Boys 

.Reading time 3 minutes.

I think everyone believes that their kids are special. And I’m not talking like especially well behaved because nope. 😐But from someone who, from the earliest age I can remember, always confidently said – “I am never having kids”, I feel so lucky to have gotten these two. We found out we were pregnant with Harlon a few months after my dad suddenly passed away. Part of me always felt like my dad sent us that blessing. His birth was something to look forward to and helped with the grieving process. A life had been taken away from us but we were gaining a new one. 

Wyatt was a… well… sweet surprise. We had thought we were a one and done family but the universe had other plans for us. It was a really tough pregnancy. Harder than it was with Harlon and that was fucking intense. Although he has already proven to be a welcomed blessing and distraction for all that’s going on. 

I hope to have Petey come home soon from John’s parents where he has been having a blast. He probably won’t even want to come home, he’s happiest at Grammy and Grampy’s. But once he’s home, the band really will be back together.

These kiddos keep me busy- so busy. And so happy. And so in love. I know it will be tough on those days when I am not feeling my best and I need to take care of them but I also know I have help if I need it from #teamfilloon. It’s funny, I never understood people when they said that their family was complete after (insert number here) of kids. But I get it! The Filloons are complete. 

My heart is so full these days.  I’m sure  our current situation makes me even more thankful for all that I have. It definitely puts things into perspective. 

I don’t have the option to give up because I want to be around for them for a really long time. When they are older, I want them to know that they were the reason I fought with every last bit of all that I have and I want them to be proud of their mama.   💙💙

The Dating Game

.Reading time 6 minutes.

I recently shared how we met and I promised I would share our engagement story and wedding story but before we get there, I think we should run through our dating life. As many of you know, a lot of times the most exciting, uncertain, passionate part of a relationship is dating.  This is the 50 Shades of Grey part of the blog so I will channel my inner E.L. James and give you all the details.

If you read the “The other half” post you know that Jess was the instigator of our introduction and her boldness continued throughout our brand new relationship. I will never forget when she dropped me off one time and told me, “you better f’ing call me!” I was still very much wrapped up in my own life of bars, football, and hanging with the boys. I had no idea what was in front of me or how lucky I was that she put up with my tom fooleries. What made Jess special to me is that she could hang with the boys. She was always ready to deal with bad jokes, lots of booze, and even more sports on TV. The boys continuously tested her and she didn’t even flinch. She was one of those girls that could hang with the guys, wore ironic t-shirts, and put her hair in a pony tail all the while looking the perfect mixture of beautiful and cute. I think there is a country music song about this type of girl and there definitely is a movie.

We immediately hit it off and our dating life was fun. It was mainly wrapped around fun outings, lots of dinners out, bbqs, weekend trips, and all the fun typical new dating life adventures.

When I first met Jessica, her mom was in remission. Sherry was diagnosed with breast cancer before we met. Jess was still in college and she invited me to one of her art shows. Jessica’s emphasis was metal smithing. At the first art show that I attended, the piece she was showing was a bra with a silicon breast and a silver nipple.   She was wearing a white men’s tank top undershirt (PC name), jeans, and chuck taylors when I showed up to her show. I know right, the girl from the country music song.

“Can you believe they told my mom she couldn’t have a nipple. Well… I made her one!” Thats what she told me when describing her piece. We dated for roughly 6 years before we got engaged. I know what your thinking, wow you guys moved fast. It wasn’t perfect but our dating had more ups than downs and a little bit of the on again off again that happens when you are young and figuring each other out.

At one point, Jess moved back to northern California to be with her mom when the cancer returned. This was a difficult time for a 24 year old girl who had to put her life on pause while she spent the last days with her mom. Bouncing from couch to couch for three months was not easy but it’s part of her make up, bold and strong. It speaks to her strength. And when she gave me the call, I immediately flew up. She picked me up at the airport and she melted in my arms. She had been so strong for so long, and the emotions welled up and poured out. I gave her a glass jar of sand from Coronado beach. That was where Jess, Sherry, and I had spent a great weekend together and where we would spread some ashes so Sherry would always have that happiness in her life.

When Jess moved back to San Diego, we ended up moving in together. Living together was easy. We became great roommates and the dating ended and we just became us. We lived together in a converted basement in North Park and then moved to a duplex in South Park. (No, Kenny was not our neighbor). This is where we lived when the great black out of 2011 happened September 8th, 2011. It was a crazy day and full of anticipation. As all the neighbors gathered around and had an impromptu block party, there was more on my mind than when the lights were going to come back on. I was anxiously rotating a ring in my pocket, wondering how I was going to pull of my proposal.

 

Bald is…

.Reading time 2 minutes.

Last night I channeled my inner Britney, minus the umbrella. Pop culture reference for you youngins- google it. In other words, I shaved my head. 

I have control issues. It’s pretty well known. But I’ll be damned if I am going to let this situation take all of my control away. We picked a day and we did it. On my terms. John and Little Harlon joined in the fun too. Of course John looks handsome and Harlon was such a trooper. He sat still the whole time and looks just as adorable as his daddy. 

I can’t say that I wasn’t nervous. Or that it doesn’t make me sad. After all, I am only human. I’ve had my hair for 32 years. Yes, it has been very unattractively short at times 😕 but it’s never been gone.   I am sure I’ll feel the same when I have my mastectomy. Missing a little of myself. But at the same time I know that hair and/or breasts don’t make the person. My attitude is what makes me and I am the only one in control of that. 

I imagined I’d feel free and lighter. Instead, I feel like I have a super tight bun in my non existent hair. I do feel taller though. Weird. Showering was trip.  I used way too much shampoo. I even used conditioner- habit. 

I’ll be donating my hair again to Pantene Beautiful Lengths- a program that gives FREE real hair wigs to women fighting the big C. As of right now, I don’t plan on getting a wig myself.  But who knows, that could change and I am ok with that. 

A quick follow up to my first day of chemo. The nurse said Saturday’s would most likely be my day. Right now I am feeling ok. A little headache but otherwise fine. I’ll be taking it easy today and resting up for our big pumpkin patch outing tomorrow. 🎃 I mean, it is October already!