It’s been a rough week for me, mentally and physically. My last chemo rocked my stomach. Lots of nausea and just a little too much vomiting for my liking. 😷 I took the tiniest bite of an edible on Saturday morning after a puke fest in my bathroom sink. That shit knocked me out for like 3 hours! 😳 But it helped. Since, I’ve pretty much been on my nausea meds around the clock. Good news though, I’m beginning to feel a little better. 👍🏻 

Although I wish I could shit…. rainbows would be a bonus. All the meds have me, well you know, backed up. TMI, I’m aware. I can hear several of you now “Oh, Jessica. Gross!” but I told you all that I’d stay honest.

All this working towards feeling better just to be pumped full again today. Today’s treatment was actually on the fence for a bit. My platelets were down again at yesterday’s blood draw. I called the infusion center to see if they would still treat me today but didn’t I get a call back. So I treated it like a Pap smear- no news is good news. And showed up anyway to Taxol number 11. 💁🏻 Hi. Here I am. 

Mentally, I feel flat. No downs, but not many ups. I think much of that has to do with feeling ill. But also, I’m knee deep into this mess and I’m pretty tired of it. Really, I’m just tired. 

Each day that I get closer to the AC (next chemo drug), I get a little more anxious. Maybe it’s the unknown of how I’ll react. Maybe it’s because I’m getting closer to not having my chemo safety net. 

Don’t worry though. I’m still positive as fuck. (Necessary F bomb) Imagine me throwing some punches in the air, like a boxer getting ready for her next big fight. Or have you seen that guy who recently punched a kangaroo in the face to protect his dog? 

You’ve seen that video right? It’s all over the place. In my situation, cancer is the crazy buff kangaroo, chemo is the man, and I am the dog who gets away-hopefully unharmed. And I do it all while wearing some witty shirt to keep spirits up and ease the blows and/or headlock. 

Bare with me…. I’m writing this on some heavy IV Ativan 🙈 Anyway…

Thankfully I still have the greatest support system known to (wo)man to help me get through each round. And thankfully I have fantastic nurses who talk me down AND can put Ativan in my IV to calm me the hell down. 😄 Current Mood: feeeeeeeelllliiinnggggg gooooooooooooood

Recently, I read a Blog post of another girl I follow. She had shared a  Post from someone else who really hit the nail on the head about cancer. I wanted to pass it along. I like the humor in it all. 

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Cancer: the mountain lion in your fridge

What’s it like to go through cancer treatment? It’s something like this: one day, you’re minding your own business, you open the fridge to get some breakfast, and OH MY GOD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN YOUR FRIDGE.

Wait, what? How? Why is there a mountain lion in your fridge? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. RUN! THE MOUNTAIN LION WILL KILL YOU! UNLESS YOU FIND SOMETHING EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS TO KILL IT FIRST!

So you take off running, and the mountain lion is right behind you. You know the only thing that can kill a mountain lion is a bear, and the only bear is on top of the mountain, so you better find that bear. You start running up the mountain in hopes of finding the bear. Your friends desperately want to help, but they are powerless against mountain lions, as mountain lions are godless killing machines. But they really want to help, so they’re cheering you on and bringing you paper cups of water and orange slices as you run up the mountain and yelling at the mountain lion – “GET LOST, MOUNTAIN LION, NO ONE LIKES YOU” – and you really appreciate the support, but the mountain lion is still coming.

Also, for some reason, there’s someone in the crowd who’s yelling “that’s not really a mountain lion, it’s a puma” and another person yelling “I read that mountain lions are allergic to kale, have you tried rubbing kale on it?”

As you’re running up the mountain, you see other people fleeing their own mountain lions. Some of the mountain lions seem comparatively wimpy – they’re half grown and only have three legs or whatever, and you think to yourself – why couldn’t I have gotten one of those mountain lions? But then you look over at the people who are fleeing mountain lions the size of a monster truck with huge prehistoric saber fangs, and you feel like an asshole for even thinking that – and besides, who in their right mind would want to fight a mountain lion, even a three-legged one?

Finally, the person closest to you, whose job it is to take care of you – maybe a parent or sibling or best friend or, in my case, my husband – comes barging out of the woods and jumps on the mountain lion, whaling on it and screaming “GODDAMMIT MOUNTAIN LION, STOP TRYING TO EAT MY WIFE,” and the mountain lion punches your husband right in the face. Now your husband (or whatever) is rolling around on the ground clutching his nose, and he’s bought you some time, but you still need to get to the top of the mountain.

Eventually you reach the top, finally, and the bear is there. Waiting. For both of you. You rush right up to the bear, and the bear rushes the mountain lion, but the bear has to go through you to get to the mountain lion, and in doing so, the bear TOTALLY KICKS YOUR ASS, but not before it also punches your husband in the face. And your husband is now staggering around with a black eye and bloody nose, and saying “can I get some help, I’ve been punched in the face by two apex predators and I think my nose is broken,” and all you can say is “I’M KIND OF BUSY IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED I’M FIGHTING A MOUNTAIN LION.”

