjustment, I felt relief. She sent me home with some great exercises so I can help myself along the way.

I want to end this post with a MASSIVE thank you to my friend Joe at On Season Meals in Fullerton. When I was diagnosed, he offered to set us up with weekly prepped meals. These meals not only fed me, John, and the kids but they also fed caregivers who came to help us out. They saved us on nights where we were so exhausted from appointments, medications, surgeries, overall parenting… that making dinner would not have happened. These meals kept us eating healthy when it could have been so easy to go through a drive thru somewhere and eat crap.

So, Joe (hah that rhymes 😜) thank you to you and your staff for everything!! I don’t know how we can ever express how grateful we are for your generosity and support!

Team Filloon- what began as a family joke, has proven to be the strongest team ever. You guys keep us going whether you know it or not. My worry is that it will never truly be understood how thankful we are for each and every one of you. 💜

My Feet, My Feet, My Feet Are on Fire!

October 16, 2017.Reading time 8 minutes.

Gosh, it’s been so long since I’ve posted, I had to look back and see where I left off. And looking back, I had completely forgotten about Puke Fest 2017. It was all a blur…

Puke Fest is officially over and I never had to actively participate. Meaning no puke from this gal. But straight off of Puke Fest, I entered Mood Swing Mania. Maybe that’s why I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks. You would not have wanted to hear what I had to say anyway. Looking back at my ‘notes’ from the last couple of weeks, I was in a dark, dark place. I felt completely alone even with the most amazing support system someone could ever ask for. I felt like the only people who would get it, were/are the people who have been through it and they’re all spread out around the world. And what I really needed was one of them to physically grab me by the shoulders, shake me and then hug the crap out of me.

I have absolutely cried more times in the last few weeks than I did with both pregnancies AND my diagnosis put together. But I am feeling much better these last few days, though John may have a different opinion. I’d been having a hard time processing feelings and kept having the urge to call my parents to talk about it. Then, like a smack in the head, I’d remember I can’t. Even after all these years, sometimes I forget. I know they are always ‘there’ but I needed to hear their actual voices, I needed their words of guidance and comfort. I remember telling John that I felt like a tumbleweed of emotions rolling from room to room, picking up more crap along the way. It was the truth.

It also doesn’t help that it’s October and everywhere I look, it’s pink. I appreciate it when the proceeds actually go to research for a cure. But companies that sell pink ‘for awareness’ and are really only in it for the profit, they sicken me. I am aware of breast cancer. You all are aware. Now we need to find a cure.

Also adding to my medical menopausal mood swings and stress has been a change in employment, I’ve recently rejoined the working world with a new company. Starting something new always makes me nervous and this is no different. Add to it, leaving my kids for such long periods has been an adjustment.

Making the decision to leave Seneca for a new position was difficult and emotionally taxing. The staff had become my Orange County family. I found amazing friendships, endless support and tons of love. I grew professionally and personally through my time there and am forever grateful for the opportunities given to me.

Ultimately, I made the decision to find part time employment so that I can spend more time with my babies. My new company is great. I really enjoy the work I am doing and the people I get to spend my time with. Everyone has been super welcoming and I am thankful for this new adventure.

I know I talk about my acupuncturist often but I can’t help it, she’s great!! I even told her this week she’s been a part of my rad lady posse and I think she digs it. I am so thankful for her, she continues to help me through these crazy times with her patience, skill, knowledge, etc. Bless her heart, if I had to repeat myself as much as she does to me, I’d say ‘peace out, crazy kid’. But she doesn’t. She has found her purpose and she’s damn good. Every session with her, I leave feeling like I can handle anything.

My last report stated that my feet and hands weren’t terribly painful from the new chemo. Well that shit changed quick- about day 9 of my second cycle on Xeloda I could barely walk. My feet felt on fire, swollen and tender. As if I had walked across burning coals. My fingers were also in pain. At each crease, it felt like the skin may rip open. Last Wednesday was my last dose of that cycle and within one day off X, my feet and hands already felt some relief. They’re not 100% better but tolerable. I start back up this Wednesday for another two weeks.

