Scars + Celebrations

Oh, hey there. 👋 It’s been a bit… so I thought I’d pop in with a few updates.

It’s been a little over 3 weeks since my appendectomy and I’m healing quite well. It still hurts like a Mo’ Fo’ anytime I sneeze, cough, or laugh enthusiastically… as if my intestines might burst out from my incisions. And I’m still limited on exercise and lifting. But other than that, I’m feeling pretty fine.

My most recent side boob… AKA side scar pic {wink, wink}

Our weekly Yoga For Cancer Recovery class at Yoga Sol has been going really well. After each class, I find my self in tears of joy and some sadness but also so grateful to be able to co-teach class with my dear friend Jenny at such an amazing studio. My passion for yoga, healing and community shines even brighter than ever before. It’s so rad to be able to truly say ‘I love my job!’

My gal pal Jenny 💖

The Soul Seeds // Affirmation Deck Kickstarter is nearing the end- a little less than a week left- and it’s currently 95% funded!! So fucking cool! Not only is it exciting to see the hard work I’ve been putting in getting closer to fruition, the relationships and community that have been sprouting are incredible! Gratitude fills me completely 💖

The kiddos are adjusting well to their new schools and I am adjusting to the new drop off / pick up schedules along with sports, sports, sports {anyone else have that VTech kids toy?} And I’m thankful to have some rad mom friends on the side lines.

And finally, we celebrated our baby doll, Wyatt, last Saturday as he turned 3… THREE… T H R E E! Oh, my heart. MY HEART! He is a smart, funny, loving, stubborn, kick in the pants kind of kid.

“I wake each day with a grateful heart…”

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T H R E E YEARS!

Today marks 3 years since I got the call confirming what I already knew… And what we all now know.

What I didn’t know at that time was- What would happen to the baby growing inside of me? What would my husband and 1 year old do if something happened to me? How would I choose to handle the news? And I definitely did not comprehend how dramatically my life and outlook on life would change.  

That call obviously shook my world and the world of my family and friends.  And I often wonder if baby Wyatt could feel it too.  But after speaking with my team of doctors, my first concern was addressed.  The baby in my belly would be perfect… and he is. Sometimes a perfect pain in the keister but still perfect.

And thankfully I am still here to witness the great father John is to our little humans. And I get to see Harlon growing up to be an amazing child. AND it turns out, I handled the diagnosis and what followed pretty OK.  Of course, I had and continue to have my shit days.  And my complete shit days.  And my “I’m never leaving my bed because life isn’t fair” shit days. But I try to keep a positive outlook as often as possible (while giving myself permission to throw the occasional pity party). And I remind myself that I get to choose if I walk around miserable and mean or if I want to choose to look at the positives and radiate joy.

This way of thinking is not for everyone, I get that.  And I have never tried to push my views on life onto anyone else.  I mean, we all get to walk our own paths.  But I remember reading a quote by another survivor right after I was diagnosed which said “Breast cancer can change you, but the change can be beautiful”.  I have tried to wholeheartedly embody that idea by looking for the beauty even when it seems to be pure shit surrounding me.

I know I don’t post very often about my story anymore.  But it’s not because I am “all better” or “over it”, but it’s because I am busy living this life I’ve been blessed with, spending my time with the people I love and who spark pure joy in my heart.  This disease has taught me what is important and what is not, where I want to focus my energy and where I can let go.  I am busy with my family, teaching yoga, supporting others who’ve been diagnosed, working on projects… all with the goal to leave the world better and more joyous than I found it and to be the light for others when the darkness tries to consume them.

Truthfully, anxiety still haunts me, as it always has.  And I’m not sure if I’ll ever get past the feeling of ‘running out of time’.  But life continues to be put into perspective and it’s nice to know we are all in this together…

So cheers to many, MANY, M A N Y more years to come!

Oncology Follow Up

Last week, when I got the call to schedule my oncology follow up, I was totally thrown off when they told me I would be seeing the Nurse Practitioner instead of my oncologist. I panicked… I stuttered… I asked if he was sure about three times. And finally left the conversation saying “Well, I guess this is a good sign… I’ve graduated… yeah?…”

The thing is, I just really love seeing my oncologist. She’s smart, confident, and knows how to talk me down when I start to totally lose my shit. Thankfully the NP was great too. She took the time to look over my chart before walking in and looked right at Wyatt, recognizing that he was the dude in my belly when I was diagnosed.

The overall appointment went well. The NP didn’t flinch when I told her I would not be getting reconstruction when asked. She was super cool with my kids being crazy people in the tiny exam room. She listened to my anxious word vomit when we discussed my consistently low white blood cell count…

Yeah, so that’s been a thing for the last several months. There is no answer as to why the counts are low. So I am being monitored for the next 4 months, getting blood tests every 4 weeks. If there is still no answer after all of these tests and follow ups, my future may hold a bone marrow biopsy which apparently hurts like hell. My oncologist did poke her head in during my appointment to say hi to the kids and I and did not seem too concerned but agrees to the nurse’s plan of monthly blood tests and followup.

Funny thing is I feel totally fine- other than not sleeping, which has been ongoing for nearly a year now. So I’m super interested to see what we find out.

As always, stay tuned for updates.

Until then, look below to see my kids on my ol’ stomping ground. No, not SDSU, not Tracy High. Good Old Kaiser. Those two are kinda a big deal….