So I’ve joined these clubs over the years. Not clubs that I ever wanted to join but-shit happens. First it was the “my mom died” club. Then it was the “my dad died” club which automatically entered me into the “Yes, both of my parents have died” club. My fellow members of these clubs are pretty hard to spot with the plain eye. Usually a few drinks and some deep conversations bring those memberships up. But my newest club members, I see you. And you see me. At least- us baldies. And so much gets said with that small smile and occasional wave. It’s different than the smile with the fellow stressed out mom at Target. Remember her? (I guess that’s another club I am a part of.) This smile is so much more than “I feel for you”. It’s like- “Girl, this fucking sucks but we are here together so let’s kick the shit out of it.” Of course, I extend this smile to all of my fellow fighters- hat wearers, wig wearers, scarf wearers, etc. We’re in this together, I just may not recognize you right away. 
So lately, being present is something I have been working on. Usually, I’d be listening to Christmas music by now. Itching to decorate. But for the first time that I can remember, I don’t have the urge. Not that I am not excited for the holidays because, get real, it’s the most wonderful time. But because I am finally starting to live in the moment. I am enjoying each day that I have and not looking too far ahead. And that’s weird because I am such a planner. If this situation has taught me anything, it’s that you can’t plan it all out. Sometimes you just have to roll with it and take it as you go. Typically, I have spent so much time in the past or the future, rather than in the present moment. What I end up doing is passing through the present on the way to somewhere else and, in doing so, miss the moment.  
The only time I know for sure that I was in the present was at my wedding. I didn’t want to let a second of that be wasted. So I made sure I was present. I literally took a step back from the crowd and just was. I am so grateful for that because it was such a special day with the most special people in my life. I took a few deep breaths and thought of nothing else but what was happening right then. On the dance floor, I wasn’t thinking of anything else but cutting a rug. And most importantly at the ceremony, I tried to put my nerves aside and only be there with John, the whole reason we were having a ceremony. 

Now, I’m not perfect. And of course I have running lists of shit I need to do in my head. But overall, I feel like I’m making decent progress. I have “present” moments. And those are what keep me feeling good. Yoga helps. 

Chemo updates- Lately my scalp has been hurting, it’s a prickly feeling. The nurses said it’s because the fast growing cells are dying causing the hair to fall out. Laying my head on a pillow is pretty miserable. Hoping this passes soon because I could definitely use a good sleep. I currently have the hairdo of my Great Grandpa Pete. Sparse. 😜

My platelets were low this week which could lead to bleeding and bruising issues. If they go lower next week, I may have to delay treatment until they go back up. Crossing my fingers that doesn’t happen. I will be getting the shots for my white blood count indefinitely. 
Today is my fifth chemo treatment and still feeling fierce. I am PRESENTLY loving you all. Thank you guys for the continued support, prayers, and good vibes. 😘

***For those looking to come over and help, I am thinking I will be needing you in the new year when I start the new chemo cocktail- Adriamycin and Cytoxin. I hear the side effects are more intense. 

**** My shirt says Making Magic Happen because… YOU KNOW! 😉

A man complimented my hair on Saturday while I was at Kaiser. He told me he wished he had enough hair to have a nice hair cut like mine. Our elevator ride was filled with stories about him hiking across the US many, many years ago and getting shot at because he had long hair. Nice guy. Talker. 

Little did he know that just that morning, my hair started to fall out. I felt a tickle while drinking my coffee. Rubbed my head and there were several hairs in my palm. The doctors and nurses had told me I’d see it on my pillow once it started. So I went back to check and sure enough. Everyday I feel confident that I’m going to wake up completely bald but, hell, I have so much hair! It’s definitely patchy now so I don’t anticipate it to take much longer.  

John had taken me to his barber the other day to get “cleaned up” before it really started to fall out.  While I loved the atmosphere and the lightheartedness of the boys club, I walked out feeling like one of the boys. The short hair that everyone says I can rock, doesn’t make me feel real pretty. I look like my brother- no offense Aaron- you’re a handsome dude. 😉 So I’m working on a makeup routine to feel a little better about myself. Not having much luck yet but I practice everyday. I feel super weird wearing lip color and filling in my eyebrows, it’s not me. Or, at least, it hasn’t been me. Lots of things are changing. 

For reals though, I’m actually a little relieved that my hair is falling out. It’s a sign that the chemo is doing things, attacking the fast growing cells. Hopefully attacking the shit out of the cancer cells. Today, I am getting the Taxol and Carboplatin. Crossing my fingers it kicks some ass but spares me the vomit. 