Style. The only way to walk around the house without crazy pain. 🦄

On Friday, I got to see all my Kaiser friends. It’s absolutely insane how comfortable I feel there, my home away from home. I guess it’s better to feel comfortable than freaked out and damaged every time I enter those doors, yeah? My hysterectomy follow up was great. I got cleared to take baths and even go back to yoga. Thank goodness because those are two of my main coping skills for life.

The Filloon Fam recently got to take some beautifully fantastic family photos thanks to The Magic Hour Foundation. They are a foundation that partners with local photographers who provide photo sessions at no cost for families fighting cancer. Our photos turned out perfect, it makes my heart happy each time I look at them. Not only were we able to download the pics but they sent us a beautiful photo box with 5×7 prints of all of them! It’s great how something as simple as family pictures can make such a huge impact.

I guess that’s all for now, I’ll be sure to update with the next cycle of Xeloda. Here’s a few highlights from the last couple of weeks. ✌🏻

Puke Fest 2017

October 1, 2017.Reading time 5 minutes.

The past week has been my most challenging week as a mom, I think. Thankfully, my mood swings had started to lessen right before the madness. Maybe it’s because my thyroid test came back all crappy and my meds were increased therefore, helping me to ‘level’ out. Or it could be because I was so dang busy cleaning up puke that I didn’t have time to feel anything.

Both kids ended up with the stomach bug, of course at the same time. This was my first experience of taking care of pukey kids and it was intense. It all started with Wyatt projectile vomiting while Harlon was sitting in the dentist chair last Friday. And when I say projectile, I mean it didn’t even get on me or him (Wyatt was sitting in my lap and gave no warning) It shot straight out and onto the floor. I was shocked and embarrassed and super flustered. Thankfully the tech was all good and so sweet. She even told me that her daughter did the same thing once while at Olive Garden all over the table. One mama looking out for another. 💜

Taken LITERALLY moments before Puke Fest 2017 kicked off.

He seemed totally fine after the ‘incident’ so I thought nothing of it. Until Monday morning- it was Harlon’s turn. Holy crap man. I could have hopped on a raft and floated my butt right out if this house on a river of bodily fluids between both kids. It was a constant cycle of vomit, crap, tears, cleaning, laundry, repeat. Most of the tears were from the kids. But for real, I cried hard when Harlon whacked me in the eye with his (thank goodness empty) puke bowl. Yeah, still hurts. Looking back now, I still agree, it was a shitty week. But we survived and I’m pretty proud of myself for never vomiting when they did. That’s a huge step for someone with a gnarly gag reflex like me. I impressed myself. 😉 Both have recovered and so far, I seem to be in the clear and feeling fine. ***knock on wood***

Speaking of puke- not really because I don’t think I actually puked after my first chemo- I can’t remember- but needed some sort of transition here… Thanks to Timehop, I was reminded that one year ago yesterday, I had my first chemo treatment. I remember waddling my post c section booty into the infusion center not knowing what was coming next. It’s funny now, I’m still on chemo but it’s such a different process. No weekly visits and being poked. And so far, my side effects are minimal. I started my second cycle of Xeloda this last Wednesday and things are still ok. A bit of skin has started to peel on my left pinky toe and the pads of my feet are red but the pain I was feeling before has gone away for now. These are all side effects that I have been prepared for so I’ve been loading my hands and feet up with creams and Bag Balm nightly to help with it all.

Timehop also reminded me that a year ago today, I decided to control what I could in this mess and we shaved our heads in the backyard. I wouldn’t change a thing about it. John and Harlon went first to support me and then it was my turn. It wasn’t as emotionally difficult or bizarre as I imagined it would be. And I was grateful that I was able to donate my long locks to Pantene Beautiful Lengths so that someone else would be able to receive a free wig while battling C.

I’m also way grateful that I’ve documented this all along the way. It helps me to remember all that I have accomplished, all the feelings I have felt, all of the support I’ve had and continue to have, and so much more. 💜