Rads, They Are Coming

April 13, 2017.Reading time 2 minutes.

Today was my follow up Radiation Oncology appointment. And I’m sure this will sound odd, but I left pumped. I’m excited. I’m so ready.

We went over what I can expect as far as side effects: a skin burn, fatigue, a dry cough, other cancers….. umm what? Yeah, the radiation may cause other cancers down the line. Obviously, the benefits outweigh the possible risks but it’s still creepy as shit. So I’d rather not think about it or talk about it. Ok? Ok. Thanks.

Alright, so the plan is: on May 15th, I will have the first of two prep appointments. Not sure when the second one will be yet. At these, I’ll get scanned or X-Rayed- honestly I can’t remember. Itty bitty tattoos will be marked on me so they know where to line me up in the machine each day. I was also told I’ll have to be able to put my arms above my head while on my back, so I have some serious work to do there.

After these appointments are complete and they have all the info they need, I will begin my 5 days a week for 5 weeks rads. I’m told that the radiation itself is quick, like 10 minutes, but overall I’ll be there about an hour each day.

So yes, I am happy that I am almost done with treatment. And it sounds like this will be the easiest part- compared to chemo and surgery. But I want everyone to remember this: while I’ll be glad that treatments will be over, I can’t simply put this all behind me. I am not the same person I was before August 23, 2016. I’ve changed for better…and for worse. I’m not sure if I’ll ever reach a day where I don’t think about C or where I won’t worry about reoccurrence. I mean, the scars will be a daily reminder them selves. This new me will just have to go forward with all I have learned.

So be gentle.

A Quick Update

April 6, 2017.Reading time 4 minutes.

I feel naked. Not totally nude but like when you forget your phone at home, naked. Like I forgot my bra. But more like I forgot my bra…. with my boobs in it. Turns out though, I’m more self conscious about my Buddha belly than not having boobs. And not having boobs totally accentuates my belly. It’s cool though, once I can, I’ll be working on that.

John has got to be the best husband. He’s been super supportive through everything and when I asked if he was embarrassed of me, he said something along the lines of “if someone had a problem with it, fuck ’em”. He says that I need to own it and I’m trying. Man, I love him. I have not used any of the ‘kitties’ in my shirts yet, I’ve been flying flat for my outings and haven’t felt any self consciousness or noticed any obvious stares. And John’s right. Fuck ’em.

I have phantom boob. A never ending sensation where they once were. Sensation is being kind. It’s a burning and tingling that never fucking stops. Even with pain meds, so I don’t take them any more. The pain in my right arm is even worse. It’s a constant raw/burning feeling that goes down the back of my arm and into my arm pit. The pain makes me irritable and pissy and increases (the pain and pissiness) anytime either area is touched. So, that’s how I’ve been doing.

I was able to feed Wyatt for the first time on Tuesday. I protected my chest with a pillow and had Val set him on me since I still can’t lift him. It was glorious. Harlon has been a trooper through it all too. For the most part, he understands that mama can’t wrestle and that I have owies. When he first saw my chest, his face was literally this 😧 so I guess it stuck in his brain that he needs to be gentle.

Today, I had a follow up with my surgeon. All looks to be healing well. The burning and tingling in my chest and arm should go away when the nerves die. Yikes. What I thought was swelling on my sides, is actually left over boob fat. Side boob. I should have rocked that more while I had it. My chest is now concaved, so along with toning my belly, I’ll be bulking my chest. 😜 Really, I can’t wait to get back to yoga. Im ready for a good stretch. Oooohhhh and a massage.

I have a radiation oncology appointment next week so we will have a better idea when rads will start. Then I will meet with my oncologist later this month for a follow up.

These babes saw the Easter bunny today and it was a total success 💖🐰🐣

Pathology Report

March 30, 2017.Reading time 3 minutes.

I saw my surgeon this morning for a follow up. She removed my drains and for this, I am so happy! But I hadn’t put a lot of thought into this process until the drive to the appointment. The nurse described it as a ‘weird sensation.’ Well, okay…. The doc said it wouldn’t hurt, that it would feel like a worm moving under my skin. Gross. I would say they both were right and so wrong. John wanted to film it. I almost wish he had because it was one of the most freakish things to happen to my body. Ever. And I’ve had 2 kids.

First she snipped the stitches, this pinched a little. Then the main event. With a quick pull, I could feel a tube, much longer than I imagined was shoved inside of my chest, sliding in a circular motion out of my body. Then I felt weak. Most likely from being completely grossed out. I wanted to cry and puke. Then it was on to the right side. Same shit. Barf. I can’t find the words to describe exactly how it felt or looked. Maybe that’s why the nurse just said it was weird.

She said my swelling looked normal and that I was healing well. I asked for reassurance- this looked “normal and well??” Yikes. I also asked if it would look better later or if this was my new normal. This is my new normal.

Onto the pathology report. There were residual tumor cells in the right breast. This means I did not have a complete response to chemo but it’s still good. And they cut those remaining cells out. So, yay!

Radiation is next. Depending on how I heal, this will begin about 4-5 weeks after surgery and the goal is to take care of any of those residual cells. I’ll be going daily, Monday- Friday, for 5 weeks.

My right arm is still in the T Rex stage but I was given some exercises to begin ASAP to get me stretched. Those suckers hurt but I will lift my arm above my head again one day, damn it.