I feel naked. Not totally nude but like when you forget your phone at home, naked. Like I forgot my bra. But more like I forgot my bra…. with my boobs in it. Turns out though, I’m more self conscious about my Buddha belly than not having boobs. And not having boobs totally accentuates my belly. It’s cool though, once I can, I’ll be working on that.
John has got to be the best husband. He’s been super supportive through everything and when I asked if he was embarrassed of me, he said something along the lines of “if someone had a problem with it, fuck ’em”. He says that I need to own it and I’m trying. Man, I love him. I have not used any of the ‘kitties’ in my shirts yet, I’ve been flying flat for my outings and haven’t felt any self consciousness or noticed any obvious stares. And John’s right. Fuck ’em.
I have phantom boob. A never ending sensation where they once were. Sensation is being kind. It’s a burning and tingling that never fucking stops. Even with pain meds, so I don’t take them any more. The pain in my right arm is even worse. It’s a constant raw/burning feeling that goes down the back of my arm and into my arm pit. The pain makes me irritable and pissy and increases (the pain and pissiness) anytime either area is touched. So, that’s how I’ve been doing.
I was able to feed Wyatt for the first time on Tuesday. I protected my chest with a pillow and had Val set him on me since I still can’t lift him. It was glorious. Harlon has been a trooper through it all too. For the most part, he understands that mama can’t wrestle and that I have owies. When he first saw my chest, his face was literally this 😧 so I guess it stuck in his brain that he needs to be gentle.
Today, I had a follow up with my surgeon. All looks to be healing well. The burning and tingling in my chest and arm should go away when the nerves die. Yikes. What I thought was swelling on my sides, is actually left over boob fat. Side boob. I should have rocked that more while I had it. My chest is now concaved, so along with toning my belly, I’ll be bulking my chest. 😜 Really, I can’t wait to get back to yoga. Im ready for a good stretch. Oooohhhh and a massage.
I have a radiation oncology appointment next week so we will have a better idea when rads will start. Then I will meet with my oncologist later this month for a follow up.