Seems like it’s been forever since I’ve settled into this chair. It feels like my first treatment all over again. I’m anxious and nervous but ready to get it over with, because after today, I’ll be half way done with AC-the Beast! I asked for some extra hydration today to maybe help with the side effects. I’ll be back tomorrow evening for another hydration visit. 

I know I have bigger things to worry about than my looks but sometimes it’s an additional bummer. Losing the hair on my head has been tolerable. Most of the time I forget that I have no hair until I feel a breeze or a child looks at me funny. Even the patchy eyelashes, I have gotten used to. Losing my eyebrows, though, is proving to be more difficult for me. Starting AC really freaked them out. They had been super thin for a while but in the last few days, they have decided to just peace out. There were 41 hairs remaining yesterday morning. Yes, I counted. Today I have 34. No shape left to follow. I have to rely on my memory as to what they should sorta look like. I am literally painting them on now, hoping that I don’t end up on one of those funny emails with the cholas who draw them on with sharpies. You’ve seen those, right? Jokes aside, I’m pretty self conscious about it. I mean, it’s clear that they are painted/drawn on. But I don’t think there’s anyway around it. Apparently yesterday I was going for the slightly surprised look. 

Sometimes this is all so surreal. Even with my family history, I never actually thought it would happen to me. I never imagined that I’d lose all my hair, have a port placed in my body, or often fear my future. At the beginning, I had little fear. I’ve been riding on everyone’s positivity for so long. But lately, I feel the fear slipping in here and there and it needs to stop. 
Nighttime is the shittiest and I feel really vulnerable. My mind races from one terrible thought to the next. I often wonder if there will ever be a time when the Big C doesn’t rule my world and thoughts. Then I wonder what my new normal will be? Because I know damn well I won’t be going back to who I was, physically or mentally.   

I recently got several beautiful mantras, great tips, and meditation suggestions from some of my Kick Ass mamas. I did a mix of them last night and things went pretty well. 
My favorite trick that was shared with me- “Right when that negative thought comes into your mind. Press pause, visualize godizilla’s gigantic foot coming down and smashing that thought. The thought is dead and gone. Works every time!”😂 

How funny is that? But, damn, it works! I also started a Gratitude Journal last night at the recommendation of my acupuncturist. It is supposed to be the very last thing I do before my head hits the pillow so that my mind is focused on the good while I recharge for the next day. It felt silly. But I guess it’s not as silly as me writing about my life for all to read here… 😜

Fun fact- About 30 seconds after putting on my “Mom Life Is The Good Life” shirt, Wyatt did a huge burp and spit up all over my left shoulder but I was running late so I couldn’t change. Quick swipe of a rag… 😬
Oh and for everyone attending the Women’s March this weekend, this ones for you…❤️

I think I’ve finally emerged out the other end of this latest chemo cocktail fog. But seriously. What. The. Fuck. I never would have thought that I would literally not be able to lift my head off of my pillow or even open my eyes. That shit is no joke. I was projectile vomiting. Sweating. Freezing. On the verge of tears from how miserable I felt. But even more miserable not being able to be there for my kids and John. I felt as if someone ran me over with a dump truck and then reversed to make sure I was good and done. 

It’s funny, looking back at how bummed I was to push that one week of Taxol due to low counts. It was a blessing. Otherwise I would have felt this shitty over the holiday and that would have devastated me. I would have slept through Wyatt’s first Christmas and I wouldn’t have seen Harlon’s face light up with all of his gifts. I would have also missed Har’s scared shitless face when we told him Santa would be coming inside the house to deliver gifts. He’s still not a fan of the jolly old guy. 

John’s basically been our own Lighting McQueen. You know, a one man show. Oh, no? You haven’t seen the movie Cars 9,567 times? Oh weird, we have… Luckily Coach has been around the last few days and is always willing to entertain Lil Har and put up with his endless game requests. He also keeps my husband sane. Win win. 

Since I was feeling better today, I slapped on some brows and eyeliner. Swapped out one pair of leggings for another. And was happy to be a functioning part of society, if only for like 2 hours. I could have asked John to run my errands for me but it felt liberating to do something on my own. Even if it just was a run to the pharmacy and Trader Joe’s. 

Along with John’s never ending support and positivity, someone else gave me a much needed pep talk last night to help me out of this funk. She reminded me that I WILL bounce back. Maybe not today or tomorrow but I will rise above all of this. Her encouragement gave me chills. And not the chemo kind of chills. Like heartfelt, man, she’s the best, chills. Thank you Katie.☺ And she’s right. Because I’ve got this. 
My new favorite hobby: seeing what kinds of stuff people bought at the grocery store as they juggle it all to the car because no one wants to buy a plastic bag for 20 cents when they forget their reusable one. 

Update from yesterday’s chemo. After lunch, I began to feel super sleepy so I went home to take an nap. When I woke up I was still extremely tired and started to feel really queasy. My anti nausea meds weren’t helping much. My knees, ankles, and wrists felt like jello. So I took a bath and eventually tried to go back to sleep.

Luckily I had an Oncology follow up appointment today. She gave me the reassurance I desperately craved. She felt nothing in my breast and under arm. Yay for good news! Bonus- she was able to get me into a chair for hydration. Hydration is in the same place as chemo so I felt right at home. Nurse Diane hooked me right up to some saline and Decadron (steroids that also help with nausea). The Decadron didn’t help with my queasy stomach so much so she hooked me up with some Ativan (an anti anxiety med that also helps with nausea). That did the trick. Luckily Aaron and his fiancé Jessica are down and were able to take me to these appointments, bring me a much needed sandwich during the infusion, and drive me home. They were my hydration homies. 

So now I just need to stay ahead of the nausea with my meds. And I really need to rest. At the moment, I’m trying to get both kids and the dog to mellow out and take a nap with me in my bed. Wish me luck.