I’ve been pretty cranky this last week. I mean, I feel fine from chemo. Just cranky in general. Maybe it’s because I have cut refined sugars -aka treats- from my diet. 😐 I am allowing myself to feel this way. I won’t let it dominate though. I don’t have time to have a pity party when there’s shit to take care of. Things like raising kids, being a good wife, and getting healthy. But I will acknowledge these feelings. And then let them go. 

In my quest to get healthy and heal myself, I went to yoga yesterday for the first time in a long time. It felt great to dedicate an hour to focus on my breathing and my health. The teacher was great, I talked to her after class and I really dig her. She’s a great addition to my Rad Lady Posse that I’m forming. She just doesn’t know it yet. 😜 I’m like Taylor Swift – #SquadGoals -Kidding!!! 

Along with my crankiness funk, I’ve also had writers block. So I leave you here. For now. 

Oh, I won a raffle in the chemo room today. Got a goodie bag of fun stuff. So, things are looking up. 👍🏻

***Update***

Nurse just came by, John will be giving me injections at home this Saturday, Sunday, and Monday because my white blood cell count was low. 

It’s been a really good week. My chemo side effects from last week have been very minimal. Just a little achy but nothing to bitch about. Thumbs up all around! 👍🏻 
Monday was my first day alone with both kids. And you want to know what we accomplished? A trip to mother f’ing Target! Yup! Target! AND a quick run into Sprouts! I’ll wait for the applause to die down. 😜The little one was in the Ergo carrier and the big guy in the cart. We managed to get everything off of our list…. and then some. Obviously. And we only cracked 5 of our eggs by the time we got home! 

But other than feeling fantastic for surviving Target, I felt even better forgetting that I have the big C for a little bit. I felt like a mom. Not a sick mom. Just a mom. A stressed and sweaty mom who lugs kids around and negotiates with a non negotiable toddler. A mom who can look at another mom with a lunatic kid trying to escape from the cart yelling about Dory (thanks goldfish crackers for putting Dory’s face on the front of the bag). A mom that gives the sideways smile of “girl, I feel you” to that mom. It’s the best feeling I have felt in a long time. To just be a mom. 

On Tuesday, I had my first acupuncture appointment. The dr is pretty rad. I feel like she gets me. And she has so much knowledge to share. I’ll be going once a week for 10 weeks and will see how things go. At my appointment, we talked about all sorts of stuff but one reoccurring topic was visualization. I have mentioned in the past how I visualize, at least I think I have mentioned it. Chemo brain? I hear that’s a thing. I think I heard that… Well, I have been visualizing the shit out of some good stuff since. I started with seeing myself taking the boys to baseball practice in my minivan- yup, minivan. I’ve given in to the ulta-mom ride, at least in my visions. Raising them in a small home so that we can always be near each other. Then I see myself at their high school graduations- clapping and so proud. My hair is long and luscious at that point. With salt and pepper grays. Then I see myself at their weddings crying happy tears during the mother/son dances. I then see myself holding my grandchildren, loving them so hard. Finally, I see John and I growing old together, taking trips, laughing together, taking walks around the neighborhood and just being with each other. 

Today is Chemo day. I think it’s weird how excited I get about chemo day. It’s like get ‘er done day. With my port pumping poison, I feel fantastic! 

As I sit here, I think of the several amazing women I’ve met so far in this journey. Many survivors and many women currently fighting. Breast cancer while pregnant may be a rare diagnosis- 1 in 3000, but I feel like everyday I either meet another person or hear of someone who has gone through it or is currently fighting. One strong woman I have met along the way is truly an inspiration to me. She is younger than me but also has a young son and is pregnant with her second. We have a lot in common, I often feel like her posts are something that I wrote myself. It’s like we were meant to cross paths. I feel that about everyone I have met so far. But she has a fantastic motto. “Live life with purpose”. Can it be anymore truer than that? If anything, that is what my diagnosis has taught me. 

If my story can help even one person along the way, whether it’s support or early diagnosis by self checking, then I know all of this is for a reason. I was given this obstacle because I can handle it. I wish I could say that through everything, I have found the answers or the cure. But I can’t. I can just say that my perspective has changed enough to appreciate the little things. So cliche. I know. But it’s for reals. 

I’ll leave you with this. I came across a post on Instagram. It’s a quote from a survivor that gives me chills each time I read it. “Breast cancer changes you, and the change can be beautiful”- Jane Cook.