Then, IF YOU ARE LUCKY, the bear leaps on the mountain lion and they are locked in epic battle until finally the two of them roll off a cliff edge together, and the mountain lion is dead. 

Maybe. You’re not sure – it fell off the cliff, but mountain lions are crafty. It could come back at any moment.
And all your friends come running up to you and say “that was amazing! You’re so brave, we’re so proud of you! You didn’t die! That must be a huge relief!” 

Meanwhile, you blew out both your knees, you’re having an asthma attack, you twisted your ankle, and also you have been mauled by a bear. And everyone says “boy, you must be excited to walk down the mountain!” And all you can think as you stagger to your feet is “fuck this mountain, I never wanted to climb it in the first place.”

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Fun fact: the chemo hair loss has traveled to my mustache 👨🏻YAY! 

The Filloon Five has been down for the count the last few days. Yup, all of us, even Petey. But it’s nothing a weekend full of jammies, football, and Hallmark movies can’t fix. We are all feeling much better now. And thankfully we are better so I didn’t have to miss chemo this week. 

Today marks my 10th Taxol! Feeling pretty good considering I’ve been pumped full of drugs for the last 10 weeks. The bone pain is pretty consistent and my right knee has been a real jerk. Sometimes when I take a deep breath or do something that makes my heart pump harder, like walking up the stairs with a kid in my arms, it feels like my ribs are going to explode. And the base of my skull throbs. But it’s cool. 

Every week I have to get my blood drawn the day before chemo to make sure my counts are ok. I used to dread it and get woozy afterwards. But now I handle that shit like a boss. At the beginning of all this, I was really upset about the daily lovenox injections and weekly draws. I thought there was no way I could get 2 shots a day and be ok with it. Funny how things change. 

On my way to blood work this week, I was listening to some old CDs that we (re)found in my trunk. Yes I still have cds. And DVDs for that matter. John’s been trying to get rid of them for years now. It’s always a fight. I have also saved nearly every card I have ever been given. Ever. I love looking back at them. I guess John’s right… a bit of hoarding tendencies. 😳 but now I’m off topic. Back to the CD’s. 

Listening to the random songs, and I mean sooooo random, they bring back so many memories! It’s like when you smell something and it brings you right back to a specific time and place. It’s such a cool feeling. These CDs have some real gems on them. Terribly titled, if at all, but great songs. Example titles: “Bunch of Crap” and “Bunch of Crap: Revised” Really Jess? 🙄Many are from back in the Napster days, most are from college times. So much Ben Harper! 😄 Makes me miss my old high school, college, and Trophys peeps that I don’t get to see anymore. Thank goodness for social media. Yesterday, I ended my day with some Wilson Philips 🤗

Memories- Lately I have been having difficulty remembering things in general. I can’t claim Norco brain anymore because those pills are long gone from my C Section. But I hear that baby brain can last up to 6 months, so there’s that. To add to it, there’s also chemo brain. Lucky me, I get to double up. I have to write everything down. There are lists all over my house and on my phone. It’s pretty frustrating. But it will all comeback to me soon, I hope. So forgive me if I ask and re-ask the same questions or just plain forget things that we talked about. I’m working on it. 

Making new memories- We got our Christmas tree this week. John came home and randomly asked if we wanted to go pick one out. Ummmm yeah!!! Man, I love him. We usually get the Noble Fir but this year we opted for a Douglas. I’m so pleased with our choice! It’s gorgeous, reminds me of when I was a kid. 

Harlon loved helping this year. His approach of throwing ornaments straight into the tree actually worked for the most part. He sang Jingle Bells the whole night and when we turned the lights on, he yelled “Oooohhhhhh Christmas!” ☺️ I love seeing him getting so excited for the holidays. Wyatt also started smiling this week, life is good. 

My home away from home, AKA Kaiser (you thought I was going to say Target, huh?) also decorated for Christmas and that makes me happy. Speaking of Target, Harlon and I learned that Santa is watching when we are at Target so it’s best to keep your bottom in the cart, no yelling and no screaming. 😜 Santa is the man. 

In previous posts, I have mentioned that I go to yoga and acupuncture every Wednesday. It’s also the day I get to catch up on This Is Us ❤️ Those are my “me” days. The boys are at the babysitter’s so I can run around and get things done but it also allows me time to think. And sometimes worry. Luckily, my acupuncturist is also like a therapist and she helps me work though a lot of my anxieties. She reminds me to trust my gut and that if I connect with my soul, it will give me the road map I need for healing. 💖 She and I talk about so much more and she gives me so much fantastic advice but remember baby/chemo brain? Yeah, that. I can’t always remember it all. Good thing I’m there every week for reminders. She should write a book…so we all can benefit from her…. and then we could look back when we forget. 

Then when I go to yoga, I can set my intention for my practice and work on me.  Last night’s intention was to release fear. I am working on acknowledging the fear, allowing myself to feel it, and then letting go of it. Work in progress. 

***This just in***

I don’t know why I didn’t remember this😜 but turns out today is a Carboplatin day. Blah. Get ‘er done I guess. Another 30 minutes in the chair.